+ Reply to Thread
Page 7 of 8 FirstFirst ... 5678 LastLast
Results 61 to 70 of 78
  1. #61
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    64
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    keep searching for advice and support. keep reaching out to people. You need to understand that this relationship is not healthy, it is not going to get better without significant changes from him and from yourself. And this is not what you want for your children. hugs, marie.

    Can anyone relate to having wild
    swings in how you feel about it all? Like one moment you can't believe you would ever stay and the next you can't contemplate any sort of a split?

    And OMG the data on how children from divorced families do so much more poorly than those in families still together - it's frightening!

  2. #62
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    64
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Tried posting this before - hope I don't double post - has anyone read the data on how poorly comparably children from divorced families fare? That is truly scary stuff! The one thing that I would have going for me and my situation is that I think I could afford to stay in the same house - it's not as expensive as most and husband could afford to move out. Kids could stay in the same area. Anyone else got comments on how kids go post divorce?

    Sorry I just saw I did double post!
    Last edited by zoe1978; 09-05-2017 at 12:37. Reason: Double post

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,077
    Thanks
    635
    Thanked
    361
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    Thanks for this I totally
    relate to not being 'allowed' to be angry. When he is angry he shuts me down and doesn't want to hear me at all. I swallow my feelings and become a little numb. Can you elaborate a little on the difference between short fuse/abuser/mental health. I just ask becuase I am sure he doesn't wake up and say 'I think I will yell at my wife" - he just gets furious sometimes. And he has depression and if he doesn't take his meds it is always worse. This has been going on for years though without much improvement. Is there a difference in advice for mental health/short fuse?

    He doesn't fit the mould of an abuser but a number of the things listed have already happen. And also he acknowledges what he did - but also minimises it and won't apologise or talk about it much. He's also not controlling really - certainly not financially and I am pretty much free to do what I want.....he doesn't take much of an interest I guess.

    Thanks again
    The second part of this is my dp. He shook his fist at me once, but only that one time. It was 5 years ago. He never apologised or even acknowledged it was wrong. I remember it so well he got angry with me because on our way to the beach I said which one and he maintained he'd already suggested one and I'd said yes. And when I defended myself saying I didn't hear him he went off at me complaining that I don't listen properly. I'm reading lundy's book and he is Mr right in many ways. He once went ballistic at me for adjusting a new booster seat because I looked in the instructions and thought he'd put it in wrong. It was unsafe. He's calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of risking our kids lives. All because I questioned his authority on car seats. But he wouldn't care who I went out with, we have a joint account etc. his mum told my mum he's always been controlling. Unfortunately I only just found this out. I've made an appointment to see a relationship counsellor by myself but he says he will come to some sessions. Honestly I feel scared. He doesn't fit the profile of an abuser in many ways but never admits when he is wrong so I'm scared making him face up to some of these things will make things even worse. Sorry not meaning to derail this I just sense so many similarities between our partners and I don't know what it means. Are they abusive? Should we have left years ago??

  4. #64
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    64
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    The second part of this is my dp. He shook his fist at me once, but only that one time. It was 5 years ago. He never apologised or even acknowledged it was wrong. I remember it so well he got angry with me because on our way to the beach I said which one and he maintained he'd already suggested one and I'd said yes. And when I defended myself saying I didn't hear him he went off at me complaining that I don't listen properly. I'm reading lundy's book and he is Mr right in many ways. He once went ballistic at me for adjusting a new booster seat because I looked in the instructions and thought he'd put it in wrong. It was unsafe. He's calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of risking our kids lives. All because I questioned his authority on car seats. But he wouldn't care who I went out with, we have a joint account etc. his mum told my mum he's always been controlling. Unfortunately I only just found this out. I've made an appointment to see a relationship counsellor by myself but he says he will come to some sessions. Honestly I feel scared. He doesn't fit the profile of an abuser in many ways but never admits when he is wrong so I'm scared making him face up to some of these things will make things even worse. Sorry not meaning to derail this I just sense so many similarities between our partners and I don't know what it means. Are they abusive? Should we have left years ago??

    I really don't know and I am totally confused. I still feel love when I look
    at him and that confuses me completely. He does do some things to try to make things better between us and spend time with me - he got some movies/series we could watch once the kids are in bed - but it's just staring at the screen together.

    My husband has called me crazy and an idiot in front of the kids. But he isn't financially or socially controlling - I actually do the banking and pay all the bills from the joint account because he doesn't really want to and wouldn't remember anyway.

    Your story about the trip to the beach is him totally, completely, in fact I could have written that myself. There have been a number of times he has 'gone off' at me and/or the kids in the car - he has really yelled at the top of his voice and the kids get upset. If I forget something he says or if I don't make myself clear he gets angry. Most of the time it is not him going ballistic but it has happened. I find this makes it very difficult for me to communicate with him as it makes me nervous to even talk to him, making it more likely that I will be unclear and then he'll become angry (often not aggressive or violent - just angry and dismissive). I find this is bad enough to drive a wedge between us.

    The thought of the hurt to my kids - especially my son who is so fond of his dad - if we did split is like a thorn in my side. I want to believe that the kids would be fine, and that living between 2 houses would not hurt them but of course it would. This part scares the life out of me. And the weird thing is that after all this, I want to talk to my husband about it and see what he thinks...is that because of my attachment to me or what????? I still want to tell him about my day and ask how his was. He is the first and only person I would go to when having problems elsewhere......but this has lessened lately.

    So confused...

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Posts
    1,703
    Thanks
    1,454
    Thanked
    1,430
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    Can anyone relate to having wild
    swings in how you feel about it all? Like one moment you can't believe you would ever stay and the next you can't contemplate any sort of a split?

    And OMG the data on how children from divorced families do so much more poorly than those in families still together - it's frightening!
    Look it stands to reason that kids growing up in families where the parents are respectful of each other and can foster a positive family environment will probably do better in certain measurable aspects than children who have experienced their parents divorcing and prolonged emotional cr@p.

    However, your kids are exposed to DV and are experiencing an unhappy home life now. Leaving your husband will limit your children's exposure to his mood swings. Google the effects of domestic violence in children - there are heaps of articles and studies out there and the long term effects paint quite a sad and confronting picture.

    I would suggest instead of focusing on the effects of divorce on children and dreading putting your children through a divorce, you switch your focus to the long term damage that will be done to their mental health and future relationships if you stay.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 09-05-2017 at 14:01.

  6. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to SSecret Squirrel For This Useful Post:

    BlondeinBrisvegas  (09-05-2017),magicmashie  (09-05-2017),theworkingmum  (09-05-2017)

  7. #66
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    1,230
    Thanks
    208
    Thanked
    779
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Zoe, your story is so very similar to mine. The behavior of your DH, the eggshells and the overiding feeling of love you have. It was that love that made our separation as successful as it has been. We loved each other, but weren't in love and I no longer (almost in hindsight ) wanted to live with the tension, the eggshells and the short fuse and resultant aggression. We have been separated 3yrs now and I (finally) feel that it was most definitely the right thing to do. We made an absolute commitment that the kids would come first, that we would focus on them being happy and feeling loved and supported in two homes. My exDH and I actually did and sometimes still do support each other emotionally, we speak most days, and work together to raise our 3 kids. We still care deeply about each other, but would I ever live with him again...hell no!!! We will always be connected by our kids, divorce doesn't have to be a nightmare. If you can both get to a point where you realise you will both be happier and healthier apart then you can successfully separate without the agro. We have had lots of uglier moments but with lots of compromise and conversation I am really proud of how we have behaved. And our kids are thriving ☺

  8. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Kaybaby For This Useful Post:

    harvs  (11-05-2017),zoe1978  (09-05-2017)

  9. #67
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    64
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Kaybaby View Post
    Zoe, your story is so very similar to mine. The behavior of your DH, the eggshells and the overiding feeling of love you have. It was that love that made our separation as successful as it has been. We loved each other, but weren't in love and I no longer (almost in hindsight ) wanted to live with the tension, the eggshells and the short fuse and resultant aggression. We have been separated 3yrs now and I (finally) feel that it was most definitely the right thing to do. We made an absolute commitment that the kids would come first, that we would focus on them being happy and feeling loved and supported in two homes. My exDH and I actually did and sometimes still do support each other emotionally, we speak most days, and work together to raise our 3 kids. We still care deeply about each other, but would I ever live with him again...hell no!!! We will always be connected by our kids, divorce doesn't have to be a nightmare. If you can both get to a point where you realise you will both be happier and healthier apart then you can successfully separate without the agro. We have had lots of uglier moments but with lots of compromise and conversation I am really proud of how we have behaved. And our kids are thriving ☺
    Thank you, I really hope we can get to a point like that. Your comment: "It was that love that made our separation as successful has it has been", is really hopeful and positive. I wonder what this next 13 months will bring me though. I feel so up and down and unsure about anything and everything. And I really don't know if he will ever agree to a mutually supporting divorce, especially after trying that himself 3 year ago and me convincing him to stay...

  10. #68
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    64
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Well I worked up the courage to mention some of this to him. I just asked him to think about why he might be so angry and he said that he wasn't angry lately but the other weekend he was. I said to him he seemed unhappy underneath it all and asked him if he though this (meaning the state of our relationship) was sustainable and he said yes. I then asked him to tell me what it was about me that annoyed him and he said it was my arrogance thinking I'm right all the time. I then explained that if we wanted to separate as he did a few years ago that it didn't have to be awful and that it seemed like since then we were faking it. He didn't say much at all to that and when I asked him what else he wanted to say in said 'nothing at the moment'.

    At least it has been put out there again. I feel a little relief.

    Anyone lived with their husband for a while (year or so) before you could officially separate?

  11. #69
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    1,426
    Thanks
    12,391
    Thanked
    5,071
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default End of marriage? How did you know?

    Hi @zoe1978,

    Our situations are different in that I didn't have children, but my last partner was a classic case of a mental & emotional abuser & it seems he had NPD.

    It took me well over a year from knowing I had to leave, to actually walking out that door. I was terrified for my life & had no idea how to navigate the situation I found myself in.

    During that year I did weekly therapy - every single week And read every book I could get my hands on to understand abuse & what had been happening to me. I wasn't crazy, I was being abused. Everything you feel - the confusion, the love, the swings are all very normal, but sorting through it with a therapist will be very helpful in unraveling it all.

    The books I found most helpful were the Lundy Bancroft books & anything by Patricia Evans especially Verbally Abusive Relationships. I cried when I read that one because I felt validated for the first time in a long time.

    By doing all that work on myself over that year, by the time I left I did not have one regret & knew without a doubt that I had tried everything & I was completely done. And I never looked back.

    I am now in a relationship with a man who treats me like gold

    Good luck, it's not easy, but you deserve to be valued, loved, respected, heard, nurtured, supported, validated, & be free from fear, anxiety & confusion. As you thrive, so will your children.

  12. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Summer For This Useful Post:

    harvs  (18-05-2017),SSecret Squirrel  (11-05-2017),SuperGranny  (25-07-2017)

  13. #70
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    64
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Hi all
    It's been a few months and I just wanted to see how everyone who posted is doing? I'm ok - husband hasn't been physically aggressive for a while. Since I last posted he has flicked me on the ear because he felt like I'd done something wrong....whatever.

    He hasn't really flown off the handle but can be very verbally aggressive and critical of me. One of our kids tonight cried and said for the first time how much they hate it when there is a fight. A 'fight' is usually just him yelling at me, as he was tonight after I asked him to help one of the kids with their slime kit (he thought this was a bad idea on a week night).

    Although things have been better than awful, I guess I feel like the damage has been done. He spends most of his time after the kids are in bed glued to his computer. He also does this on weekends and rarely spends time with us. Or if he does spend time with us it is for an outing or so token thing that he does.

    I feel like this marriage brings out the worst in him/us. His posting o/s finishes around this time next year and I've decided that even if he gets posted somewhere else - I am going home. Thing is that it is unlikely he will, he will be going home for work too.

    Anyway, I just wanted to update and see how you all were? Is anyone else just sticking it out for now? Anyone just waiting a little till the kids are a little older?

  14. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to zoe1978 For This Useful Post:

    BH-KatiesMum  (16-08-2017),Freyamum  (16-08-2017),lubelu22  (16-08-2017),Middytron  (15-08-2017)


 

Similar Threads

  1. How did you know your marriage was over?
    By mummanna in forum General Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 20-06-2013, 10:42
  2. How did you know it was the end
    By lilCsmummy in forum Single Parents
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 10-07-2007, 21:05
  3. PRE-ECLAMPSIA-How did you know?
    By ♥Heaven Sent♥ in forum Pre-eclampsia
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 06-07-2007, 10:09
  4. DH how did you know he was the one?
    By babylover111 in forum General Chat
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 09-09-2006, 11:48
  5. How did you know when...
    By V8 in forum Should we have another baby?
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 04-08-2006, 22:32

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
FEATURED SUPPORTER
Sudocrem / InfacolSudocrem® is a soothing emollient cream which aids and assists in the management of nappy rash. Sudocrem® is used to ...
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›