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  1. #1
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    Default Family advice - WWYD?

    Hi all, I'm new on here but love reading through the forums to get little snippets of information, so helpful! My (29) DH (31) and I are currently 22 weeks pregnant with twins; our first children and just looking for some advice re difficult family members.

    I've never been close with my family; mum and dad are divorced and live in seperate states. I moved out the day I finished school and haven't looked back. Brother and his fiancée live about an hour away but we only see them when one of my parents is visiting (a couple of times a year max). Both my parents have made it clear they are not interested in grandchildren so when we told them we were expecting, we didn't expect an overjoyed reaction. We told them at 13 weeks and led them to believe we were only pregnant with one as dropping twins into it would have been even harder for them. Dad - 'oh'. Change topic (not bad). Mum - 'I've been dreading this day'. Brother (31) his fiancée (25) - '**** you both, we've been trying and I should have been first because I'm older'. Background; my brother lives in an apartment paid for by my dad, works part time and has severe mental health issues + a drug/alcohol addiction so probably not great prospective parents.

    I just saw my dad and brother for a few hours and asked them why they are behaving the way they are especially considering in my dads circle of friends, a few have just become first time grandparents and are loving it. I mean, with ours, it's not as if they'll even see them often and we definitely wouldn't be asking them to babysit etc. Dad said he was a) upset for my brother because he thinks he should have had the first grandchild and b) he doesn't think of them as people yet because 'well, they might still die' WTF?!? Spoke to mum recently too and she told me she's taking a month off work when the babies are born (wait, whaaaat?). Then she tells me its to go on a cruise with her friends and their itinerary won't line up with where we live so she'll try to meet them when they're a bit older.

    Sorry for the long post, just wondering WWYD? Would you just cut your losses and stop trying to involve them or keep trying for the twins sake? TIA

  2. #2
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    Default Family advice - WWYD?

    Oh, they sound awful! Sorry you have to go through this. It's a wonderful time, I take it your husband's family are much better?

    I'd cut my losses, you don't need that. I cut my mother off ten years ago and it was a good decision and I won't change it. She chose my stepfather over me when I was a teenager and kicked me out at 16. Then, she said she had made a mistake, left him (because once I was gone, he was a douche to her and she could handle it when it was directed at me, but not her) and six months later begged me to move back in. I was struggling so I did. Then he moved back in two weeks later and gave me three days to move out.

    The relationship didn't last and she wants me to talk to her again and complains to family saying that I'm horrible and I "moved out of home without telling her" (all those years ago) and all that crap, always uses it to get attention. I'm pregnant now (7w) and won't be telling her. She will find out through my aunt but she won't have anything to do with her grandchildren. There's more to the story than that, eg: I was in a relationship before my husband for 2.5 years, once we broke up she sent me a text message saying I'm a horrible person and no man will ever love me again. I've decided I just don't need that poison in my life and I haven't looked back. You have two beautiful children on the way, you're a great age for having children, you have a secure relationship, there's no reason this shouldn't be a celebration and if they're like this I don't think they'll change.
    Last edited by Hetty; 25-04-2017 at 06:58.

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    Thanks @Hetty, I think in the back of my mind cutting them has been the next logical step but we're ingrained for this 'blood is thicker than water' crap so I was still struggling.

    I'm so sorry to hear about what your mum has put you through; definitely better off without her!! I struggled as a teen seeing my mum in new relationships because she changed so much and I was always put last (hence the leaving) so I really do feel for you

    My DH's family are wonderful; unfortunately his parents have both passed away (taken far too young) but his siblings are the best thing since sliced bread and so supportive so I think we'll just cocoon our babies in love from them

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    They sound like horrible people. I'm sorry they don't share the joy of your pregnancy. Their reactions to it are awful!

    I would definitely cut my losses. I wouldn't make a big song and dance about I would simply just stop contacting them and trying to include them.
    You are about to have your hands so full with 2 little bundles. You don't need that negativity in your life. Embrace your DH's siblings as your family. They sound like they will be there for you in times of need

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    I'm definitely not a fan of the blood is thicker than water thought.

    People need to earn respect, and need to deserve your love and attention.

    I believe that if you would cut a friend out of your life for being a particular way, then you should do the same for family.

    I think your idea of cocooning in the love of your DH family is a great one, it will give the bubs a great example of how to act.

    Letting the crazy of your family into their life sends a very mixed message about how you can treat your family.

    Good luck!

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    Thanks all, I've slowly been tapering down contact for years but have jumped through hoops at all the big events to make sure we're still involved (which is costly financially and emotionally). I think I'll just scale back the contact further and if they want to come to me then we'll discuss that in future xx

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    They've shown no interest or care in your life and been openly hostile about you having babies. What motivation is there to keep them in your life? They have shown you how they feel, they have repeatedly hurt you - this won't change. I think you have your answer.
    My DH cut his mum off about 15 years ago. He's had zero contact ever since and we live in a different country. He has no regrets about this decision and feels nothing towards her.
    I agree with PP who said if you wouldn't let a friend or stranger treat you that way why accept it from those closest to you who are meant to love and support you?
    It doesn't sound like they have any interest in your babies and won't foster a positive relationship with them so they won't be losing anything by cutting off the relationship now.
    Good luck I have a feeling you'll feel quite liberated and free when you remove their hostility from your life!

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    I had a similar family situation. I cut and run 16 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Occasionally I feel sad especially when I see other parents with grandparents in tow, especially at kids swimming lessons, and sad that my kids cant have that.

    I would just focus on your own lives, on your own little family, and just stop contacting them. It is hard, there is a bit of guilt involved, and it is a bit sad that they wont be the grandparents you imagine everyone else has (but many people dont) but fast forward ten years and you'll be so glad you got out of the drama.

    Really, what are the twins losing? They were never going to be doting grandparents.

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    Just to give you a different perspective, I didn't talk to my mother for around 6 years (very long story).

    She found out I was in hospital having my first baby through family and turned up on the second or third day. I wasn't thrilled but i just played polite etc. We then slowly repaired our relationship through that baby and then my second two years later. She made a massive effort and while we never really "resolved" past issues we moved on. My kids love her and she loves them and I'm really glad.

    Of course this may not happen in your case but just some food for thought. Personally, I would do as previously suggested just don't go out of your way to contact them and leave it up to them.

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  14. #10
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    yep - exactly as Foxy said - I would essentially not do anything to go out of your way to include them or do anything for them ... but I wouldnt burn bridges behind you either.

    It is hard - especially when its something so inherently important in your life as having children - and having your family around to help would be great. But it sounds like that isnt going to happen anyway, even if they werent compete a*******s ... so just leave them to live their own life and you live yours.

    One day, if they want to make it up to you and be involved, you can decide what it will take to repair the damage they have done. Until then - enjoy and be happy without them



 

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