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  1. #21
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    Oh yes sorry I didn't mean they wouldn't believe what I say. I mean it is unbelievable the way he acts at hime sometimes. We are both supposedly functional people...

    Also thanks for all your input. I don’t think I can see out of my situation right now and everyone else's I put helps.

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  3. #22
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    I read this and I can recognise some of the stages. Not sure what is happening here fits exactly though. I wonder how to maintain my dignity/sanity while staying here for the next year...

  4. #23
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    Default End of marriage? How did you know?

    I had this sort of thing and I was married for 14 years. My kids also primary aged. We lived o/s. I too enjoyed the "family" feel and also was very involved in church which added an extra layer of pressure to keep up the pretence of a "perfect family"

    Look, no family is perfect. But it is NOT normal or OK to intimidate or put down family members.

    My ex was hugely addicted to pornography. Through the the years he had set up online chats and tried to meet up with women. I know he met up for tennis with a pretty single work colleague, he texted prostitutes and intercepted messages. He denied ever going through with it but to this day I will never ever know and he was a big liar.


    He would raise his voice, psychologically overpower me decisions always had to be "his". He spent money like there was no tomorrow-on new shoes and clothes and comics and DVDs then say "we can never get ahead" and force me to work harder and earn more. When my career went well He would tease and belittle me. I was always the doting affectionate faithful wife. He never initiated sex and would always push me away.

    At work I befriended an old married man colleague and he could see what was happenening. He gave me new confidence and friendship at work which was so important.

    My breaking point was realising he just didn't love me. Not really. I moved bedrooms to start. He was very upset and I was scared.

    But sleeping separately gave me the head space I needed to start to "be me" again.

    I got him out of my head. I got him out of my bed. This was absolutely the best thing ever.

    I made a list in my journal of all the things I wanted to do to remember who I send to be. What I used to love. What would make me happy.

    I went and bought myself a digital piano (which he resented). And I played and played and sang. This was something I hadn't done since teenage years and it helped me so much.

    Next, one day two friends died on the SAME DAY. One was only 42 from ovarian cancer. It was a shock though we did expect it. She had been so full of life and in a very loving and respectful marriage

    The other friend died from a freak accident on the Gold Coast Dream World ride. He was gay, lived life to the full and didn't let anyone bring him down.

    Both these friends dying and their attitudes to life gave me the massive "aha" snap moment when I just KNeW I had to leave my toxic marriage.

    I didn't know if it would be Ok. I didn't know if the kids would cope. But I KNeW life was SHOrt and I had to leave.

    I'm 36 - I also feared starting again. I'd given him the "best" years apparently

    And let's face it, 14 years together your identity does get lost to a person like that

    I put an advert up on a dating website out of curiosity to see if I was indeed too old. And no I wasn't I had many many men get in touch. Many were just weirdos. But many were genuinely lonely and looking for company and were NoT weirdos. I struck up a friendship with a lovely single dad. We met for coffee and then lunches and dinners and he fell head over heels in love with me. Yes me! And he is simply lovely. Gentle. Faithful. Respectful. Also he had a past too - a former domestic violence victim from his ex!

    Fast forward to now and I am divorced. Did it myself online. Am SO SO SO happy and free.

    We worked through the custody and drama of selling and splitting assets.

    We finally agreed 50-50. He wanted more money! Even though I'd always worked! I threatened legal action and he backed right off.

    I told him to leave. It took several conversions and we went for walks around the block to have these tough talks so the kids couldn't see.

    When we both together told the kids they cried. He looked at me like it was all my fault but together we managed to tell them we both love them but we don't love each other anymore.

    I won't lie - working through stability issues for the kids hasn't been easy. But OH has it ever been worth it. Already I can see a new confidence in my daughter who was becoming so shy and submissive before. My son is being much kinder and more respectful to me and his sister because he realised that role modelling of how to treat women wasn't ok.

    Throughout the breakup I had he support of a wonderful counsellor who was wise and gentle. I couldn't have got to this point without him - I could vent safely and bawl my eyes out and be truthful. It was the best.

    I've learned that life is short. You're in charge of your happiness. You have the power to take back your happiness and identity. Life is full of possibilities. Your kids are resilient. You will be ok. And - true love is real. I thought I had it but it was broken and irretrievably lost. BUt I've found it again. And oh how it's beautiful to be loved by a good sincere man.

    There's my story - hope you get some courage and have your "aha" moment.
    Last edited by Mumofgreengables21; 06-05-2017 at 18:46.

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  6. #24
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    Thanks Mumofgreengables - funny thing is that my husband is not really controlling in many ways - not with money, I can do what I want there (But I'm not a crazy spender...) and if I want to go out by myself or with friends he doesn't care. I think what hurts as much as the abuse is the lack of care, the indifference. He is like that as well. No plan for the future, just wants to sit at his computer. And last weekend he got really angry and walked out of a restaurant we were in then told me he was so angry because of the person I am and that he hates that (the person I am).

    I feel I would miss him so much though.....why? I really don't know, I guess he's just part of me. I think we have taken the acceptance of one another too far - I have had to accept more about him than he has me. He doesn't accept me as I am I guess though - which is partially why he flies into a rage so much.

    I dread telling my kids...

  7. #25
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    You're unhealthily attached and your identity is in him. This is not good for you or him.

  8. #26
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    Definitely unhealthy in some ways - how is it that I got so comfortable with him - why am I comfortable in this arrangement but not happy? It's difficult to understand....anyone relate?

  9. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    Definitely unhealthy in some ways - how is it that I got so comfortable with him - why am I comfortable in this arrangement but not happy? It's difficult to understand....anyone relate?
    Yep I could write most of what you wrote in previous post. Not controlling in many aspects like financial but mostly just doesn't really care about me. I'm mum. As long as I play along and have no really strong opposing opinions all is ok. One minute I know I can't stay as even without the odd blow up style nastiness it's completely unhealthy to not be able to talk and next there's that comfort in the known and sometimes when I feel strong and we don't have any contentious issues I see his lack of empathy and emotional support like that's just him but he's part of my life, my family now so I just accept. Not sure that helps or is similar to what you feel. I also wonder if coming from a catholic country where no one ever divorced has influenced me too much? Like I've been happy to weather the ups and downs rather than give up but how do you really know when it's over? How much do we put up with before saying enough is enough?? Things are so complicated when kids are involved.

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  11. #28
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    I think you need to start planning now to get out while your away. Book your tickets just you and the kids. One way and don't ever go back. If he decided to leave you there and stay there permanently your life will be even worse then what it is now. Imagine never being able to come back to Australia again. If you leave it for 12 months and come back together you won't ever leave him at all. You'll just stay for kids.

    I have been in your shoes many many years ago to my exh. I was always thought how on earth am I going to live without him and you know what when he left before DS1 was born I started looking ahead. When ds was 6 months old I started doing things for myself not just my child, I went out made new friends both female and male. Online dating to meet people and chat aswell. I met some complete drop kick losers and some really great awesome guys. Some of became good friends with as there was no spark then I met my dp and we now have a little ds together.

    I always thought no one would want me I'm just washed up because you are made to feel that way. Become belittled, useless, unattactive, no one will want to associate with you. Its actually the opposite.

    Learning to become stronger and speak your mind are 2 keys things you will learn first

    But you need to get out sooner rather then later otherwise you could end up going off that balcony like warriena wright

  12. #29
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    Yes just him part of my life, totally. I just accept, we're family etc etc. Comfort in the known. This is me entirely. Exactly: Like I've been happy to weather the ups and downs rather than give up (I saw this as strong and something to aspire to) but how do you really know when it's over? I don't know either....Freyamum are you still married? Did you separate? (sorry I just 'caught up' with your post - I know you are still with him)
    Last edited by zoe1978; 06-05-2017 at 22:03. Reason: remembered something

  13. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    Yep I could write most of what you wrote in previous post. Not controlling in many aspects like financial but mostly just doesn't really care about me. I'm mum. As long as I play along and have no really strong opposing opinions all is ok. One minute I know I can't stay as even without the odd blow up style nastiness it's completely unhealthy to not be able to talk and next there's that comfort in the known and sometimes when I feel strong and we don't have any contentious issues I see his lack of empathy and emotional support like that's just him but he's part of my life, my family now so I just accept. Not sure that helps or is similar to what you feel. I also wonder if coming from a catholic country where no one ever divorced has influenced me too much? Like I've been happy to weather the ups and downs rather than give up but how do you really know when it's over? How much do we put up with before saying enough is enough?? Things are so complicated when kids are involved.

    I just found this quote:
    Tortured by the decision of whether to get divorced or not? Here's what's holding you up.

    Recently, a client told me she wanted to wait until she was sure she'd have no regrets about her decision whatsoever. I told her that's impossible. Why? Because it's impossible to hurt the people important to you and not have some lingering doubt about your decision. It's impossible to assign your kids the designation of being "from a broken home" and not have some lasting sadness.
    But here's the reality: that doesn't mean your decision to divorce is wrong. And although it's imperative to take your time making this decision, folks often get mired in time-wasting efforts that do nothing but delay the inevitable.

    I feel like I am delaying the inevitable sometimes....other times I am just confused....


 

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