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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by allatsea View Post
    What kind of consequence? I honestly have no idea

    Re time out, yes I've tried sitting him on my lap or next to me. He does more than wriggle. He fights tooth & nail. Hits, kicks, rips hair out, scratches, head-butts etc. So then I have to find a consequence for that behaviour as well as whatever the original issue was

    I'm not good with consequences. I don't know what i should use.

    He WILL NOT be redirected or distracted. So other than that & time out, what other options are there?
    Yes, he will wriggle and hurt and scratch. It sucks but he will. It's called a secondary behaviour. Don't be distracted by the secondary behaviour when you're dealing with the initial problem. (Kind of like when a teenager rolls their eyes but takes the rubbish out anyway!)

    So you have to go to your happy place and ignore him, just quietly do the timer or the egg timer or watch the clock or whatever it is you do.

    He will stop if you stop reacting. I promise. I know he shouldn't hurt you, and that honestly will pass, but for the right now he needs to know that you take him to time out, you mean it.

    My son was the same - redirection did nothing. Pleading, reasoning, talking rationally, explaining, did nothing at that age. Removing him worked, and because he was near me he wasn't distressed, he just didn't like it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by allatsea View Post
    What kind of consequence? I honestly have no idea

    Re time out, yes I've tried sitting him on my lap or next to me. He does more than wriggle. He fights tooth & nail. Hits, kicks, rips hair out, scratches, head-butts etc. So then I have to find a consequence for that behaviour as well as whatever the original issue was

    I'm not good with consequences. I don't know what i should use.

    He WILL NOT be redirected or distracted. So other than that & time out, what other options are there?
    Well then you probably need professional help for both of you as this is obviously beyond anything strangers on an Internet forum can help you with.

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Yes, he will wriggle and hurt and scratch. It sucks but he will. It's called a secondary behaviour. Don't be distracted by the secondary behaviour when you're dealing with the initial problem. (Kind of like when a teenager rolls their eyes but takes the rubbish out anyway!)

    So you have to go to your happy place and ignore him, just quietly do the timer or the egg timer or watch the clock or whatever it is you do.

    He will stop if you stop reacting. I promise. I know he shouldn't hurt you, and that honestly will pass, but for the right now he needs to know that you take him to time out, you mean it.

    My son was the same - redirection did nothing. Pleading, reasoning, talking rationally, explaining, did nothing at that age. Removing him worked, and because he was near me he wasn't distressed, he just didn't like it.
    I will try.

    Any tips on how I can stay calm/not react when he lashes out - because it actually hurts & getting angry is often just a split second reaction to getting headbutted in the nose or whatever.

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    I read a book called children are people too when my oldest was little. It's now called 'Parental Guidance Recommended.' Get this book. I think it will help you so much. No time outs, no reward charts or bribes. Written by a child psychologist. It explains kids behaviours so well, but it also lets you take a breather....like if they're tired, don't discipline them...ignore the behaviour and just focus on getting the kid to bed. If they're angry and lashing out, ignore the lashing out. You don't need to discipline every single bad behaviour. Just remove from the situation until they calm down, then go back. Eg. Kid wants to play with a glass vase, you tell kid to not touch. Kid looks right at you and touches the glass vase (testing the boundaries). You go to kid and move kid away from the vase. Kid chucks a tantrum and wants to go back to the vase. You remove kid a bit further away from the vase and kid kicks you in the process. You spend a few minutes waiting for kid to calm down. Don't discipline through the tantrum. You csn validate their feelings (I know you're angry and it's okay to be angry, but you can't play with the vase). Eventually kid calms down, you simply tell kid (cause they're only 2) that they can go and play but they're not to touch the vase and they either go and play and leave the vase or you rinse, lather and repeat a couple.more times cause kid is really stubborn and won't leave the vase alone, then you remove vase cause kid won't get it, ignore kid chucking a wobbly and just turn your back to them (or hug them...but my most difficult toddler HATED being touched when angry, and still does as a teenager...space is what is needed), and then when kid calms down you ask kid if they want a cuddle (because it's hard being angry), and then offer for them to go and play nicely. Then praise kid for playing nicely.
    Kid didn't get to play with the vase so no one gave in and kid still learnt about boundaries...but you keep that as the focus, not all the anger induced stuff like being kicked (you can say that hurt mummy when you kicked me, but you don't need to have another consequence for it). Once they are able to understand things better that's when you can start to teach them about ways to deal with their anger that are a bit better than lashing out at everyone and everything. But at 2 they can't comprehend it. They're still babies. So it's a bit like raising a puppy...distract, divert and praise the good behaviour.

    I wasn't in to rewards and bribes and didn't use them, but sometimes we'd just go do something really nice because we'd had a lovely day with beautiful behaviour...but it wasn't a 'if you sit in the trolley I'll buy you a chocolate.' More of a random 'you have behaved so well today, lets have a bubble bath tonight because it's been such a fun day' type of thing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by allatsea View Post
    I will try.

    Any tips on how I can stay calm/not react when he lashes out - because it actually hurts & getting angry is often just a split second reaction to getting headbutted in the nose or whatever.
    I have had a child like yours...don't hold him when he is physically hurting you if it is making him angrier. My child needs lots of space when angry, so sometimes that meant closing the door to a room and holding it shut while my child lashed out on the other side. It was intense. I thought something was wrong with my child. There wasn't. I just have one extremely determined and motivated child (now teenager) who doesn't let anything get in their way. But my teen has matured and developed, gained empathy for others and learnt that you can't bulldoze everything in your path to get what you want in life. At 2 there was no understanding of any of that so it was hard work. As a teenager it's this amazing quality and personality trait that is admired by many.
    Last edited by Full House; 15-03-2017 at 19:57.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    I have had a child like yours...don't hold him when he is physically hurting you if it is making him angrier. My child needs lots of space when angry, so sometimes that meant closing the door to a room and holding it shut while my child lashed out on the other side. It was intense. I thought something was wrong with my child. There wasn't. I just have one extremely determined and motivated child (now teenager) who doesn't let anything get in their way. But my teen has matured and developed, gained empathy for others and learnt that you can't bulldoze everything in your path to get what you want in life. At 2 there was no understanding of any of that so it was hard work. As a teenager it's this amazing quality and personality trait that is admired by many.
    I agree. My kids have both been similar and for everyones safety i have had to let thrm get out their frustration in their bedroom with the door shut because I was over getting hit/pinched/scratched what ever the latest phase was they were going through.
    When they finished I opened the door gave them a hug and we moved on. My now 7 yo has no issues and now knows to talk to me in a calm manner.

    Time out isnt the be all and end all. Not every child is suited to it. Soemtimes you as the adult need to remove them from the area and let them get their frustrations out as they are only 2 and not able to explain their feelings like a 30 year old.

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  12. #27
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    There's some great advice here OP. One thing I will add is something that I see every day through my work and that I believe to be utterly true: those parents who put in the hard yards in terms of behaviour and respect for others before their children start school have a much easier time through the tween and teen stage than those who don't. It's an investment.

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    Thanks all. What are good consequences i can use for things like throwing his shoe at me?

    He did it because i asked him 4 times to take them off, then i told him to take them off. He doesn't like being told to do things so he took it off & threw it at me.

    I told him very firmly that we don't throw shoes at people & immediately put the shoes away.

    He didn't seem to care at all & loosing the shoes had no effect as he wasn't playing with them anyway. I had trouble thinking of a consequence for that.

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    Have you tried a reward chart? With stickers? Or magnets?

    With prizes/rewards/stamp for good behaviour and nothing for bad behaviour.

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    Quote Originally Posted by twinklify View Post
    Have you tried a reward chart? With stickers? Or magnets?

    With prizes/rewards/stamp for good behaviour and nothing for bad behaviour.
    I tried one when we started toilet training, just using stickers. It didn't seem to be very motivating for him because he's always been allowed to play with stickers & stamps regularly so he doesn't really care about them.

    I can definitely try again though


 

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