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    Default We had decided to ttc.. but MIL has just announced she is pregnant..

    After much discussion, my partner and I had decided (around 12months ago) that we would start TTC next month. This has been a big step for us that we have carefully considered .. and I have been so excited! It is the perfect (as good as it gets!) timing for us in terms of life stages and how we want our future to work out.

    But we are now having to reconsider everything. My partners parents have just announced they are pregnant (with number 10). After the initial shock, I have worked through the 'weirdness' of it all, and am now stuck on one issue as to wether we continue with our plans despite this recent development.

    My partners family are incredibly selfish and have made increasingly large demands of him in terms of supporting their family. We both work fulltime and should have been in the position to buy our first home some time ago, but have been unable to due to the financial burden we are carrying for my partners family. I could be ok with this, however they are incredibly unappreciative and nothing is ever enough. My partner is manipulated and made to feel like a horrible person if we ever plan to do something good that does not include them. There are a multitude of other things that have happened and other issues at play here that I won't go into.. but we have been working hard to put boundaries in place to protect ourselves against their selfish and inconsiderate behaviour, and have definitely been making progress! (yes therapy has been suggested many times, and i did get so far as to get my partner to speak to a gp regarding a mental health plan.. where said gp promptly told my partner to just go away and work on it himself ....)

    The issue that I now have is that I know that if we do continue with our plans, my partner is going to get torn apart by his family. If we buy a new pram, or a fancy bouncer, he will get phone calls demanding the same for his sibling. He will be made to feel like a horrible person for 'choosing' (for want of a better word) our child over his sibling. This is then going to effect us as we will not be able to enjoy our pregnancy knowing that everything we do is going to be scrutinised and expected to be shared with the sibling. His mother will turn everything into a competition between both our pregnancies and then again once the babies are born. While my partner has been building boundaries, he cares deeply for his siblings, and that is the reason we have made the sacrifices we have done - for his siblings and not for his parents. I am extremely worried now that this new child will be 'used against us' (sorry i can't think of better wording there.. hope my meaning makes sense), and while I can be strong and support my partner now, I know that once pregnancy hormones set it, I'm going to need him to be strong for me instead.. and I'm worried that he won't be able to cope with that (standing up to his parents).

    So! What would you do? I am torn to say the very least.

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    Wow, they sound awful. I would continue ttc.

    You and your DH are adults and are entitled to your own lives. They have chosen to have baby no. 10, not you! Why should you be responsible for their choices? What if they have another and then another? Are you just never gonna have kids because of them?

    I think you should keep his parents
    at arms length, try to keep as much of your home life private and don't involve them. You need to take back some control of your own lives. I would also definitely recommend seeing a different GP and getting a referral to a counsellor for you and your husband.

    Do they actually ask you for money? Sounds like they are toxic people who have you right where they want you.

    Good luck!

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  4. #3
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    I would definitely still have your own baby as planned.


    Your MIL's baby (your partners sibling) is NOT his responsibility. Not his to raise, not his to finance ... his parents are the parents. He should not be expected to be buying things for his siblings.

    Do you live with them? If so, I would move out. ASAP. Otherwise, your relationship will end up in jeopardy (as they will blame you for any new attitude of non-compliance .. and he will be in the middle)

    He should be allowed to grow up, move out and have his own family ...

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    Thank you both for the support! I was concerned I was going to come off as a selfish cow in my post!

    We live an hour away from them, and are both job hunting interstate to hopefully move further. We have cut back on their demands of going to their house every weekend to now only going every month or so.
    They do outright ask for money frequently, sometimes saying its just loan (but we never get a penny back). I've kept track, and they currently owe us upwards of $25,000 - yes you read that correctly. I should also add that we made the decision a few months ago to not give anymore money at all, and have stuck to that. We also receive demands of what gifts his older siblings want. But to be honest, it the emotional manipulation that I have the greatest issue with - I could deal with the money situation if it was appreciated and understood what a great sacrifice has been made by us. Instead of just being expected and even being unsatisfied with what has been given.

    I agree with all that you have said in that this new child is not my partners, nor my, responsibility, but unfortunately my partner has a lot of difficulty with the concept. I have been taking a strong stand lately and not factoring his family into any of my decisions because I am sick of living life according to them, and I certainly don't want to change such a huge decision we have made on account of them. ugh.
    Last edited by pinelime; 16-03-2017 at 11:11.

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    Stay strong.

    Living an hr away is good. Its far enough that you cant be expected to pop over all the time - and limiting visits to even every 2nd or 3rd week is a good plan.

    The emotional side of things is always hard. Especially once bubs comes along (when you do have one ) as given they have 10 children, you will be expected to go to them all the time, be expected to be the one giving all the time even though you have your own little one.

    You have to stay strong with that - and do what is best for you and your family ... not the wider extended family.

    Having a large extended family CAN be a blessing - but it can be exceptionally difficult too, and if its causing too much stress, the best thing to do is cut back on the contact. Explain that you cant spend the money as you are saving for a house. Dont tell them about stuff you buy, and if they see it and ask, say it was loaned or given by a friend etc.

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    Your inlaws are toxic. They are simply not behaving like normal adults. This is very wrong in my opinion, and if your husband cant or will not stand up to them, I would be thinking of either leaving him, or absolutely living in a another state. You and your partner should be perfectly happy in deciding to have your family, and not having to factor in what your inlaws are doing at all. I would be long gone by this time, if I had been living through what you have already dealt with. hugs, marie.

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    I would be ABSOLUTELY sticking with your plans to commence TTC. I would also be saying to DH that he's not to give them anymore money for anything - your sole responsibility is now for your family and your future child/ren. They chose to have such a big family, if they can't support them all then tough biccies.

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    Try to conceive then ask them for money when you have the baby. You won't get it. Keep on asking. Will make it awkward for them to ask you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    Try to conceive then ask them for money when you have the baby. You won't get it. Keep on asking. Will make it awkward for them to ask you.
    lol I quite like this suggestion! On a serious note if they have the audacity to ask for more money could you say something like "you currently owe us over $25000 so we will not be lending you any more money and we actually will need you to start repaying us what you owe." I can guess by what you've said that it will not go down well with them (which really shouldn't be any of your concern) but how would your DH feel about it?

    I honestly give you credit for sticking around this long, I think I'd be long gone by now, they sound awful!

    If you and your DH are on the same page about not lending them any more money and putting your child and your family first then I would continue on with your plans to TTC and not let them get in the way. However I'd want to be sure DH is on my side 100%. Having a baby is hard work and I can only imagine it would be that much harder when one partners loyalty and responsibility is divided between your own child and his siblings. As nice as it is of him to want to support them he really needs to realize that they are not his responsibly. He needs to be able to prioritize you and your child and it doesn't sound like he's really there yet which would worry me.

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    Wow sweetie all I can say is continue with your journey and head for the hills far far away. That kind of emotional blackmail is mentally draining. I agree with everyone else, even though your partner cares greatly about his siblings they are in no way shape or form his responsibility at all. You, your partner or baby to be should not suffer at all because of them


 

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