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  1. #31
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    Default Been told girl at 20 week scan wanting a boy

    Quote Originally Posted by Butterfly Baby View Post
    Seriously people on this site have 13 attempts and can't have a child ...I have so many friends who would be happy with 1 baby not 4 and then not happy because of gender inequality. I am pretty fixed on this as have spoken to too many women who have 3 girls but want a boy and have 4 boys but want a girl...I just think it's wrong. Be thankful and happy. ..
    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    The point buttery baby was raising is a valid one. You might sit from your "lofty tower" and say I wish I had a boy/girl woh is me if you don't get what you want. There are other people out there spending thousands of dollars to get one baby. Any baby. So to call anyone that comes from it from that angle is self righteous is disgusting.
    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    Calling people judgemental and self righteous when they speak about infertility is not helpful either. There is no need for it. It's because people in those shoes can't quite fathom the gender disappointment "issue".

    God have some compassion and don't call other women judgemental and self righteous when they say any baby is a blessing because it is!
    Honestly ladies, you speak about having some compassion or being grateful. Just stop. You are being incredibly insensitive. One, like OP has already clarified, she was just asking a question which does not equate to her not being grateful for her baby or that she will not love it.

    Two, your comments and continued ones are actually quite hurtful to those of us who have experienced real gender disappointment. People experiencing infertility do not have the monopoly on **** or painful experiences in the quest to have a baby.

    During our first pregnancy I had horrible antenatal depression compounded by having a falling out with my mom and sisters. I said to DH that I hoped the baby wasn't a girl if the drama that was going on in my life is what it meant to have a girl. At 20 weeks my baby was born stillborn and guess what, it was a tiny, precious baby girl. I have battled for almost five years now that it was 'my fault.' That she felt I didn't love her.

    During my pregnancy with Ds1 I desperately wanted him to be a girl, not because she would be a replacement but because she would be a tiny glimpse into the daughter we had lost. At 16 weeks we found out it was a boy and I needed to grieve the loss of opportunity of having another daughter. He is now 3 and makes my heart melt.

    At 16 weeks with ds2 we were told it was a boy after being told girl at 12 weeks. Again heartbroken because this would be my last opportunity to have another daughter. He is now 11 months and I am totally in love with him but I definitely still grieve the loss of my daughter and that I will never know what it is like to have a girl.

    Comments like yours are so hurtful. So much guilt already comes with gender disappointment. We know we should be 'grateful' for having a baby but having gender disappointment does not equate to not being grateful or not loving the baby we do have. What comments like yours do do is make women going through it feel like we have to hide everything we are feeling and thinking so that others don't think we are bad people, this increases our risk of pre and post natal depression and also interferes with us bonding with the baby we do have because we do not get the opportunity to talk through how we are feeling. A little compassion goes a long way.
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 03-05-2017 at 16:30.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    You must have had more than a "slight preference" if it took you a few weeks, several conversations and a whole mindset change before you could even look forward to having your girl.

    Just making the point that people should try being in other people's shoes before they say they are sitting in their lofty towers judging others as it was put
    Shouldn't others also do the same before saying somebody is ungrateful?

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  5. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    Honestly ladies, you speak about having some compassion or being grateful. Just stop. You are being incredibly insensitive. One, like OP has already clarified, she was just asking a question which does not equate to her not being grateful for her baby or that she will not love it.

    Two, your comments and continued ones are actually quite hurtful to those of us who have experienced real gender disappointment. People experiencing infertility do not have the monopoly on **** or painful experiences in the quest to have a baby.

    During our first pregnancy I had horrible antenatal depression compounded by having a falling out with my mom and sisters. I said to DH that I hoped the baby wasn't a girl if the drama that was going on in my life is what it meant to have a girl. At 20 weeks my baby was born stillborn and guess what, it was a tiny, precious baby girl. I have battled for almost five years not that it was 'my fault.' That she felt I didn't love her.

    During my pregnancy with Ds1 I desperately wanted him to be a girl, not because she would be a replacement but because she would be a tiny glimpse into the daughter we had lost. At 16 weeks we found out it was a boy and I needed to grieve the loss of opportunity of having another daughter. He is now 3 and makes my heart melt.

    At 16 weeks with ds2 we were told it was a boy after being told girl at 12 weeks. Again heartbroken because this would be my last opportunity to have another daughter. He is now 11 months and I am totally in love with him but I definitely still grieve the loss of my daughter and that I will never know what it is like to have a girl.

    Comments like yours are so hurtful. So much guilt already comes with gender disappointment. We know we should be 'grateful' for having a baby but having gender disappointment does not equate to not being grateful or not loving the baby we do have. What comments like yours do do is make women going through it feel like we have to hide everything we are feeling and thinking so that others don't think we are bad people, this increases our risk of pre and post natal depression and also interferes with us bonding with the baby we do have because we do not get the opportunity to talk through how we are feeling. A little compassion goes a long way.
    Why would you not quote Gentoo' rude post too? Or is that acceptable because she agrees with you? That's the only reason I wrote anything. I think that it was totally uncalled for

  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    Calling people judgemental and self righteous when they speak about infertility is not helpful either. There is no need for it. It's because people in those shoes can't quite fathom the gender disappointment "issue".
    !
    There's a difference between not being able to fathom why someone has a problem and not feeling they have the right to their emotions which is what some seemed to be saying.

    If you (collective) cant fathom gender disappointment, then just move on. You have nothing to add so move to a thread where you can add something. It's not like the OP went in to the LTTTC section and complained. She didn't say she'd rather no baby at all if she couldn't have a boy. She was not insensitive to anyone but people were definitely insensitive to her and others in her situation.

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  8. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    Why would you not quote Gentoo' rude post too? Or is that acceptable because she agrees with you? That's the only reason I wrote anything. I think that it was totally uncalled for
    I actually didn't read it, just waking up sorry.

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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    Why would you not quote Gentoo' rude post too? Or is that acceptable because she agrees with you? That's the only reason I wrote anything. I think that it was totally uncalled for
    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    I actually didn't read it, just waking up sorry.
    Just went back. Actually had read it and thought they were well thought out responses and compassionate. And no not just because she agreed with me.

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  11. #37
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    FWIW, I don't think my post was rude - and certainly less so than the comment which precipitated it. I thought that I was simply pointing out that blanket statements about how anyone suffering gender disappointment should just get over it and stop being ungrateful fails to acknowledge that it is a real and perfectly valid feeling. It is a view that I've heard expressed by some people with children, in which case I think that yes, it can be self-righteous in tone.

    @magicmashie, if you or someone close to you are suffering from infertility then I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I imagine that it is a horrible feeling to want a child and not have one. Perhaps a thread about gender disappointment is not a good place to hang out at the moment. If you are TTC, then I wish you the best in your future journey.
    Last edited by Gentoo; 03-05-2017 at 16:21.

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    @HollyGolightly81 hugs xx what you wrote about what you went through made me cry

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    Quote Originally Posted by Molros View Post
    @HollyGolightly81 hugs xx what you wrote about what you went through made me cry
    Me too, @HollyGolightly81, i had a sniff on the bus. What an awful thing to happen. Hugs for you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mama Mirabelle View Post
    The only reason I asked OP if there was any reason she particularly wanted a boy is to see if she was coming from the perspective of already having girls and wanting a boy as I have some experience in that area and could offer more specific advice. I didn't mean it to come across as judgmental. As I said gender disappointment is a real thing and everyone is entitle to experience their own feelings and emotions. I didn't see anyone saying there's anything wrong with having boys. Can't a person express their happiness at having only girls without that being interpreted as having a dig at boys? Yes there have been some offensive things said in this thread but I don't think PinkPrint or I have said anything remotely offensive.
    Sorry I wasn't referring to your comment, I had PinkPrints comment in mind when I wrote about wanting another girl after already having girls. I agree I don't think you or PinkPrint said anything offensive either, not at all. Apologies if my response read like that. Of course you can express happiness at only having girls, it's great you feel totally satisfied with your gender mix. I was referring to another posters comment that intimated that you have to be happy with whatever you get because others are struggling with infertility. That was the main influencer on my response.

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