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  1. #1
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    Default correcting my parenting fails

    So I'm sitting here tonight looking around at the cup that DS has left on the floor and his dinner plate with the realisation that I have let him think it is ok to leave these things around. I'm guessing that if I was to look in the bathroom there would be his school uniform and wet towel on the floor. He also never cleans his room.

    I don't want to raise that man who thinks his partner is his slave. Very occasionally he will get in helpful mode and will pick his stuff up. To add to the dynamic though my mental health is such that it is all too hard for me to require him to do these things regularly, or even to do them myself (so he also learns from me - something I am attempting without success to change).

    So how do I undo these parenting fails to raise an adult that you would want to live with without creating war in our house? Especially when I am in a place mentally where realistically any consistency from me isn't gong to happen due to some other stuff going on in my life right now

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    Sorry but it starts with consistency.

    You sound like your in a difficult part part of your life. Right now.

    How about expect one thing consistently.? Don't focus on everything. Make one rule all dirty clothes in the dirty laundry hamper. You follow this too.

    Why is the cup and dish dish on the floor? Do you not have a table? If you do have a table eat there and ask DS to set the table and clear.

    Only focus on one one of these areas. And add more later.


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    Ha...This is my 11yo...He is a total slob. Dirty dishes in his room, towels not rehung, clothes on floor etc. Honestly many of my friends teens/preteens are like this (I remember my room being a pigstye as a teen), it seems to just be a "thing" that hopefully passes. My near 14yo was a grub but is now much better, her room is tidy and neat almost always now.
    I think with this age group it's about encouraging without harassing to take care of their space. If my teen/preteen run out if uniforms /socks etc it is their problem for not putting in the wash. Natural consequences...
    My older kids are home alone a bit after school...I leave them a written list of chores to do before I get home from work. They do these in there own time much better than if I was standing there harassing them. Or a consequence "not going to your friends until your room sorted".
    I must admit I view my older kids rooms as their own space...if they want to live as a pig they can...within reason. But they will live with the consequences of their choice

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    We have 4 kids combined who stay with us (DP's eldest doesn't stay with us, so two are his, two mine), aged 5, 9, 10 & 13. It takes constant reminding at times, but we feel it's worth it in the long run. And they do automatically do what we expect some of the time.
    If you don't raise your expectations of him, nothing will change. Maybe sit down with him and have a talk about how you would like things to be. Explain how it will help you and how much better he will feel when he's helping keep the place tidy and pulling his weight.
    I'm afraid it will take time and consistency if you want him to change, but at his age he should be able to take it on board.
    I've been following your threads for a while and just want to say I wish you all the best with everything. I can't relate to your issues, but you do seem very determined and your son sounds amazing. He really loves you so much.

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    Don't be too hard on yourself OP. You've been going through such a rough time and from everything I've read about your DS he sounds like a great kid.

    I agree with a previous PP about setting both you and your DS one consistent goal. Maybe dirty clothes in the hamper or dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher. Just start with one thing and work on it. Change doesn't happen all at once, it takes time and small steps. I actually think working on these small goals will be beneficial for you and your mental health as well as your DS.

    Also I know that your concern comes from a genuine place but don't catastrophise the situation. Most teens and pre teens are messy, it doesn't mean they will turn into slobbish adults. I was a very messy teen and now I'm almost OCD about neatness. I think the key to helping a young person stop being so messy is to make them responsible for their own possessions and environment. My mum always did my brothers laundry, packed his clothes away, made his bed etc until he was a teen so he never had to learn to be neat and organized. I know you've both been through a lot so I'm not suggesting just stopping doing everything for him and turning your home into a war zone but maybe after you've worked on the small goals together for a few months you can start to give him some responsibly for say his laundry or keeping his room clean. Enforce natural consequences so if you say he needs to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and wash them, and he doesn't, then he just wears dirty clothes.

    Again do these things slowly, and be gentle on yourselves, change doesn't happen in a day. Good luck!

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    hi pointless, I am pleased to see this post from you. You are focusing on your son, and his future and that makes me glad. My kids all had the messiest rooms. I kept the bedroom doors shut. I had certain rules. Number one was , I will not ever look for washing, If the clothes are in the laundry, it will be washed, but if your sports uniform is in a heap on your bedroom floor, it is not going to be washed. They all learnt that rule really quickly.
    I would just suggest you have a bit of a chat with your boy, tell him where you are concerned, and let him work on being a bit tidier, or a bit more helpful in his own time. He is super smart and he has shown you many times that he is mature for his age. Really I don't think you need to worry about his future prospects. My kids are now adults and they can all keep house pretty well. hugs, marie.


 

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