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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by misho View Post
    I think I will go with it for a bit, and if I see that it truly is OTT, then we will stop.

    Sadly for him, because he is quiet, his brother steals the spotlight. Eg: dh's family rings ds1 for bday and totally adore him, for ds2 (and even ds3 this year), he gets no phone call. Ds1 gets random gifts, ds2 never does (the implication is 'why can't they just share?') -but ds2 has started to notice because the gift is always handed to ds1 first - and is old enough that he now takes things to heart.

    Now that's not his problem - it's dh's family that needs to be fair with all 3 kids (and we've spoken to them numerous times over it, but it still continues) - but the end result is I have a little boy who already struggles with his emotions and then has to deal with this stuff. (Sooooo glad that we have moved interstate and now I don't have to deal with the gift giving anymore - just the lack of phone calls grr).
    I don't want his quietness to impact his life negatively, or come to resent his older brother in years to come.

    I guess the good thing to come out if it yesterday is that I'm even more aware of this now - so I can make further changes if required.

    I'm starting to feel a bit better with stuff by reading your responses, so thanks to all who have replied thus far.

    It's so hard - I never used the same approach for all my kids but I did figure that I was doing what was best for all of them.
    Being quiet isn't a bad thing. We live in a world for loud extroverted people, but being quiet and introverted isn't bad.

    Trying to change a quiet introverted child into a extroverted child isn't a good idea. Will being quiet negatively impact his life? Who knows. Will trying to change a quiet child into a loud child impact his life? Probably.. he will not be being himself.

    I have one extroverted child who loves attention and one introverted child who detests it. Teachers have tried to change my older DD (introvert) and it does more damage than her being allowed to just be herself. She is now 12 and has found a little 'tribe' of friends and among those friends and at times at home she has blossomed.

    More I think about the speech pathologist's advice the more I think it would be wise to steer clear and find a child psychologist. In my opinion the speech pathologist is operating outside her scope. She may be an expert at parenting and speech pathology but she is not a psychologist.

    Frustrates me no end when people try and change introverted quiet children into something they are not.

    You may find these interesting
    http://centerforparentingeducation.o...-children-101/

    http://www.quietrev.com/15-ways-to-parent/

    If she recommends Triple P....stay clear...there are much better parenting courses than Triple P.

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  3. #22
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    I was a 'shy' child and still quite introverted. I was always nagged as a child for my shy and sensitive nature so maybe I am more defensive on this sort of thing.
    I think if you keep the communication going with your boy and he knows that he can trust you and you will advocate for him (when the in laws aren't being fair etc), this will be the best thing.
    Don't doubt yourself. I find that often professionals can shake your faith in yourself because they see a lot of cases, they study etc therefore they know things right? Maybe, but they are not living your life nor do they know your child.
    You seem like a very switched on mum, you will know what to do.
    Please don't let anyone try to change your little man. The world needs more sweet hearted men!

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  5. #23
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    Agree with @POM Poms and @Bluebirdgirl.

    I am and always have been an introvert. The world is currently set up to make us think that being an introvert is wrong. It isn't - just different. We like our quiet and our space and interacting with too many people is actually exhausting.

    I think a parenting course is way OTT. But maybe figuring out sone strategies you can use to help your son keep interacting with others - particularly in groups or those he doesn't know well, may be of benefit? I say this because these are 2 aspects that I particularly struggle with and as I got older it developed into social anxiety. He doesn't need to change, but some basic skills to get him comfortably through life are always helpful.
    Last edited by Tiny Dancer; 08-02-2017 at 21:59.

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  7. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by misho View Post
    Apologies for the long post - just want to give a bit of background as am feeling pretty sad at the moment.

    We have 3 boys.

    DS1 is very social, happy and 99% of the time a great kid. Very outgoing and a big chatterbox.
    DS3 is only very young still, but is cheery, funny and a joy to have around.

    DS2 is a wonderful caring kid. But he has always been a bit on the quiet side and it takes him time to warm up to people. He enjoys his own company (I think). I love all 3 of them but I've always had a sofft spot for ds2 because he seems to be the odd one out at times, so I try and make an extra 10% effort because I am cautious of the 'middle child syndrome'. He is 5 yo. He and ds1 are great friends but more and more they fight - both of them can be to blame although ds1 can be quite domineering. He's never had any problems at kindy and the teachers this year say that he's a lovely child.

    So, last year ds2's kindy/preschool said that he should go see a speech pathologist. Then he did a vacation care course and they recommended the same thing - so yesterday I went to a speech pathologist.
    The lady was lovely - awesome. I didnt realise that she isn't just a speech pathologist, but also, (almost) a child psychologist - she is degree trained & came highly recommended by a number of friends.

    DS2 was a bit nervous but he had his toys to show her and after a while he started to be a bit more chatty - standard behaviour for him.

    So then, at the end of the session - she starts to discuss with me her observations.

    She asks the following:
    How well does he get along with his brothers? (they all fight a fair bit now)
    Who does he share a room with? (ds1)
    Has he always been this way?
    How do we discipline him?
    Do I have any concerns about his development (He cannot self regualate and takes over an hour to calm down over things that upset him)

    She tells me that his speech is age-appropriate, but that she is concerned about him as he shows early signs of 'disengagement' (for lack of a better word). He doesnt look at people when he speaks, he has his head down a lot, he is a very 'serious' child. She is very concerned that the dynamics in the family (2 brothers who are very outgoing, dad working ALOT and me who tries the best that i can) mean that he is withdrawing and that we need to work on this asap otherwise he won't develop crucial social skills and so forth.

    She's told us that we need to go on a parenting course (didnt think I was doing that bad a job so I've taken that a bit hard) and then have one-on-one time with her, as well as her with ds2 as well.

    I'm devastated. I didnt think I was failing my kids so much.
    But everything she said hit the nail right on the head with ds2 - so I dont want to dismiss it.

    I'm so upset. I feel so sad for him. What did I do wrong to get him to this point?
    He has always been quiet, even as a baby - he'd fall asleep easily, wake up and be calm - never really bouncing off the walls. We never did controlled crying - there was never a need to because he slept through at 3mths of age, he always got cuddles and I was home with him and didnt work for the majority of his life. Where did it go wrong?

    I'm so so sad. Although Ive always wanted to do a parenting course, having someone else tell you that you NEED to do it makes me feel horrid.

    So I guess I just want some feedback and hugs really. DH is no help - he is a blokey bloke and leaves all this stuff to me to deal with (but she said he needs to go on the course too).

    Tell me that it will be ok please, coz im on the verge of tears.
    Hello, I've just read your story and wanted to assure you there is nothing you've done wrong - a caring parent is a wonderful parent and that is what you have been (and there is no parenting class to teach you that! That is all on-the-job experience ) it just sounds to me that his teachers and speech pathologist have identified signs that he would benefit from some support that has helped other kids just like him to flourish, and that there is a class for parents that will help you to focus on particular things you can do to support him too - it all sounds very positive and supportive to me. And there's nothing wrong with your DS2 either, different personalities can benefit from different things at different stages and as long as you're there to care and support, you're doing everything right. Be excited about the class, it will only help to bring out the best in your middle child

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  9. #25
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    I was a bit taken back by her 'observations'. There is no way she should be forming any solid opinions in one session. And everything you listed sounds pretty normal for an introverted 5 year old. Lots of 5 year olds when meeting a stranger without a parent won't make eye contact. And again the whole disengagement thing and do something now is very premature after 1 session.

    My DD was much like you described at 5 minus the emotional freak outs. She was painfully shy around strangers, very introverted. Would get all embarrassed if adults she didn't know engaged her. At nearly 13 she is highly intelligent, still introverted but has come out of her shell. DS1 in comparison is larger than life, loud, extroverted (like me lol). DS2 also is showing signs of being extroverted and 'large' in his personality. Yet she has continued to bloom and grow.

    Look, I'm not telling you to ignore her. But TBH I think her ideas that you need parenting classes, that your DH working away is a huge issue (single parenting is becoming more and more common producing healthy happy kids), that he is disengaged and in essence ignored, is very premature after 1 session. Frankly I'd be getting a second opinion. I see a pattern here of what probably was leading questioning and counsellor agenda (so she has asked specific questions to illicit answers that reinforce her thoughts and agenda).

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  11. #26
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    My son is serious most of the time but can have a ripper sense of humour. Always would have his head down, thinking of something or reading. He never was good at eye contact but that improved and only occasionally now do we have to remind him. I took my son to an auditory processing specialist and in fact had some more testing done as I'd had people make comments that something was wrong.

    One thing I got told is that most adults and children are on the spectrum - it's just at what point. DS is on the lower end of the spectrum if he had to be formally put somewhere and the specialist told us most of us would be down there with him.

  12. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiny Dancer View Post
    Agree with @POM Poms and @Bluebirdgirl. I am and always have been an introvert. The world is currently set up to make us think that being an introvert is wrong. It isn't - just different. We like our quiet and our space and interacting with too many people is actually exhausting. I think a parenting course is way OTT. But maybe figuring out sone strategies you can use to help your son keep interacting with others - particularly in groups or those he doesn't know well, may be of benefit? I say this because these are 2 aspects that I particularly struggle with and as I got older it developed into social anxiety. He doesn't need to change, but some basic skills to get him comfortably through life are always helpful.
    Thanks to all who have replied - i dont have time right now to reply or thank all - im just flat out at work and have parent/teacher info night tonight. Thanks for this reply. The boys do everything together - and your comment has made me think about whether ds2 can 'shine' if ds1 is always around. Eg: they're meant to be in a Under 6/7 composite soccer team this year (not enough players for separate teams), but how can ds2 show his true self if ds1 is there, being confident and chatty? I'll try and find something that ONLY ds2 does, as opposed to doing everything together. I might look into school music lessons - and only enrol ds2. Being a bit on the quiet side he might enjoy the focus and attention that playing an instrument requires, whilst being able to express himself thru music (obviuosly when he would be able to know how to play independently). He'd still be around a group of people, but they'd be HIS people - rather than sharing with his brother. Does that make sense? I will go to the session she's set up for me and now that I've thought (and thought, and thought) about her comments, I'm going to question it more, and ask her how she came to those conclusions, and where - in her opinion - the sessions would be leading to & how long this would all take. I've been ripped off by a speech pathologist before (with ds1 at age 3.5) - and I definitely don't want that to occur again.
    Last edited by misho; 09-02-2017 at 15:26.

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  14. #28
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    Ps, I actually did type that reply with line spacing & separate paragraphs but looks like something funny has occurred and now everything is just lumped into one big para. Apologies for the bad read.

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  16. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I was a bit taken back by her 'observations'. There is no way she should be forming any solid opinions in one session. And everything you listed sounds pretty normal for an introverted 5 year old. Lots of 5 year olds when meeting a stranger without a parent won't make eye contact. And again the whole disengagement thing and do something now is very premature after 1 session.

    My DD was much like you described at 5 minus the emotional freak outs. She was painfully shy around strangers, very introverted. Would get all embarrassed if adults she didn't know engaged her. At nearly 13 she is highly intelligent, still introverted but has come out of her shell. DS1 in comparison is larger than life, loud, extroverted (like me lol). DS2 also is showing signs of being extroverted and 'large' in his personality. Yet she has continued to bloom and grow.

    Look, I'm not telling you to ignore her. But TBH I think her ideas that you need parenting classes, that your DH working away is a huge issue (single parenting is becoming more and more common producing healthy happy kids), that he is disengaged and in essence ignored, is very premature after 1 session. Frankly I'd be getting a second opinion. I see a pattern here of what probably was leading questioning and counsellor agenda (so she has asked specific questions to illicit answers that reinforce her thoughts and agenda).
    Yep - perhaps you're right.

    I've had a bad experience with a previous speech pathologist for ds1 (when we were living interstate). She made me feel like if I didn't do something about his speech, he'd have all sorts of issues at school. I bought it hook, line and sinker and about $2000 later, he was doing the same stuff and being age appropriate (as assessed by another speechie during kindy/preschool). FFS.

    So I am cautious about this, and I'm glad that I've posted here. I'm sure that parts of it would be beneficial - but other then "parenting courses" for me & dh, she actually didnt say how she'd help ds2.
    Last edited by misho; 09-02-2017 at 15:36.


 

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