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  1. #1
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    Default This sense of impending doom.

    I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.

    People say that the risk of having a second stillbirth is tiny. Less than 1%.

    Not when you have a disorder with a high recurrence rate though.

    My body cut off my baby's blood supply, essentially smothering him in utero. I've worked hard to let go of the guilt associated with this.. but I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant now and I feel completely overwhelmed by it all.

    My ob is monitoring the bub for iugr (intrauterine growth restriction), at which point we may need a more aggressive form of treatment. I'm on daily aspirin, praying that's enough to keep this baby alive. It just feels insurmountable another 32 weeks of this?

    Every twinge down there, every slight cramp.. every moment I DON'T feel the morning sickness. Every time I go to the toilet I can't help but check for blood.

    Pregnancy isn't meant to be this way. It's meant to be pure and loving, exciting and wonderful. Pregnancy loss steals your innocence there, and leaves this beautiful experience feeling tainted and scary. That's what I struggle with most of all.

    I've come to terms with the loss of my baby. But I don't know how to be ok with everything that comes with this pregnancy, or has the potential to.

    Please keep me in your prayers.

  2. #2
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    Just wanted to send you some

    The worry will probably never leave you all throughout pregnancy but maybe you can find a way to cope with it so it doesn't completely take over?
    Get as many extra tests here and there?
    I didn't have any complications but lost two pregnancies and I know that feeling when you're pregnant again.
    I found I kept making it to milestones, feeling happy and relaxed for a day or so, then set the other milestone and worried my nut off until that passed.
    It's a crazy way to live.
    Go easy on yourself, your feelings are all normal

  3. #3
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    I think pregnancy is only "pure and loving, exciting and wonderful" when you've not had a loss before. Once you've had a loss, you lose that innocence. I remember when my sister got pregnant (natural conception at 29) she announced within weeks. In her mind, a positive HPT meant that she WAS having a baby. Me, I lost my first through a MMC at 8 1/2 weeks and now with my second (18w3d) I check my knickers every time I drop them and basically feel all the time like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems too good to be true that WE could be having a baby - even now that I feel bub moving.

    So I do understand exactly how you feel, being too afraid to fully enjoy what *should* be a magical time. I have moments now where I get excited but in equal measure I have moments of terror that it could all fall apart so very easily. I think that's just 'our normal' if you know what I mean? We just have to try and find the joy where we can, and take each day as it comes.

    Big hugs to you hon, it's a tough old road. Just try and focus on the positives where you can. And think of it this way - you've got a good head start on the next 50 odd years of worry you have coming at you once bub arrives!!!

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    Thanks ladies xx


 

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