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  1. #1
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    Question Girls and high school

    This is a part vent and part asking for help Sorry this is going to be long!

    DD12 has started high school this year. Majority of first time went fine, however this term she has been upset when she comes home just about every day.

    There is a large group of girls that hang around together at breaks. About 12-15 girls DD tells me. They are loud and full of extraverts, which is a bit much for DD. There seems to be one girl who is the 'leader'.

    DD's best friend from primary school hangs around in this group, while DD spends sometime with the group and some time down in a building with some other year 7 and 8s. Last term she had been coping fine doing it this way.

    This term she has been told that she can't be friends with her best friend anymore and her best friend hates her.....a bit odd given they catch the bus together occasionally and DD asked her about that. Her best friend texts her all weekend. She was told this by one girl repeatedly then about 6 or so other girls surrounded her and told her again.

    Most recently DD was talking to her friend about homework and was again told by the 'leader' you can't be friends with the best friend as you are bossy and you can't hang around her anymore.

    These are the two incidences that happened in the last couple of days. If they left DD alone she would be happy doing her own thing which has now turned into not sitting with this group at all ever. DD says they outright ignore her, never ever approach her to talk to her and talk over the top of her.

    DD is a quiet introvert and sensitive and these girls are really getting her down. She has asked repeatedly to be homeschooled this term...no way!

    DD has started attending Auslan lessons at lunch and goes to a computer coding class one afternoon a week to keep herself busy. She doesn't really want to do any other activity I have suggested.

    I have emailed her main teacher so she is at least aware what is going on, although DD is worried that this will make it worse.

    DD also suffers social anxiety which is not making this any better or easier. She has meet a couple of boys that she gets on well with and they talk a lot about scooters and video games. I think there is less drama around the boys and she feels calmer.

    I have been reading about relational aggression which seems to describe her experience exactly.

    So any advice?? Have I made it worse by emailing her teacher?

    Vent.....why can't girls be nice to each other? Why must they always pick on those that are quiet and maybe a little quirky.

  2. #2
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    Default Girls and high school

    Im sorry your dd is going through this. I know she is introverted but i would encourage her to participate in as many group activities inside and outside of school so that she can expand her social circle. Sadly some friends do get left behind and bonds get broken. It sounds like her best friend wants to be friends with her but is lying to the bigger group claiming your daughter is bossy and blaming the continued friendship on your DD as she doesnt have enough confidence to tell the larger group that she likes being friends with your daughter.

    This is just my guess of course.

    This is a good time for her to learn to have enough confidence to collect only good friends in her life. Good friends dont let other people treat their friends like cr$p!

    I would also advise your daughter to speak to her best friend directly and flat out ask her if she still wants to be friends.. something along the lines of "hey a couple of the girls have told me you dont want to be friends any more yet you keep talking to me. Do you want to be friends still? If not, thats fine.. just let me know so i know where we stand".

    This will allow the other girl to be responsible for her decision.
    Last edited by Simil; 09-05-2017 at 11:13.

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    good advice from Simil. I would not think you have made anything worse by emailing the teacher. I think it is very important for teachers to be aware of student tensions and such. Above all keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. If she is finding new friends, invite them home, let her feel that she has the freedom to choose her own friends. Would it be possible for your daughter to have a quite word with the best friend just to see where the friendship is really going.? marie.

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    Last week when DD and friend were walking to the bus together (about 20 minutes) she asked her friend if those things had been said. Friend denied that it had been said and that they were still friends. So I really don't know what is going on, sounds like politics to me.

    DD has found some new friends but they are all boys so I will have to have a think about that.

    She has pulled back completely from her best friend and the larger group of girls. As they are all in the one class the problems seem to happen on the way to the next class, not at break times.

    Thank you for the replies

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    Being a young teenage girl is hard, they can be so cruel at that age.
    I agree, I think your DD's bestie lacks confidence and in order to fit in with the large group she's sacrificing your DD so to speak. I think at that age, quite often their drive to fit in overrides friendship and staying true to themselves.
    I think the most important thing right now is to continue fostering your DD's self-esteem and confidence so that she may be resilient during these times. If hanging out with boys is what's going to make her day easier until the girl pack moves on, then I see no harm. Has she got any other girls she talks to? I had a few close male friends at that age and they were really positive friendships, there's no drama or gossip, no pressure on how you look and recess or lunch usually consisted of handball tournaments so I was active. I think she's done the right thing pulling back, her friend seems to think she can have her cake and eat it too. I hope the girls giving your DD grief lose interest soon, my heart goes out to her.

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    Things got worse today.

    Seems DD was chased through the school by said girl.

    DD is so upset. The teacher is onto it and is having a meeting with either the other child and DD or just the other child. She has left this decision up to DD.

    But it is heartbreaking to see DD so upset. She said she has no friends now as the other child was telling the entire class why DD was late to class and upset

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    My heart aches for your DD. I had a horrible time in high school. Girls really can be so so nasty at that age.

    I would just keep boosting your daughters confidence and let her know this isn't forever (not that that makes it any easier to deal with right now) but there is a big wide world out there and in the long run those girls are nothing and to also stay true to herself.

    I'm sorry I can't offer any other help. I really hope it all gets sorted out.

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    How awful for her and you I don't have much advice on the situation but I did want to say my friends at high school were almost 100% boys. I couldn't be bothered with girl drama at all. I have a brother and never wanted a sister so I was more than ok with having guys as friends. I used to hang out with whole groups of guys. There was nothing untoward about it - we were all just one group of friends. I often found that, for me, girl friends were for a season or a reason but guy friends were forever!

    If this 'leader' girl is trying her best to control who in the group is friends with who, she's probably quite insecure in all honesty. Hopefully a conversation with the teacher might get her to pull her socks up a bit.

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    Default Girls and high school

    I came to write basically what @HillDweller said.
    I wasn't overly bullied or excluded but yeah lots of "fights" backstabbing and biatchiness (also on my part).
    Started hanging out with the boys at 15 and still mates with them now (and married to one!). So it's certainly nothing to feel concerned about, having male friends, we certainly all weren't banging or anything sexual lol (hooked up with dh in uni). No drama, brought out the best in me.

    I feel so sorry for your daughter, the first year in high school in particular establishing groups and pecking orders are brutal xxx. I hope she finds some good friends that she deserves- and she will
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 10-05-2017 at 18:46.

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    Default Girls and high school

    My eldest was 3 weeks in and came home and informed me that 'girls are *****es'. She has hung out with a group of male friends ever since, with a couple of other girls that prefer the boys as friends too. Much less drama.

    She has been called a number of names by other groups of girls in her grade because she is friends with boys and always tells me about it. We focus on ignoring the ones that cause drama and if needed she has told her year adviser or I have emailed or called her. Nothing really gets done about bullying in this context because it's not physical but keep reminding her that these girls don't matter in the grand scheme of things and never be afraid to let the school know what is going on and give her lots of hugs because some days they need a little extra love when dealing with *****y hormonal girls!!!
    Last edited by Baby Girl; 10-05-2017 at 18:54. Reason: Because I can't spell lol

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