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  1. #1
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    Default Having a tough time with the dad... Does it get any easier?

    Hi all, Long time listener first time poster. I'm hoping for some advice.
    Recently got married earlier this year, and fell pregnant very quickly (yay for me) which all is good except for the lead of fights and issues I'm having right now with the Dad.

    Firstly, my dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly afew years back and once I found out we were having a boy I really wanted to give our son my dads name as the middle name - spoke to the husband (i.e the dad) and he said no. He has this tradition of his middle name is the same as his dads middle name and so on, wants our son to have his middle name too.. The reason for wanting my dad's name for the middle name, is that a part of my dad can live on... and he doesn't get it. Theres simply no compromise or movement, and everytime this gets discussed it turns into a major fight. The answer is he won't have two middle names, and if we can't decide there will be no middle name at all... which I felt was extremely insensitive and rude and mean..

    Secondly, we are still saving for a house and doesn't help that I am a uni student finishing off my bachelor, he won't make room at his parents house for our son's stuff and he hasn't helped much at all in terms of staying over move often or moving in, which was what I wanted our house has so much more space and a designated area for the child - but nope he won't move in. Keeps making excuses, and partly I feel that his parents somehow guilt him into staying so he won't leave them.

    Thirdly, the final straw hit today when pram shopping. He wanted the fancy high tech pram (that looks good, etc) but the stupid thing is not easy to get in my tiny small car, and he cares about what people will think if we don't have a particular branded pram. Personally I found a much smaller and easier (very easy) pram which leaves me boot space... but he won't get it because of the fact it looks cheap and not a "brand".
    On top of that, I tried agreeing on the pram he wanted but we couldn't get the thing to compact at all and it was hard.. How the hell am I going to deal with a 30kg pram (exaggeration but you know what I mean) with a screaming child, with no boot space....???
    So after we walked out of the store, he turns around and just tells me you buy whatever you want, and I'll buy whatever I want so we'll just have two sets of everything (even though he is the main income earner.. and he knows very well I can't afford to buy it all).

    So I am frustrated, upset, and not in a good place right now. I need some advice or thoughts so I can process my next move.. Does it get any easier? Do prams really bring out the worst in people?? or is that what having a baby and being married to someone is supposed to be like..

  2. #2
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    Sorry you are having such a bad time. Does he really want to be married? Would he do any kind of councelling? Having a baby adds more stress, better to figure out whether things are going to work before having the baby. Take care!

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    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like the two of you really need some help learning how to resolve your differences respectfully, or this is only going to get worse. You need to be able to disagree and figure out a solution without hurting such other on a daily basis.

    I'd highly recommend relationship counseling - that could help with figuring out where you both stand, and how to work together. All the best.

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    i'm a little confused, you say you're married but that he's still living at his parents place? why is he hesitant to move in with you?

    sorry you're going through this. things should not be like this. once the baby arrives, things will get tougher. i second the above suggestions about getting counseling and trying to get onto the same page. he sounds controlling and rigid however, so you may find unless he's willing to meet you in the middle, it might be like this with him always.

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    Unfortunately if this is what it's like now , it is likely to be 1000x worse when bub comes. Babies can be a massive strain on relationships. I would be having some serious discussions and possibly counselling before bub arrives and I'd be questioning if your partner is the kind of dad you want for your child.

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    Did you discuss where you would live before you got married?
    It seems a very odd situation that you're newlyweds - can't have been married for more than 4 months if it happened earlier this year - yet you're living apart.
    You say "our house" where you are currently living. But then say you're saving for a house? Who do you live with now? Are you with your parents? Housemates? Is this why he won't move in?
    The whole situation sounds very complicated.
    Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I can't help but wonder why you didn't have some of these discussions before a) getting married and b) getting pregnant.

    As for the name of your child - do you know your baby is a boy? Again you can't be more than 3-4 months along. Have you had gender confirmed? If not, you may be arguing about names unnecessarily?
    If bub is a boy - can you give the baby your dad's name as a first name and your husband's middle name as bub's middle name? Will that satisfy both of you? Or possibly a variation on that idea.

    Why would your husband suggest you each buy what you want so that there's two sets of everything? Are you separated? It makes no sense.

    Agree that you need relationship counselling because IMO some of these things (pram, middle name) are likely to be some of the most insignificant trivial things you could argue about when you consider the bigger picture. Babies can be hard. Marriage can be hard. This is supposed to be a happy time.
    Get some professional help before too long

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    to give some perspective: my dh is an angel 99% of the time and there've been times since ds was born that i thought i might kill him/get a divorce. it's HARD with a bub. get sh!t sorted now if you can.

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  12. #8
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    Im confused about the house bit.

    It sounds like you both need to learn to compromise more.

    Can the kid have two middle names?
    Fighting over the pram.. there are so many prams and brands out there.. surely you can find a happy medium.. perhaps a pram that is smaller more compact but also a brand name if that is important to him.

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    How does he even know what a brand name pram is?

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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    to give some perspective: my dh is an angel 99% of the time and there've been times since ds was born that i thought i might kill him/get a divorce. it's HARD with a bub. get sh!t sorted now if you can.
    I know I have a pretty awesome husband, but the amount I've times I've mentioned divorce the past 11 months is pretty embarrassing!

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