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  1. #31
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    probably not helpful but i'd rather my kids be from a "broken home" than have to witness a broken marriage. nothing is more unhealthy than a dysfunctional home and 2 unhappy people faking it.

    i also resent the term "broken home". my belief is it's an entirely patriarchal construct designed to shame unhappy women into not leaving their abusive husbands.

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  3. #32
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    I hate that term too - and yeah could well be a clever use of words.

    You mentioned faking it and I wonder if that's what we've been doing ever since we nearly broke up 3 years ago. Faking it but thinking it is actually 'toughing it out'... But on the other hand I genuinely care for him and feel attached.....unhealthily?

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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    I hate that term too - and yeah could well be a clever use of words.

    You mentioned faking it and I wonder if that's what we've been doing ever since we nearly broke up 3 years ago. Faking it but thinking it is actually 'toughing it out'... But on the other hand I genuinely care for him and feel attached.....unhealthily?
    I've been quietly reading along to this thread, and I just thought I'd add a couple of things if that's alright.

    I would usually say that you 'just know' when it's time to leave. But sometimes that voice speaks very quietly inside us because making that decision is more scary than keeping the status quo. Yes, even when it's for the best.

    I would normally never advocate for someone to leave a marriage. But I think you are clear here in what needs to happen. You know that you're in an abusive relationship. You sound like you're doing ok, but you deserve better. Your kids deserve better than to witness this. You're doing ok now, and splitting will hurt, and logistically it's a headf**k, and you will be scared, and you will feel like a failure, and at least now you kind of have someone, and someone is better than nothing, right?

    You have no idea how amazing you will feel after you've grieved your relationship breakdown. Yes, you are attached, yes it's unhealthy, yes becoming detached is agonising, seriously the hardest thing I've ever been through. But the other side is really quite something.

    Start planning for how it's going to work. Put aside the money if you can.

    You know, my ex used to disagree that he was being emotionally abusive, and it became just so important to me to get him to realise it and to acknowledge it, until the penny dropped and I knew that wasn't going to happen. Thing is, it doesn't matter. If you feel abused that's all the truth you need. What others think is irrelevant. What he will say about you is none of your business and will actually say everything about him and not you. Some friends and family will get that. Some won't. You'll find out who is in your tribe.

    This will be the start of you not being on the same page about things. And it sucks but it's ok. It will be ok.

    Go grab that life!

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  6. #34
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    Hi and thanks again. I feel totally confused about it all - we are so well suited in some ways but there really is an undercurrent of him being easily frustrated and upset and I am sure some of that is from me and our relationship. He really does say some mean things, but at other times he can be loving. Mostly we are just like relatives that care for one another - until he is angry. Today for instance, we met with a single, older friend and talked about general stuff - some of what we talked about was our plans for the future, clearly husband plans for us to be together in future, and would not expect me to leave.

    I mentioned he nearly left a few yrs ago but I was unprepared and convinced him to stay. He never really said he loved me unless I asked and even then it was lukewarm. At the time I was willing to accept a lukewarm relationship but now I feel like it is hurting me. We do love one another but not lovingly so. I think we annoy each other more than that. And I think by accepting the relationship then, we automatically went 'down a few pegs' in the relationship - meaning that we lowered our expectations for the sake of stability and the kids.

    I think this hurts me more than him - he is content to sit in front of his computer all day and watch movies etc. He says himself he rarely considers anything but what is in front of him so can continue like this.

    Would being alone really be better......I guess so but the pain I would cause by asking him to leave.........the kids, for him and for others - How to continue to function during this, particularly since I caused it all...

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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    Hi and thanks again. I feel totally confused about it all - we are so well suited in some ways but there really is an undercurrent of him being easily frustrated and upset and I am sure some of that is from me and our relationship. He really does say some mean things, but at other times he can be loving. Mostly we are just like relatives that care for one another - until he is angry. Today for instance, we met with a single, older friend and talked about general stuff - some of what we talked about was our plans for the future, clearly husband plans for us to be together in future, and would not expect me to leave.

    I mentioned he nearly left a few yrs ago but I was unprepared and convinced him to stay. He never really said he loved me unless I asked and even then it was lukewarm. At the time I was willing to accept a lukewarm relationship but now I feel like it is hurting me. We do love one another but not lovingly so. I think we annoy each other more than that. And I think by accepting the relationship then, we automatically went 'down a few pegs' in the relationship - meaning that we lowered our expectations for the sake of stability and the kids.

    I think this hurts me more than him - he is content to sit in front of his computer all day and watch movies etc. He says himself he rarely considers anything but what is in front of him so can continue like this.

    Would being alone really be better......I guess so but the pain I would cause by asking him to leave.........the kids, for him and for others - How to continue to function during this, particularly since I caused it all...
    I know you think you will be hurting your kids by leaving. Sure initially it will be an adjustment for them. But you say you and your kids are safe but have you ever thought about if your kids "feel" safe? Home is meant to be a safe haven. With all the fighting, being locked on the balcony etc etc have you actually thought about the fact your kids might actually hate being at home for these very reasons.

    If you do stay, please get them counselling so they do have a safe place to go and vent

  8. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    Reading these replies I almost can't believe what has happened. Today he is calm and apparently rational - we are all going to a school thing for the kids. Last night he locked the balcony door so I couldn't get in (only for 30 seconds or so) and he was yelling at me and he called one of the kids an idiot. All of that is true, plus he grabbed me so I couldn't get away and he pushed me (not hard, but a definite push) and yelled in my face (and was so angry he was spitting while he did it). All of this is true, it actually happened. And yes, he has done this kind of thing before, pushed me, grabbed me so he could yell in my face. And the kids are sad about it. Not good.

    Nobody we know knows of this. If I do leave, I won't tell them either, well only my family maybe and close friends.

    I guess also with this wearing me down, my kids will be better with a less emotionally drawn mother who may be alone but not abused (mostly verbally, but otherwise as well).

    Witherwings is right - an outward appearance of 'success' (at least in my mind - the family, the friends, the holidays etc) is worth nothing if I am unhappy.

    Is it really a failure to divorce, even if there was no violence? Do people really think that? Clearly I have got that in my head somehow...

    People get divorced for far smaller issues. Divorce doesn't mean you have failed. It means that life is too god damn short to be unhappy!

    You have one body, one brain, one heart. Worship it, don't let it be abused or disrespected.

    That goes for your kids too, and they will know they have a strong mamma who will protect them and teach them to stand up for themselves and treat others with respect and dignity.

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  10. #37
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    My ex DH said one day that he did not love me anymore. Then I slowly found out about lying, cheating (and god knows what else). We were agreeing to separate based on the initial information. I felt like a failure too but I know now that it was the right decision. People may have judged but they did not have to understand

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    I think toughing it out has made our relationship a habit and a security blanket. Honestly I don’t know if he really loves me in a romantic way, just as the mother of his children and I feel the same way about my feelings for him. I am just so attached to him. Has anyone left someone they felt this way about?

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    I've been quietly reading along to this thread, and I just thought I'd add a couple of things if that's alright.






    I would usually say that you 'just know' when it's time to leave. But sometimes that voice speaks very quietly inside us because making that decision is more scary than keeping the status quo. Yes, even when it's for the best.

    I would normally never advocate for someone to leave a marriage. But I think you are clear here in what needs to happen. You know that you're in an abusive relationship. You sound like you're doing ok, but you deserve better. Your kids deserve better than to witness this. You're doing ok now, and splitting will hurt, and logistically it's a headf**k, and you will be scared, and you will feel like a failure, and at least now you kind of have someone, and someone is better than nothing, right?

    You have no idea how amazing you will feel after you've grieved your relationship breakdown. Yes, you are attached, yes it's unhealthy, yes becoming detached is agonising, seriously the hardest thing I've ever been through. But the other side is really quite something.

    Start planning for how it's going to work. Put aside the money if you can.

    You know, my ex used to disagree that he was being emotionally abusive, and it became just so important to me to get him to realise it and to acknowledge it, until the penny dropped and I knew that wasn't going to happen. Thing is, it doesn't matter. If you feel abused that's all the truth you need. What others think is irrelevant. What he will say about you is none of your business and will actually say everything about him and not you. Some friends and family will get that. Some won't. You'll find out who is in your tribe.

    This will be the start of you not being on the same page about things. And it sucks but it's ok. It will be ok.

    Go grab that life!
    thanks for chiming in. What tipped you over the edge? Can I ask how you felt about and what you went through wrt breaking the attachment? It's like he is part of me!

  13. #40
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    Sorry earlier you said it's all your fault? Why is it all your fault,


 
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