ADVERTISEMENT

+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 33
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    23,362
    Thanks
    6,426
    Thanked
    17,957
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenavieve2013 View Post

    He has seeked help for it, the addictions and is still fragile. So he can brush it off by saying it's making him feel like a drink.
    That's emotional blackmail to try to shut discussion around this topic down. Life is full of stressors, part of recovery is being able to develop coping mechanisms. not blame his wife for raising extremely valid issues.

    The thing here though, is that the real issue here isn't even the debt, that's just the symptom of the problem. It's how self absorbed and entitled he is. That there is the reason he has created and not paid back the debt. Why he didn't pay CS. That's the real thing needing to be addressed. I still say - run like a dog shot in the butt from this guy.
    Last edited by delirium; 12-04-2017 at 18:43.

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    gingermillie  (12-04-2017),Mod-Wise Enough  (12-04-2017)

  3. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    8,996
    Thanks
    5,896
    Thanked
    5,638
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    i think you're wasting your time. if getting his sh!t together for his family isn't enough, in addition to atoning for his previous misdemeanors, then i don't think there's much else you can do to motivate him.

    extrinsic motivation rarely works. if it's not coming from within him, then i think you're wasting you're time

  4. #23
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,865
    Thanks
    1,875
    Thanked
    2,669
    Reviews
    6
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    So when you say he's a good parent, what do you mean? Because from what you've said so far he has never supported them financially, was largely absent for a number of years, refuses to pay attention to professionals who are trying help your son, and is far from setting a positive example of what a good partner and father looks like.

    I get that it's emotional, and you believe you love each other, but I'd be asking myself if he really wants a life with you and the kids or if he's using you as a safety net.

    You cannot convince him to change what sounds like some pretty fundamental character traits. What happens when he gets you both further into debt, turns back to his old habits and disappears?

  5. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Cue For This Useful Post:

    DT75  (12-04-2017),gingermillie  (12-04-2017),JustJaq  (12-04-2017),MissMuppet  (12-04-2017),smallpotatoes  (13-04-2017)

  6. #24
    TheGooch's Avatar
    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
    Winner 2016 BubHubs DIVA Award
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    5,312
    Thanks
    9,577
    Thanked
    5,071
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    I think you both need some support - together AND separately.
    You've mentioned you've suffered, now he should suffer to make it right.
    And that you have the upper hand.
    And then he says it makes him feel like having a drink.
    It doesn't sound like either of you are approaching this as a loving, respectful or equal relationship.
    There's unresolved issues and until those are addressed, I'm not sure how you can move forward.
    Is he a great dad if he hasn't provided for his kids when he could?
    Is he a great dad if he isn't role modelling responsibility for his kids by paying back his debts?
    Yes he was impaired by alcohol and drug issues - but drugs and alcohol didn't turn him into a selfish, irresponsible douche. Some of that must have already been part of him.
    You can't motivate him. He has to do this for himself. He has to find ways to stay strong and avoid alcohol, in the face of life's challenges.
    It's possible you want him to become something that he just isn't going to.
    Other than he's fun, what do you like about this man? I know you say you love him, but why? What do you love about him? Because you haven't said anything positive about him. I'm struggling to understand why you want to be with him?

  7. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to TheGooch For This Useful Post:

    BabyG4  (13-04-2017),gingermillie  (12-04-2017),HillDweller  (12-04-2017),MissMuppet  (12-04-2017)

  8. #25
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    14
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    1
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by TheGooch View Post
    I think you both need some support - together AND separately.
    You've mentioned you've suffered, now he should suffer to make it right.
    And that you have the upper hand.
    And then he says it makes him feel like having a drink.
    It doesn't sound like either of you are approaching this as a loving, respectful or equal relationship.
    There's unresolved issues and until those are addressed, I'm not sure how you can move forward.
    Is he a great dad if he hasn't provided for his kids when he could?
    Is he a great dad if he isn't role modelling responsibility for his kids by paying back his debts?
    Yes he was impaired by alcohol and drug issues - but drugs and alcohol didn't turn him into a selfish, irresponsible douche. Some of that must have already been part of him.
    You can't motivate him. He has to do this for himself. He has to find ways to stay strong and avoid alcohol, in the face of life's challenges.
    It's possible you want him to become something that he just isn't going to.
    Other than he's fun, what do you like about this man? I know you say you love him, but why? What do you love about him? Because you haven't said anything positive about him. I'm struggling to understand why you want to be with him?
    Come home to
    the house all clean, foot massages, his take on my duties of mowing, cleaning the dogs on occasion, fixing things. When he does work he can pay his way, he can see if i'm in pain (pretty much every day) and help me out, takes my son out for walks in the morning because he likes to walk but I can't walk as far or as quick as him.

    He will play for hours with the kids, pat them to sleep. Concerned when there sick or hurt. Invests interest in my activities like puzzles, pets, gardening, craft. We have movie nights, date nights,

    He can pay them back but takes way too long. They will eventually be paid back but like other have said if he wasn't encouraged to he wouldn't.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Jenavieve2013 For This Useful Post:

    MissMuppet  (12-04-2017)

  10. #26
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    14
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    1
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    That's emotional blackmail to try to shut discussion around this topic down. Life is full of stressors, part of recovery is being able to develop coping mechanisms. not blame his wife for raising extremely valid issues.

    The thing here though, is that the real issue here isn't even the debt, that's just the symptom of the problem. It's how self absorbed and entitled he is. That there is the reason he has created and not paid back the debt. Why he didn't pay CS. That's the real thing needing to be addressed. I still say - run like a dog shot in the butt from this guy.
    It's not gone straight to me being a cow about it, I made sure he would help pay it back, he has been completely honest with the drugs and where his money went and times he could of paid me back. It's the reaccuring issue of "I want to buy protein powder" then me saying we'll do we need it, can we get it next pay, what will suffer if we do get the powder we don't need, can we pay it off, finally I give we get it, then we "need" a new 42" or more TV. Because he wants one. We should just go out and spend $90 like we did today on clothes that we could of bought half now half later so we didn't go without paying someone something.

  11. #27
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    14
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    1
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Cue View Post
    So when you say he's a good parent, what do you mean? Because from what you've said so far he has never supported them financially, was largely absent for a number of years, refuses to pay attention to professionals who are trying help your son, and is far from setting a positive example of what a good partner and father looks like.

    I get that it's emotional, and you believe you love each other, but I'd be asking myself if he really wants a life with you and the kids or if he's using you as a safety net.

    You cannot convince him to change what sounds like some pretty fundamental character traits. What happens when he gets you both further into debt, turns back to his old habits and disappears?
    His not a good role model. As a friend the kids can play with his great. If we could have a resume for our life his would be questionable, small and sh!t.
    I want him to understand what a good role model is but he hasn't really ever had one. He thinks a good worker makes a good man. Trying to get him to understand what I and the family need as a good man.

  12. #28
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    8,996
    Thanks
    5,896
    Thanked
    5,638
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenavieve2013 View Post
    Come home to
    the house all clean, foot massages, his take on my duties of mowing, cleaning the dogs on occasion, fixing things. When he does work he can pay his way, he can see if i'm in pain (pretty much every day) and help me out, takes my son out for walks in the morning because he likes to walk but I can't walk as far or as quick as him.

    He will play for hours with the kids, pat them to sleep. Concerned when there sick or hurt. Invests interest in my activities like puzzles, pets, gardening, craft. We have movie nights, date nights,

    He can pay them back but takes way too long. They will eventually be paid back but like other have said if he wasn't encouraged to he wouldn't.
    everything you've described sounds like most other guys. that's just normal behaviour. oh so he's not cutting up small animals for fun therefore he's a fun/cool guy? get real!!

    a real man provides for his family. you're dating an overgrown child.

  13. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to turquoisecoast For This Useful Post:

    Renn  (12-04-2017),TheGooch  (12-04-2017)

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    6,733
    Thanks
    1,225
    Thanked
    3,243
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Sounds like a real catch and you are so lucky to have him back

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to lilypily For This Useful Post:

    turquoisecoast  (13-04-2017)

  16. #30
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    5,591
    Thanks
    4,670
    Thanked
    4,804
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    In answer to your question as to how you can get a better life for yourself... you need to do it yourself. He will only drag you down. You either ditch him or take complete control of the finances and give him an allowance, and once it's gone it's gone. No arguments.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Is there such a thing as too much sleep?
    By emsandolivia in forum General Sleeping & Settling Chat
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 01-09-2006, 20:47
  2. Too much of a good thing?
    By Alatariel in forum Conception issues & ttc
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 09-08-2006, 18:22
  3. Bad Nappy Hunt - Makes Me Spend Too Much Money!!!
    By WeloveHarriet in forum General area
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 18-05-2006, 06:38

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

FEATURED SUPPORTER
Innovations Sports PhysiotherapyWomen’s Health Physios who are able to assess and treat a wide range of Pregnancy and Post Natal Issues. We offer ...
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›

ADVERTISEMENT