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  1. #41
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    thanks for chiming in. What tipped you over the edge? Can I ask how you felt about and what you went through wrt breaking the attachment? It's like he is part of me!
    My situation was a little unusual in that it was an unplanned pregnancy that began a huge painful chain of events that eventually led to our split. We both acknowledge that had that not occurred we would likely still be together now. (Although now three years on the jury is out on that one!).

    There was one comment my ex made to me above everything else that tipped me over the edge when I understood deep inside of me that we were done. It still took 18 months to really finish things up. He said once to me 'neither of us can pull the trigger' and he was right. It was so damn painful.

    We lived apart with the idea of getting back together at some point, and to be honest I was sure it would happen. He was the one in the end that ended it and I had lived in denial up until that point. So it was like a stab to my heart. I regret that wasted time so much now.

    I suffered for two years, crying every day, obsessing over everything. I think I was in limbo and scared to move on. Then, one day, I was in my car when I realised I didn't love my ex any more, nor did I hate him. I nothinged him.

    You will get to that stage, believe me. I won't lie, it's hard, but you will get through.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    Sorry earlier you said it's all your fault? Why is it all your fault,
    I think I meant that if I initiate a separation the pain I cause everyone will be all my fault.

    Particularly since he tried his a few years ago and I convinced him to stay. It would be like I wasted a few years of his life.

    The reality that I have to stay here with him for the next year until our time here is up is really hitting me now. I am scared of that...

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    I grew up in this kind of home. No physical abuse but a heap of psychological and financial abuse. Appearances were kept with family and friends.

    I was afraid. Watching those confrontations was just awful. I was unhappy. I saw my mum being abused and belittled and watched her confidence erode. I also learnt that lack of confidence and for the first few years out of school, had toxic relationships of my own both personally and professionally. Put simply, I was easy to bully. I had no strategies to stop it. I still really really struggle with confrontation, and want to physically run from it.

    Everyone was happier once mum left. It was a huge decision, not easy, but it was the right thing and should have been done so much earlier.

    You and your children deserve to be happy and to feel safe, confident and respected. That is not going to happen while you are with your DH. Please, please, know that you and your kids are worth so much more.

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    [QUOToE=zoe1978;8685019]I think I meant that if I initiate a separation the pain I cause everyone will be all my fault.

    Particularly since he tried his a few years ago and I convinced him to stay. It would be like I wasted a few years of his life.

    The reality that I have to stay here with him for the next year until our time here is up is really hitting me now. I am scared of that...[/QUOTE]

    How do you know that your friends and family can't see behind your barrier now. In all honestly they probably won't acknowledge anything to you at all

    I know if that I had met my exh back into my life which he wanted to do but his little hoe who apparently didn't exist got pregnant. I would be dead today I can assure you of that. I cried for so long blaming myself but in hindsight none of it was my fault at all.

    Yes it is hard but I'll say it again what happens next time he locks you on the balcony do you want to be the next warriena wright. Do you want your kids knowing that your dh could very easily snap for no reason and do that to you and to your kids. Do you want your marriage to escalates when he will physically abuse you not just mentally and emotionally.

    We can all tell you our stories on here and tell you it's time to leave because it's unhealthy.

    Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life. Being in a happy marriage there are happy and sad times but have a good think about when you really had great times together not with the kids but just you to with a tonne of intimacy and I'm not talking about a hug or a kiss. I'm talking about real romance

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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    probably not helpful but i'd rather my kids be from a "broken home" than have to witness a broken marriage. nothing is more unhealthy than a dysfunctional home and 2 unhappy people faking it.

    i also resent the term "broken home". my belief is it's an entirely patriarchal construct designed to shame unhappy women into not leaving their abusive husbands.
    This soo much- my parents divorced when I was six and when I was 10 my mum met my step dad. They spent 14 years together and it was a complete broken marriage full of jealousy, lies abuse to my mum brother and me. I could go on and on what we went through.

    A broken marriage is so damaging to children, it shaped me as a person a broken home doesn't exist

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    My situation was a little unusual in that it was an unplanned pregnancy that began a huge painful chain of events that eventually led to our split. We both acknowledge that had that not occurred we would likely still be together now. (Although now three years on the jury is out on that one!).

    There was one comment my ex made to me above everything else that tipped me over the edge when I understood deep inside of me that we were done. It still took 18 months to really finish things up. He said once to me 'neither of us can pull the trigger' and he was right. It was so damn painful.

    We lived apart with the idea of getting back together at some point, and to be honest I was sure it would happen. He was the one in the end that ended it and I had lived in denial up until that point. So it was like a stab to my heart. I regret that wasted time so much now.

    I suffered for two years, crying every day, obsessing over everything. I think I was in limbo and scared to move on. Then, one day, I was in my car when I realised I didn't love my ex any more, nor did I hate him. I nothinged him.

    You will get to that stage, believe me. I won't lie, it's hard, but you will get through.

    I am feeling limbo for sure. One thing I do know is that if I took the kids home to Aus now and left husband o/s, that would be very bad for the kids. They love their father and have a great relationship with him. I can't leave them here with him either. They have in their heads we are going home in a little over a year. I think it's best to stick to this. But this leaves me in a position where I can't separate from him for a year. We are in separate rooms (due to son, not us) and this is a relief. This year stretching out in front of me is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I don't have to take a terrifying leap for a while and a curse because I can't. I don't know how to fill it. I feel like since husband wanted to leave but didn't 3 yrs ago our relationship has lost its authenticity - hard to describe but love is conscious now. If we forget to be caring then it doesn't happen, its more like a business arrangement. Forced, habit. I can say for 99 percent we would not be together were it not for the kids. But is this the 'work' you have to put in?

    How long is a year in the scheme of things to know the end is coming but not be able to say/do it?

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    Default Time

    I knew for well over two years it was over but kept trying to revive a dead carcass and give and give and give some more

    The point with time is, it is FINITE

    My aha moment was after my two friends died. I really realised I could not waste a minute longer

    I couldn't waste more time when I knew it was dead

    I realised my friends were dead but I didn't have to be dead on the inside

    I realised in them dying how much I wanted to and needed to LIVE

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    i wonder how to use this year? How to bide my time and how to respond to him and his anger but efforts to 'improve'.

    Another thing I thought of - I don't think husband is deliberately awful. I just think he is the way he is - the manipulation isn't deliberate...does this change the dv thing? He's got a very short fuse and is easily upset/angered by anything - not just me.
    Last edited by zoe1978; 07-05-2017 at 23:22.

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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    i wonder how to use this year? How to bide my time and how to respond to him and his anger but efforts to 'improve'.

    Another thing I thought of - I don't think husband is deliberately awful. I just think he is the way he is - the manipulation isn't deliberate...does this change the dv thing? He's got a very short fuse and is easily upset/angered by anything - not just me.
    I strongly recommend you read the Lundy Bancroft book I referred to earlier in this thread. It changed my perspective on DV forever. There are also checklists in the book on how to tell if what you are experiencing is DV, plus how to determine if change is real or not. It also delves into deliberate behaviour vs a short fuse vs mental illness.

    Here is a link on Amazon:
    https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-T.../dp/0425191656

    ETA here are some quotes from the book that I found online that I believe are relevant to your situation:

    “YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
    One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”

    “Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
    Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
    Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
    Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
    Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
    Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
    If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.”

    “The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his pattern of ups and downs. She gets drawn into the complexities of his inner world, trying to uncover clues, moving pieces around in an attempt to solve an elaborate puzzle.”

    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 07-05-2017 at 23:51.

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    Here are some quotes for you to consider:
    “THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.”

    “When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he was angry because he was abusive. Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury.”

    “Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.”

    “An abuser doesn’t change because he feels guilty or gets sober or finds God. He doesn’t change after seeing the fear in his children’s eyes or feeling them drift away from him. It doesn’t suddenly dawn on him that his partner deserves better treatment. Because of his self-focus, combined with the many rewards he gets from controlling you, an abuser changes only when he has to, so the most important element in creating a context for change in an abuser is placing him in a situation where he has no other choice. Otherwise, it is highly unlikely that he will ever change his behavior.”

    “In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.”

    “Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is.”

    “Are you afraid of him? Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationships difficult? Is your level of energy and motivation declining, or do you feel depressed? Is your self-opinion declining, so that you are always fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself? Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? Do you feel like you can’t do anything right? Do you feel like the problems in your relationship are all your fault? Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you’ve been messed with but can’t figure out exactly why?”


    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 08-05-2017 at 00:04.


 
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