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  1. #1
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    Jun 2006
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    Default When the victim becomes the bully

    My son had been systematically bullied at school for 2 to 3 years. The school handled it I believe extremely poorly and basically put the onus back on DS to dob in the bully. It got bad enough he spent most of last year seeing a counsellor outside the school.

    This year it started again and DS snapped and kicked another child in the groin. The parent emailed the school and put in an complaint. I wasn't aware - I knew a discussion in the class with the boys occurred regarding kicking in the groin but I wasn't aware it was aimed at my DS.

    A few weeks later this kid and his mate started mouthing off at DS; he told them to stop they didn't, he ran off and they followed him continuing. DS made a bad choice and kicked the kid again - cue another email from the parent.

    DS was made to do a reflection sheet regarding his behaviour and of course didn't take much accountability as he feels like he retaliated out frustration. He then got taken to the principals office and told to stop blaming others and stand up and take the blame.

    I got asked to meet with his teacher - fair enough he can't kick kids. Get into the meeting and 5 mins in the student wellbeing coordinator joined us.

    She has well and truly labelled my son bully. She nor his teacher had been made aware of the hideous year he had last year so I tried to fill them in. She then told me bullying is a learned behaviour to which I pointed out he has learnt from this school and their systematic failure to do anything about it.

    He went on camp and was moved away from all his friends under the guise of making new ones but they all play together anyway. DS had to sit outside the office for recess and lunch because one of the kids joined the group he was playing with and apparently DS should have left. He has hardly any friends as it is.

    The new term is about to start and I feel anxious about it. I know he did the wrong thing by kicking but I also know the he'll of a year he had last year and am nervous about what is happening. Did he really defend himself or has he joined the bullying to deflect.

    Sorry long post but needed to get my thoughts out.

  2. #2
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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    You and your son are living out a nightmare, I really feel for you the school has failed in their duty of care to your son. I wonder if they went to such lengths with the other children who did the bullying before, to separate them from other children and have various meetings and reflection statements..?

    It really doesn't seem fair, and it's a difficult position for you and your son to be in.

    Lots of things would be going through my mind in this situation. On the one hand, I would want my son to stand up for himself and not let other people intimidate him. But I wouldn't want my son to be violent. If that violence doesn't get stamped out now it could lead to lots of problems for him as a young adult and beyond.

    He needs to learn that there are other ways to stand up for himself, that words are far more powerful, and he needs to get his anger under control. Having said that, I would be furious with the school and don't blame him for feeling like this is the only solution, seeing as he suffered for so long and in his mind, no one in the school did anything about it.

    Is changing schools an option for you?

    I would be considering a change of school and some sort of anger management program, or maybe a mindfulness course, meditation, breathing exercises, positive affirmations, something to help him keep his anger and anxiety under control. I would also suggest he goes back to counselling.

    Good luck and big hugs!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
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    I agree with @witherwings ' approach. I'd be encouraging him to find other means of dealig with his anger. In saying that, I know that my DD would react in a similar way if she was being harrassed and they followed her

    I'd also be asking the school how they plan on dealing with the bullying that your DS is being subject to. What sort of action plans are being put in place to protect his wellbeing. Although it sounds like the school is brushing it off tbh.

    Big hugs - this is such a difficult situation and I really dont know how I'd cope or handle it

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