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  1. #11
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    Maybe it will be easier with an end date? Just take this time as an opportunity to set yourself up later.

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  3. #12
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    I was thinking that way too. I am trying to set up so that there is enough money so he can move out. Also trying to set up with my health, job (at home, not here) and maintain contacts at home.

    We have a fb travel page with all of us on it - how awkward is that going to be if/when we do separate?

  4. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post
    Despite all this, when he is with the kids and not angry, he's a good father. They love him and he loves them.
    He is not a good father to your children because he is abusing their mother.

    The thing is nobody, no cousins even in my family have ever gotten divorced. I don't know how my family would take it. But I know that is a cowardly thing to be worried about.
    I was in a similar situation. Now years down the track, I wish I had of left years earlier.

    We have another year before we return to Toowooma, moving out is not an option here.

    Has anyone got advice/experience on how they cope? I am not sure if I will have the courage or will to leave when we return home. But how to cope in the interim. Has anyone ever lived with a partner for a year or more knowing that you will leave when you can?
    If you can stick it out until you move back to your home town, it may be a good thing as custody issues can get messy if you were to up an leave with the kids now. However, I am very concerned with the picture you have painted and your husbands behaviour. You need to be mindful of the fact that DV escalates over time. Statistics show that In 12 months from now, things will be probably be worse than they are now. For example you didn't leave when he spat in your face, or locked you outside, so you can expect those types of instances to increase in frequency. Next time he may not unlock the door so quickly. He pushed you today, next month it may progress to pushing you over.

    I was in a similar situation, staying until we moved to our home town. Then I was too scared to leave. Things got so much worse over time. In terms of coping, I barely did. I now have significant mental health issues as a direct result of everything my ex put me through. He knew I had mentally checked out of the marriage and ramped up the abuse. He started exhibiting stalker like behaviour and I got to the point of extreme paranoia.

    I would strongly suggest you get some professional advice and help from domestic violence counsellors and legal advice as well. The fact that you are overseas complicates things somewhat as if you were to up and leave and you are currently in a country that is a signatory to the Hague convention, your ex could claim you have kidnapped the kids and force you back.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 06-05-2017 at 11:48.

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  6. #14
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this.. I really feel for you

    A year together with an abusive partner is a very long time, especially for a child to live through. You say he is a good father, but he shouts abusive things at his children and behaves abhorrently toward you. Locking you on the balcony, that is extremely controlling, demeaning and abusive behaviour. This is what people do to dogs that have been peed on the carpet. And I'm sorry to say, he is treating you with about the same respect as he would an animal.

    I think you desperately need professional counselling. Not couples counselling, just counselling for yourself. You feel hopeless and scared, but you need someone to tell you that you are actually strong and brave and you have tonnes of options.

    Now just close your eyes and imagine a life where you leave work in the evening, pick children up from after school care, bring them home, order a takeaway dinner and laugh together in front of the TV before having a water fight in the bathroom and then kids go to bed, no one has screamed at anyone, no one has been called names or pushed around.. doesn't that sound nice?

    Now consider this - Putting what's best for your children aside for a moment, you want to have a social life and have an air of success. But this is what you Currently have and you seem desperately unhappy, and you worry about the wellbeing of your children, and you're scared.. so what's the use of social life / appearances of success and happiness? Wouldn't it be better to actually BE happy?

    And don't be ashamed of leaving your husband. He is the only one who should be ashamed. People will be proud of you for being brace enough to leave and to protect your kids.

    I really hope you see someone who can guide you to make the right decisions.

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  8. #15
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    Reading these replies I almost can't believe what has happened. Today he is calm and apparently rational - we are all going to a school thing for the kids. Last night he locked the balcony door so I couldn't get in (only for 30 seconds or so) and he was yelling at me and he called one of the kids an idiot. All of that is true, plus he grabbed me so I couldn't get away and he pushed me (not hard, but a definite push) and yelled in my face (and was so angry he was spitting while he did it). All of this is true, it actually happened. And yes, he has done this kind of thing before, pushed me, grabbed me so he could yell in my face. And the kids are sad about it. Not good.

    Nobody we know knows of this. If I do leave, I won't tell them either, well only my family maybe and close friends.

    I guess also with this wearing me down, my kids will be better with a less emotionally drawn mother who may be alone but not abused (mostly verbally, but otherwise as well).

    Witherwings is right - an outward appearance of 'success' (at least in my mind - the family, the friends, the holidays etc) is worth nothing if I am unhappy.

    Is it really a failure to divorce, even if there was no violence? Do people really think that? Clearly I have got that in my head somehow...

  9. #16
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    I think it would be beneficial if you read about the cycle of violence:
    http://www.bdvs.org.au/resource_file...-factsheet.pdf

    He is acting today as if nothing happened because he knows that if he continues abusing you, you will realise that you are in an abusive relationship. The pretending nothing happened is also a tool to confuse you as to what is going on.

    Please don't think he isn't violent. Grabbing, pushing and spitting are regarded as physical violence. Yelling in your face is intimidating behaviour and is another form of abuse. It doesn't matter that he only locked you outside for 30 seconds. It doesn't change the fact that he locked you outside.

    Don't worry about a good enough reason for divorce. Even without abuse the fact that someone is unhappy is a reason enough. Australia has no fault divorce. There doesn't need to be a reason.

    Oh and don't give a second thought to what other people think. It really isn't any of their business and if they judge you it says more about them than anything you have done.

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  11. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoe1978 View Post

    Last night he locked the balcony door so I couldn't get in, he was yelling at me and he called one of the kids an idiot.

    he grabbed me so I couldn't get away

    and he pushed me

    and yelled in my face so angry he was spitting while he did it

    he has done this kind of thing before,

    pushed me, grabbed me so he could yell in my face.

    the kids are sad about it.

    Nobody we know knows of this. I won't tell them either.

    Is it really a failure to divorce,

    even if there was no violence?

    All of that is true

    All of that is true

    All of that is true
    Okay, these are your words.

    Can you tell me there is no violence?

    These are your words only in this last post.

    Heavily edited but still your words.

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  13. #18
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    Default End of marriage? How did you know?

    He locked you on the balcony but it was only for 30 seconds

    The first thing that came into my head was the gable tostee murder trial

    Have a read of any news article relating to him and then tell us he isn't abusing you

    In 2015 you want to leave ? So why didn't you then. And now you have proceeded to move overseas for him. What happens if he doesn't want to come home and continue to stay where ever it is you guys are at.
    Last edited by babybeeno1; 06-05-2017 at 15:10.

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  15. #19
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    Gosh this is really confronting. Yes I agree he is abusing me - for sure. We spoke about it earlier and he hasn't apologised - we were out walking with the kids and he didn't want to hear how upset and angry I am. He did point out that the last time he did this it was approx 6 months ago (I did say earlier it was monthly or weekly). We fight about monthly or weekly and he gets angry about that often - but nothing like this kind of abuse - the last time that was was around 6 months ago. He says I am exaggerating about this being domestic violence.

    If he doesnt' want to leave his o/s post in a years' time I am going anyway - that is for sure!

    I didn't leave before because I wasn't strong enough - too scared and I want to keep the family together - but now I think its' not worth it. Now is not the time though - far too disruptive to the kids for me to move out in a foreign country.

    The thing is nobody would believe how he can act...he goes to flashpoint with me so quickly.

  16. #20
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    you can't justify his behaviour and not leaving because nobody would believe it. i'm fairly sure your support network would believe you. nobody makes up their husband is abusive for starters. just because he's not a stereotypical "abusive husband" does not mean he isn't capable of it.

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