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  1. #31
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    That's why I was sure to say "in my experience" and "you may find", however it seems impossible to post an opinion here without stepping on somebody's toes.

  2. #32
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    OP please if you end up having this child, I think seeing a counsellor is a must. I've heard of couples where the husband didn't want a third but the wife did and the father resented that child, treated them differently to his eldest 2, and made his wife do everything for the youngest in what can only be thought upon as being 'payback' for her going through with the pregnancy, as he did not want the child and still doesn't. Please don't let this happen to you and this child.

    I wish you good luck as I currently fear being in your situation as I absolutely don't want another child and DH refuses the snip, so I would still end up having the child as for me I don't believe in abortion and without counselling I could see myself resenting DH and the youngest child.

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    Little Miss Sunshine  (28-01-2017)

  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    That's why I was sure to say "in my experience" and "you may find", however it seems impossible to post an opinion here without stepping on somebody's toes.
    It's not about stepping on somebody's toes. Having an unwanted pregnancy is a hard emotional gig, as someone who has lived through it I thought I'd share. I tried to reply about that as diplomatically as I possibly could because my intention was not to offend anyone, just point out that whilst those words come from good intentions, they aren't necessarily helpful. A bit like someone telling a woman who has had a traumatic birth that at least they have a healthy baby....comes with good intentions, but makes the person feel less like they can talk about how they really feel.

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    DT75  (28-01-2017)

  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    OP please if you end up having this child, I think seeing a counsellor is a must. I've heard of couples where the husband didn't want a third but the wife did and the father resented that child, treated them differently to his eldest 2, and made his wife do everything for the youngest in what can only be thought upon as being 'payback' for her going through with the pregnancy, as he did not want the child and still doesn't. Please don't let this happen to you and this child.

    I wish you good luck as I currently fear being in your situation as I absolutely don't want another child and DH refuses the snip, so I would still end up having the child as for me I don't believe in abortion and without counselling I could see myself resenting DH and the youngest child.
    This.
    I have heard a similar scenario but with the roles reversed (mum didn't want bub and treated her differently to the elder girls and boy).

  7. #35
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    I've been here as a mum. Fell pregnant while on contraception while DH was waiting for the snip with a 2.5y DS amd a 4y DD who still didn't sleepnar night (,still doesn't at 8. We were bith devastated but could not go through with termination. It took me to almost 6m pregnant to feel any connection with the baby. We only wanted 2, had sat and written pros and cons and and had made the decision. Having a 3rd would have a negative impact in almost every area of our lives. Excepting we were having a third was a very difficult thing. The one thing that i held onto was at the end of the day, when holding our baby was I would love him/her unconditionally. And that's what happened. He had a huge impact financially, our marriage was negatively impacted initially as we were struggling a bit anyway. We had to change our kids to a cheaper school and change our renovation plans. But at the end of the day I'd never change it and I love him as I do his siblings. As I said afterward I never knew he was missing from our family until he entered it. It took me until about 5m to not cry about it. I ended up with antenatal depression. Would I change things. ..probably not but I just don't dwell on that. Try and look past the shock and think of how it feels to hold your new baby for the first time who loves you unconditionally simply cause your his/her dad.

  8. #36
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    hi therec have no advice to offer as im on the other side trying to have babies, would you guys consider adoption Jojo

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    MuMtORiLeYandLeO  (07-05-2017)

  10. #37
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    I really feel for you. Having a child is a huge deal and in today's world with all the contraception options, it really shouldn't happen unless both parents are on board. My partner and I are pregnant with our second child, we know we only want 2 and after this one is born, my partner has agreed to look into sterilisation options.

    I would hate to be put in a position where I felt that I wasn't going to be able to provide the kind of life (both in terms of attention, time, finances etc) to my children because I was stretched too thin across too many.

    My views are probably a bit different from the majority here. Our first child wasn't planned, I was on the pill and we have only elected to have a second because we don't want an only child. Of course we're obsessed with our baby now, we're stupidly proud and enjoy our child more than we ever could have imagined. I guess what I'm saying is that I understand the hardships, changes (to everything good and bad) and compromises that need to be made for parenting.

    You say that you and your fiancé had agreed on 2 children, but she refused to agree to you having a vasectomy. Now she's pregnant - I'm guessing she was responsible for the contraception? I'm not accusing her of anything, I don't know her. But just when you consider that information, well it would raise questions for me.

    When my partner I first found out that we were pregnant, neither of us thought, oh maybe the relationship won't survive this. I'm not going to say we celebrated, but we never considered that maybe we weren't 'the one's' for each other. I was 28, he was 32, we've both dated a fair bit before, we know we're onto a good thing with each other. So the fact that you mentioned that you're not sure that your relationship will survive raises some red flags for me as well. Like maybe the relationship wasn't perfect beforehand and this is just an additional stressor.

    I could be wrong about all of this, but I wanted you to know that I feel for you. You're going to have another child, and I think it's ok to spend a moment or 2 grieving the loss of your 2 child household. It will make for big changes. You will have another newborn stage. But once the child arrives, you will need to be there for them, so grieve now if you need to, but make sure that you're ready when they arrive. It's not their fault and all children need their fathers. But don't feel guilty for feeling upset about this change. It's normal to want to feel confident in your ability to provide for your children and family and to maintain a certain lifestyle. I'll tell you right now, if I'd found out I was having twins this pregnancy, I would have been very upset. I only want 2 children for so many reasons. And consider your relationship with your fiancé. Do you trust her? If not, can that change? I think you both need counselling, because she needs to understand your perspective and you both need to see what needs to be done to make the relationship work.

    I wish you all the best. There is so much that is exciting about new babies and watching children grow up but you already know that


 

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