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  1. #1
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    Default What is reasonable?

    My wife and I cannot agree on who should be getting up in the night to give our 5 month old boy his bottle and also who should be up with both of our boys on the weekend. I am very interested to hear some views from the outside world, so here is the situation.
    I leave home at 6.30am and return from work at approximately 6.30pm, Monday to Saturday, Sunday is my day off. My work week is a minimum of 70 hours per week, I have been doing this for the last 3 years without holidays as we have our own small business. I am a butcher so I am on my feet all day.
    We have 2 beautiful boys, 2 years 4 months and 5 months.
    Since 2 days before the due date for our 2nd child, our eldest boy decided that he would not sleep in his bed anymore. A long story short I have been sleeping in the spare room since then and he comes and gets in with me during the night. This allowed for mum and Bub to be together in the main bedroom. It's still happening now 5 months later although recently I have had a couple of nights were he hasn't come in. The youngest one is now sleeping in his cot in his room, he wakes once or twice a night for a bottle.
    Our eldest boy goes to daycare twice a week for the whole day, at the moment my wife doesn't work and is a full time mum.
    Now, at the end of the week I like to sleep in to 9am on the Sunday to get some rest as I spent my week on my feet often doing 8 hours without sitting down. My wife is also very tired as she is raising 2 boys and wants me to get up with the boys at 6am every second week. She would also like me to share getting up during the night to feed our youngest boy.
    What is reasonable? Thoughts pls

  2. #2
    hakuna matata's Avatar
    hakuna matata is online now The artist formerly know as babyhopeful
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    Help your wife. My husband does 12 hour shifts and has never once questioned getting up in the night or giving me a sleep in.

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    You both work what can be regarded as "full time plus". You're both exhausted. I think sharing the work and the sleep ins is quite reasonable.

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    Default What is reasonable?

    Gosh I'm exhausted for the BOTH of you just reading this!

    My dh is gone fur work 545am-630pm 5 days a week.

    I let him sleep in every weekend and I also deal with night wakings. Very rarely when I'm at breaking point or it's my birthday or whatever he'll let me sleep in. The way I figured there was no point to both of us being tired and miserable, we needed at least one functioning parent in the household, and dh just was such a bloody sook without sleep it honestly wasn't worth asking him to help.
    When he does wake though I can head to bed and he takes over. I also have a LONG nap on weekends.

    HOWEVER- a lot of women won't put up with that. And I began to harbour a lot of resentment towards my husband (I still do sometimes). And I was close to having a breakdown with exhaustion when dd2 was little. So it's up to you (and the missus) how you want to play this. Frankly put, if she's asking you, it's probably wise to help her out.

    I'd just like to add I find being at home wrangling 2 kids far more exhausting than going to work. And I'm in a very physical job on my feet and lifting and pulling all day. You never get a break from the kids and chores and it's 24/7.
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 10-04-2017 at 15:26.

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    We are in a similar situation... we have a newborn and my husband works 6 days a week leaving at 5am and getting home at 6:30pm or later.
    Personally I don't expect him to help with the night feed on a work night as he is up so early... he helps on a Saturday night absurd hard to get by on broken sleep 7 nights with no end in sight...
    We dont have a set who gets up to who on a Sunday morning but every second Sunday does not sound unreasonable...

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    @LittleMissSunshine - it is similar here.

    I BF so I have to do nights with the baby. Both my kids refused to let DH settle them at night anyway.

    DH did look after DS (who was 3) at night when DD arrived.

    I think if your DW is asking for help she probably needs it. Parenting is a full time job. So she works just as much (even more) than you.

    I would start by having turns with sleep ins. Maybe the person who does not get a sleep in can have a rest/nap in the afternoon instead.

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    When my kids were smaller, my husband was working a job with similar hours to yours, maybe a bit more. Less physically intensive and more mentally draining though.
    He had very little to do with "helping" around the house. He would have a play with the kids when he could. But I did all the night wakings and early mornings.

    With my 4th it was hard for the first few weeks as he was sick and ended up in hospital but prior to that, he wouldn't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time. But despite the exhaustion, I was more worried about hubby being in the car etc being tired so I just persevered. I am happy to take on most of the load.
    Now I am studying and he has a very cruisy 9-5 job so he helps out a bit more.
    So if I were in your wife's position, I would probably just keep doing it all myself and it wouldn't worry me BUT the fact that she asked for help, might be her way of saying she really really needs it. So I would take that into consideration.

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    So my dp leaves home at 6am and drives up to 2 hrs each atm for work. He to is self employed and works 6 days a week. He is a Carpenter by trade so also back breaking work he also does external cladding so lifting hebel panels all day that can weigh up to 90kg each.

    I'm up at roughly 630 to ds2, DS1 is up 730 he gets ready and goes to school at 830. I'm at home all day doing all the business paperwork and running a household.
    Now when do gets home at around 6 he showers straight away and takes over baby duty to give me a rest. It's actually hard work entertaining a baby all day long (9months and very active). He puts bubs to bed then has dinner. He also gets up in the middle of the night if my health doesn't allow me to. Weekends a sleep in for him in considered 8am. He lets me have naps when he is home and does quite a bit with both our boys.

    I think you need and should help your wife out. My dp would also agree with this as being a parent is for the both of us not just 1 person. It isn't the 50's anymore

    When I go back to work in a couple months dp will be cooking dinner a couple nights a week as I won't get home til 530 and he will have to be home earlier then that for the boys

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    It looks like you guys have a lot on your plate but do know it will get easier as the kids get older. As tough as your long hours are, it must be really tough on your wife too. I would actually look at doing alternative wake ups on the weekends so every second Sunday your wife sleeps in and you are every first Sunday. Then perhaps pick 2 days during the week where you will give bub a bottle. The last thing you need is your wife getting sick due to being run down, once that happens every thing goes to cr4p which my DH found out the hard way.
    DH and I take it in turns getting up with the kids now. If he works lates, I'll do the mornings and if I work lates, he'll do the mornings. My girls are older but we do need to wake once a night to check on one of our daughters (type 1 diabetic) and again we will alternate who wakes, was even like his when he was the only one working (for 8 years)

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    So long as you are taking care of your eldest at night and not expecting her to look after both kids at night i think that's fair enough. Maybe as a nice gesture you could let her have a sleep in some Sunday mornings.


 

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