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  1. #1
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    Default Advice please: I've offended my DH over family ring

    Long time BH user here, coming back to seek advice from the brains trust after a bit of an absence.

    DH and I have been together 11 years, and later this year will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. We were married in a "no frills" way after DH proposed (again, in a no-frills way!) with his family heirloom engagement ring ( which is not "no frills"!).

    At the time, I liked the ring but didn't love it, and I was honest about that. DH went to his father and asked if he would mind if we had it re-designed but the answer was no. So instead we had it re-sized, and dipped in white gold (I can't wear yellow gold), plus they also did some work to it to secure the stones a bit better, as we were concerned the claws had worn away a bit. It looked a lot better and I wore it a few times after that but once we were married (only a month after getting engaged) I just wore our wedding ring and put the family ring safely away, with the knowledge that it will be handed down to our future son or daughter (we've since had one of each).

    Knowing our 10 year anniversary is coming up, and I'm also turning 40 soon, I've been starting to think about a gift to signify a significant year in my life. Having a nice ring from DH could be a lovely new tradition of our own, and something else to pass to our kids someday. I'm not talking mega bling, just something small and personal, definitely under the $1k mark.

    Well. DH asked me yesterday what I wanted for my birthday and I gently (or so I thought) suggested that seeing as I never really wore my engagement ring, and it wasn't really my style, and in the interests of starting new traditions etc, that maybe for all gifts combined this year - Mother's Day, 40th bday, and 10 year anniversary - could be a new ring of my choosing, something I could happily wear every day with my wedding band. DH had a huge reaction to this suggestion, and was extremely upset and offended. He started saying we may as well get rid of the family ring seeing as I dislike it so much, and seemed to take it as a rejection of him and him and his family. I tried expanding on my reasons but it only made things worse. He was crying and upset, and eventually left the room saying he could talk for the time being. I tried to later talk with him but our kids were there and it was too hard to carry on such an emotional conversation with them there.

    So today things have been civil but tense. And I have no idea what to do or say, lest I make things worse again. DH is keeping himself busy around the house and running errands, and between this and the kids there haven't been any opportunities to talk. I know that he's still clearly upset and I'm sure it will all blow up again, it's just a matter of time. I feel horrible that I've upset DH like this and don't know what to say or do to make things better. I wish I'd never said anything and just bought myself the damn ring! But that would mean it didn't come from DH and therefore wouldn't be as special, missing the whole point of the gift.

    Any advice?

  2. #2
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    Normally I would say buy your own ring and wear what makes you happy.... but if a grown man is reduced to tears over an engagement ring then wow it must mean a lot to him. So in this case I'd wear the family ring as a sign of my love and respect for him. DH bought me my engagement ring and it certainly wouldn't have been my first choice so I get it. But your DH is obviously very sentimental and I think that's sweet, so I'd try to wear the ring. Maybe buy a really nice ring for your right hand?

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  4. #3
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    Could you wear the ring and ask for an eternity ring to sit on top?

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  6. #4
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    I guess so... it's literally been 10 years since I wore it. Also after our argument yesterday DH took the ring and I no longer know where it is.

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    Even though you do not wear it maybe its the thought of replacing it.

    What is the history/stories of the ring? Is it something that was talked about or not?

    Just give him some time. I would not replace it in this situation. I like the idea of an eternity ring.

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    I would ask for an eternity ring. I don't wear my engagement ring or my wedding ring (I was a size 6 when we got married so is too small), but I wear my white gold eternity ring on my ring finger.

    It's clearly super important to him. I would be honest but gentle. Tell him how sorry you are that you hurt his feelings, that it wasn't your intention, you just wanted your own tradition to pass down.

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  11. #7
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    Default Advice please: I've offended my DH over family ring

    I think your DHs reaction was way over the top and kind of ridiculous to be honest. If it were be I'd be mad at DH for getting mad at me in the first place. I mean he asked you what you wanted and you told him in a gentle and kind way. Surely after you told him all those years ago that the ring was not your style he had figured at some point you might like another ring that is actually your style.

    Imagine if you had say a watch in your family that was passed down through generations, you gave it to DH and it was clearly not to his taste yet it's something he's expected to wear frequently. He appreciates the sentiment but doesn't really feel comfortable so puts it away safely for your future child. Then after a DECADE he kindly asks if maybe since he's turning 40 you could buy him a watch that he gets to choose himself that he would feel comfortable wearing every day, and you flip your lid. It's the same situation and it seems really unfair to me.

    It's not like you've rejected his family. You've kept the ring safe all these years so his family tradition can continue and when you were told you couldn't redesign the ring you didn't kick up a stink you accepted it and happily wore the ring during your engagement. The whole thing seems really unfair to me and if it were me I'd buy myself a beautiful ring for my 40th birthday because you've been very gracious in this whole situation and after being married 10 years you deserve to have a ring that you love.
    Last edited by Mama Mirabelle; 08-05-2017 at 01:00.

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  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mama Mirabelle View Post
    I think your DHs reaction was way over the top and kind of ridiculous to be honest. If it were be I'd be mad at DH for getting mad at me in the first place. I mean he asked you what you wanted and you told him in a gentle and kind way. Surely after you told him all those years ago that the ring was not your style he had figured at some point you might like another ring that is actually your style.

    Imagine if you had say a watch in your family that was passed down through generations, you gave it to DH and it was clearly not to his taste yet it's something he's expected to wear frequently. He appreciates the sentiment but doesn't really feel comfortable so puts it away safely for your future child. Then after a DECADE he kindly asks if maybe since he's turning 40 you could buy him a watch that he gets to choose himself that he would feel comfortable wearing every day, and you flip your lid. It's the same situation and it seems really unfair to me.

    It's not like you've rejected his family. You've kept the ring safe all these years so his family tradition can continue and when you were told you couldn't redesign the ring you didn't kick up a stink you accepted it and happily wore the ring during your engagement. The whole thing seems really unfair to me and if it were me I'd by myself a beautiful ring for my 40th birthday because you've been very gracious in this whole situation and after being married 10 years you deserve to have a ring that you love.
    I must say I agree with this. He cried? He really cried? OTT. It is a ring for gods sake. A little perspective is needed on his behalf me thinks!

    I get it's sentimental but like wow. Surely he must have known that as you haven't worn it in ten years you don't like it? Nothing personal against him or his family just not your style. Seriously nothing to get that upset over!

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  15. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    I must say I agree with this. He cried? He really cried? OTT. It is a ring for gods sake. A little perspective is needed on his behalf me thinks!

    I get it's sentimental but like wow. Surely he must have known that as you haven't worn it in ten years you don't like it? Nothing personal against him or his family just not your style. Seriously nothing to get that upset over!
    Who knows what really lies behind the ring or how he deals with rejection.
    I would rate OP's DH reaction one way or another, everyone is entitled to their own feelings.

    I'd probably try and say sorry, didn't realised how much the ring meant to him and you didn't mean to upset him.

    Maybe he was upset at the "setting new traditions" side of things? He could have taken it as if you were trying to replace/erase his family traditions?

    Love the eternity ring idea. Would it sit nicely with the family ring?

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  17. #10
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    Well if that's the way he deals with rejection i won't be happy with that! I'd be asking some questions as to why that a ring -even a very sentimental one could cause such a reaction. It's not getting worn anyway. What's the problem about getting yourself a ring you love.
    Unless he reacts like this all the time? Which would be a whole other issue in my book...


 

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