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  1. #21
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    Can we give this poor guy a break! Geez it's his first post on here. What good is banging on about vasectomys and contraception. What's done is done and he's just looking for a bit of support and advice. Yes he presented abortion pamphlets to his wife and some might find that distasteful or whatever but abortion is not illegal in Australia, he hasn't committed any crime. It actually sounds like despite how stressed he is he's attempting to be supportive of his wife and find the right way to deal with this.

    OP, our second was a 'surprise'. We were seriously considering stopping at one child and we were both extremely worried and stressed when we found out we were expecting a second. I understand where you are coming from and I sincerely hope that you are able to find some way to overcome your stress about this and that it does not end up affecting your marriage.

    I think counseling is an excellent idea and also as a PP suggested, try to put as many plans and preparations into action in advance so you feel you have some sense of control.

    Best of luck

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    A-Squared  (28-01-2017),babyno1onboard  (27-01-2017),bpac  (27-01-2017),Phony  (27-01-2017),TableDancer  (27-01-2017)

  3. #22
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    I have a child that was the product of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy, and when I was trying to come to terms with it in the early weeks some of these comments would have completely broken me. Be kind with your words, people.
    OP, my pregnancy was a hard time...I felt like I was counting down until the end of my life. In hindsight, counselling would have been helpful, but the world is a harsh place to people who are struggling to cope with these kinds of feelings, so I just squashed them down and hoped it would be okay in the end. I had a few meltdowns to DH at the end of the pregnancy, crying because my time was running out and I wasn't ready to have another baby. It's an awful place to be in.
    That baby is in primary school now and we couldn't imagine life without all our children in it. It's a bit of a rocky road, but once you accept that this person is in your life forever it's easier, and I would make the same choice to not have an abortion if I had my time again.
    DH had a vasectomy when I was pregnant. We absolutely did not want to have another oops baby. I think this is a.conversation you need to have with your wife...maybe with a counsellor so they csn help guide you through it.

  4. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Full House For This Useful Post:

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  5. #23
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    Sorry if I sound harsh. I am that unwanted/unplanned pregnancy and it still comes up within my family. My parents divorced when I was 16 and ridiculously it was still used as the reason. Whenever my parents were annoyed with me as a child it was brought up, it's still brought up. To quote George Michael,"Some mistakes are built to last". I am prickly about mistakes/unwanted children.

    OP please get counselling on your own and/or with your partner before the child is born so you don't carry your feelings on to effect your child's life.

  6. #24
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    I think it's harsh to comment on contraception when he probably already feels bad and regretful over that and he was asking advice on moving forward. OP you really have no choice it seems but to accept this is going to happen. Take some time to contemplate - sit quietly with the idea and you might find peace with it. Rather than struggling in your head with all the what if's. For now, just get used to accepting the idea and with a more level head you can then make plans to cope financially. Get help where you can when the bub is here and maybe even start getting your children used to helping around the house so it's easier when bub arrives. I say this bit because I have children the same age as yours and very recently I realised they do nothing for themselves and DH and I run around doing everything for them. We realised this isn't doing them any favours and we've started to teach them things like tidying up their play room, making a sandwich (6yo), putting their plate or cup in the sink, etc.
    I wish you the best with it all

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  8. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deskar View Post
    Sorry if I sound harsh. I am that unwanted/unplanned pregnancy and it still comes up within my family. My parents divorced when I was 16 and ridiculously it was still used as the reason. Whenever my parents were annoyed with me as a child it was brought up, it's still brought up. To quote George Michael,"Some mistakes are built to last". I am prickly about mistakes/unwanted children.

    OP please get counselling on your own and/or with your partner before the child is born so you don't carry your feelings on to effect your child's life.
    My heart hurt reading that. You poor thing that it unforgivable behaviour

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  10. #26
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    I just wanted to add, my points re. contraception were much more about the future than the past. I think the OP and his wife need to make some serious decisions about permanent contraception so this doesn't happen again.

    Anyway, I didn't mean to come off judgy, that certainly wasn't my intention.

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    Deskar  (27-01-2017),Mama Mirabelle  (27-01-2017),Redcorset  (27-01-2017)

  12. #27
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    Thanks all for your feedback/opinions/suggestions etc. Every comment has been helpful in aligning my thoughts. Yes, contraception is always an option and that's on us for not using. I'm in the stages of looking for a counsellor just to be able to talk about the situation.

    You are all so right in that come many years down the track, I'll question why I ever doubted it and I know that I wouldn't be able to imagine life without our new addition. I'm fully aware of that, I'm just not in that head space just yet and need to get my head around getting through the pregnancy, birth and baby months/years and adjusting life to having a 3rd child.

    Being unplanned and unwanted at this early stage, does not mean that I am going to love them any less than I do my other two. Its just going to be an adjustment.

  13. #28
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    OP, you won't find too many dads on here unfortunately. We seem to scare them all away.

    Speaking for my situation, hubby dreaded having a third child. Feared it. Was sure that life was great just as it was, and three would be too hard. Well, I felt differently and after much discussion and compromise we have recently just had our third child.

    Let me tell you, it is much easier than the first two. Yes, there are nappies and feeding and such. But I think after the first two, we've really gotten the hang of being parents and it's so much easier. You may well find the same.

    You say the pregnancy is in the very early stages, it is so natural to be in shock when it is unplanned. You sound like a loving father, you can be confident your feelings will change as the pregnancy develops and your third child arrives. I know it's different for dads. You don't feel the pregnancy grow and often don't bond until much later (for my hubby, it's after the first 12 months). But they grow so fast and the easier stage is coming (when they are all school aged!).

    You won't regret your child once they are here. Best of luck finding an empathetic counsellor, it's a great idea to talk it out with someone neutral and spare negativity between you and your partner as best you can.

  14. #29
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    We also found the 3rd much easier than we expected for the same reasons as Born. Yes logistically there is nappies again and more mess, more lots of things. But by the 3rd we were old hands and emotionally handled our third the best of all our kids (and he is a very high maintenance child lol)

    You seem like a good father who is genuinely trying to come to terms with this. You have 8 months, it will come

  15. #30
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    Can I just add that having a third baby was by far my most difficult, and comments when I was pregnant about how easy the third would be just added to my stress when it just wasn't easy at all. I know it comes with good intentions, but if that isn't the OP's experience it might make things harder emotionally. It's not a blanket rule that everyone will find child no 3 easy.
    Last edited by Full House; 28-01-2017 at 14:13.


 

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