What do birthing women want to hear?

[MSUQ]

Its very important that women feel supported and encouraged by their midwives/obs when in labour. As a midwife in training, its difficult to know what to say to a woman when she is in so much pain.

Please share anything your midwife said to you that you found helpful and supportive (or what would you like your midwife to say)? And what things irritated you, or what should a midwife avoid saying to a birthing women?

Thanks!

[delirium]

Tell them they are doing so well, they are almost there. That you know it hurts but they can do it.

Don't minimise. I think middies practicing a long time tend to sometimes lack patience and empathy bc they've seen so many births. Remember you may have birthed 20/50/100 babies but for this woman, it's her first/second. It's scary, painful and you lose all control. Don't tell them it isn't that bad. That they aren't handling the pain well.

My biggest advice is what would *you* want if you were heavy into transition, bellowing like hippo crying you can't do it anymore? lol

[twinklify]

I actually wanted someone to actually listen to me and not dismiss me.

My 1st birth I asked for more pain relief options and got 'you have a long way to go and it's too early and I have HOURS to go so go have a shower' - I had my baby less than 3 hours later.

I found my 2nd to be better - maybe I was more informed. But having the midwives listen and say things like 'do what is your body telling you' and just being encouraging helped so much.

Can I also add that after birth is important too? When helping with BF/bottle feeding etc etc.

[Genevieve1984]

My midwife was excellent. During transition when I thought I was loosing my mind, she told me 'its ok, you're in transition honey, hang in there'. Its simple, but for her to be able to remind me that 'oh yeah, thats what this is, they told me about it in my classes, im not loosing my mind.'.

Also when I was pushing (and through transition), she gave me very simple clear directives. She was the only voice that managed to pierce through all the other noise in the room (likely the noise coming from me lol).

I thanked her specifically for her clear direction. She said that she worries that she can come off a bit bossy, but it was not like that at all. She was my anchor.

[Genevieve1984]

Oh and like the previous poster, breastfeeding support was soooo important. I usually am the type to cringe when people are overly supportive and positive as it can come off as insencere. But the MW on my ward were SO positive and supportive - and I needed EVERY last drop of it. I would have fallen into a thousand pieces if I didnt have them telling me I was doing a great job, or commenting how well my baby was doing. It is simply not possible to overdo the positive reinforcement.

By posting this question already shows to me you are going to make an excellent midwife - good luck!

[ExcuseMyFrench]

Personally I would have cracked it if my midwife told me she knew it hurts.

Actually one did that in my first birth and she destroyed a process that was going so well.
I was in the zone and managing really well. From the outside it might have looked painful, but I was within myself and in a meditative state.

She didn't stop at "I know it hurts" she also said that I wouldnt cope without drugs and offered the lot.
I was in transition so really she should have shut it.

Anyway I'd stuck with "you're doing so well" and positive statements like that.

[AdornedWithCats]

Saying: you're doing it/doing well, reassuring them that it's completely normal particularly if they're ftm it's all new.

Encouraging them to try different positions to help with managing pain/contractions - this would have been useful when I was in labour with ds as I couldn't find a comfortable position.

Giving suggestions to they're support person about how they can help. My dh is so used to me just telling him what I want or need which I wasn't able to do during labour so having the midwives guide him was very useful.

[Ahalfdozen]

For me personally, I don't like the affirming "you're doing great" and "you're coping really well" type comments. I don't mind them from my husband but not from the midwife. I sometimes felt like it was a bit patronising to be honest. He knows me and knows if I'm coping well. She doesn't and she says it to everyone so it doesn't mean anything.

I like things kept more factual "you have progressed well so far" or "you're just in transition, it hurts but it means you're almost there".

I also like a midwife who is happy to engage in some small talk and have a bit of fun I guess. I find it a welcome distraction. Previous ones have joked around a bit (mainly with my husband while I was contracting) and we've all had a laugh and I find that relaxing.

[atomicmama]

For me personally, I don't like the affirming "you're doing great" and "you're coping really well" type comments. I don't mind them from my husband but not from the midwife. I sometimes felt like it was a bit patronising to be honest. He knows me and knows if I'm coping well. She doesn't and she says it to everyone so it doesn't mean anything.

I like things kept more factual "you have progressed well so far" or "you're just in transition, it hurts but it means you're almost there".

I also like a midwife who is happy to engage in some small talk and have a bit of fun I guess. I find it a welcome distraction. Previous ones have joked around a bit (mainly with my husband while I was contracting) and we've all had a laugh and I find that relaxing.

This ^

Also, I was surprised just how much I relied on dh to keep me focused, so it probably would have helped for the midwife to give him tips to make things easier for me, like getting him to talk me through breathing or whatever. That may not work for everyone though, I'd imagine it could make some women feel patronized.

[LoveLivesHere]

The truth.
I don't dilate fast. I have had 6 births so I know my labours are longer than average. As another poster said don't compare my birth with the 1000s before me. Be positive as much as possible but don't oversell.

Most importantly if you put a monitor on a baby keep the sound at the same level no matter what.
I had a midwive turn down the sound as i was exhausted after 27 hours of labour. They also kept all nosie to a minimum in the room and talked in the corner. Please never talk in corner where the mother can see but not hear. For the last 3 hours of that birth i had thought my son had died and they weren't telling me. He was my 6th baby so i wasn't young and naive. I was scared silent.
Please don't think just because i woman has given birth before that it is easier. It can be and it can be 100 times harder. My first birth was my easiest and simplest birth my last was my hardest. With 5th being the quickest my atleast 7 hours.
Each birth is different and each time what the mother needs to hear can be different too.