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  1. #11
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    I would be pretty honest about how you feel (the habits he is developing for the kids, your concerns over his health, and mention that s.ex is uncomfortable because of how heavy he is) rather than tip toeing around it, and make an appt to see a GP to discuss his state of mental health and to discuss weight loss.
    There are lots of things you can do to help him, but ultimately he needs to want it himself. If he doesn't want to make a change, then he won't.
    Good luck. I would really struggle if I was in your situation, and I think you're being very patient and understanding...but it's also okay to say 'hey, you're my husband and I want more than this, I deserve better than this.'

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  3. #12
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    I agree with pp, it's a matter of finding his own motivation. You have to really want to change to be able to consistently make healthy food choices and give up that chocolate! I'm probably 7kg overweight and I really struggle to give up sugar even though I really want to lose weight. I'm usually most motivated when I have an event or holiday coming up I want to look and feel good for. Try having a chat about how he wants to feel - ie healthy and more energised. Best of luck, is not easy.

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  5. #13
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    I'm the overweight one and DH is you, never had to try to stay a healthy weight. DH has a healthy relationship with food, unlike me, plus a very active job and a love of sports.

    I can tell you what, if I'd come on here saying "my DH has told me he's worried about my weight and is finding his attraction to me is less because of it" the comments would be so different to some of these recommendations. He HAS had this conversation with me and it breaks my heart to read people telling you that you deserve better than your unhealthy husband and that he needs to know that your marriage depends on him making changes. Please talk to your husband with as much sensitivity as you would a girlfriend, anyone who is overweight will feel sensitive about the issue. As PP said - I have a mirror, I don't need to be told that I'm fat and I already feel 10x less s3xy than he finds me.

    For us, the hardest thing is that DH just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand what lack of motivation is like, he doesn't understand what emotional eating is like (and that him bringing up my weight triggers it - the irony!), he doesn't understand that I'm motivated by different methods to him - he prefers the 'Commando' type trainer go-go-go but that brings out my every teenage rebellion instinct! Mostly, he doesn't understand that my current inability to lose weight is a complex issue with an equally complex set of causes.

    I'm not obese, but I've been firmly in the overweight BMI since having my 3.5yo son. I was overweight for about 2.5 years after my DD and he also told me then about his issues with me being fat. My weight is quite stable within a few KGs. He tells me because he thinks it will help motivate me - like I said, he just doesn't understand!

    When we've had these conversations I've tried to explain to DH that what he can do is practical things to support healthy changes. He says "you need to make time for exercise" but what happens is that it MUST work around his time commitments to sport (2 nights training and all day Sat) and when I do something for 2 weeknights or half of Sunday he starts to get sulky because we never see each other and why do I have to be so busy all the time!?! Sigh! Plus I need to cook dinner before I go and wash up when I get back - basically I can do it, so long as it doesn't actually require anything much from him. Him tut tutting when I order a side of fries with my salad doesn't help when he's sitting down to surf and turf with the works. He also winges about how cranky I am when I'm on a diet! Seriously, make up your mind DH!

    I would really like him to put his money where his mouth is and actually DO more practical things to help. This will vary from couple to couple.

    One thing that has helped me in the past, and I know helps me to keep my weight quite stable, is knowing how many calories are in some foods. I use the .au Calorie King website and the first time I looked up a few things I was in shock!! Perhaps look up some of your favourite junk foods one evening with DH and comment "OMG look at this! there's more calories in a thick shake than big Mac! (or whatever)" as it may pique his interest and then you can look up some of your favourite meals together. You may be surprised that the 2nd bowl of pasta (depending on the sauce) has less calories than the healthy salmon steak, and he can eat it guilt free to feel full and stay away from the after-dinner munchies. Or swapping to mustard on his steak instead of Dianne sauce means he can have a row of chocolate for dessert and so on.

    Once again though, men hide their feelings but they do have them. Please approach this with tact and love, with some practical ideas to support changes.

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  7. #14
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    I would look at positive, constructive ways to help.
    - You do the grocery shopping and cook healthy meals
    - Make your DH a healthy lunch each day
    (Ok so I know the two point above sound a bit anti-feminist but it might help kick-start better habits)
    - Organise active family outings (eg buy the kids a cricket bat and ball and encourage your DH to play cricket with them; get bikes and arrange a family bike ride; go to the swimming pool/beach.

    I have experienced some of the points that Stretched mentioned at it's quite frustrating! Being told to make time for exercise and then not being supported when the time comes to do it. Partner stocking the pantry / fridge with junk food and constantly suggesting we go out for dinner.

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  9. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    I'm the overweight one and DH is you, never had to try to stay a healthy weight. DH has a healthy relationship with food, unlike me, plus a very active job and a love of sports.

    I can tell you what, if I'd come on here saying "my DH has told me he's worried about my weight and is finding his attraction to me is less because of it" the comments would be so different to some of these recommendations. He HAS had this conversation with me and it breaks my heart to read people telling you that you deserve better than your unhealthy husband and that he needs to know that your marriage depends on him making changes. Please talk to your husband with as much sensitivity as you would a girlfriend, anyone who is overweight will feel sensitive about the issue. As PP said - I have a mirror, I don't need to be told that I'm fat and I already feel 10x less s3xy than he finds me.

    For us, the hardest thing is that DH just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand what lack of motivation is like, he doesn't understand what emotional eating is like (and that him bringing up my weight triggers it - the irony!), he doesn't understand that I'm motivated by different methods to him - he prefers the 'Commando' type trainer go-go-go but that brings out my every teenage rebellion instinct! Mostly, he doesn't understand that my current inability to lose weight is a complex issue with an equally complex set of causes.

    I'm not obese, but I've been firmly in the overweight BMI since having my 3.5yo son. I was overweight for about 2.5 years after my DD and he also told me then about his issues with me being fat. My weight is quite stable within a few KGs. He tells me because he thinks it will help motivate me - like I said, he just doesn't understand!

    When we've had these conversations I've tried to explain to DH that what he can do is practical things to support healthy changes. He says "you need to make time for exercise" but what happens is that it MUST work around his time commitments to sport (2 nights training and all day Sat) and when I do something for 2 weeknights or half of Sunday he starts to get sulky because we never see each other and why do I have to be so busy all the time!?! Sigh! Plus I need to cook dinner before I go and wash up when I get back - basically I can do it, so long as it doesn't actually require anything much from him. Him tut tutting when I order a side of fries with my salad doesn't help when he's sitting down to surf and turf with the works. He also winges about how cranky I am when I'm on a diet! Seriously, make up your mind DH!

    I would really like him to put his money where his mouth is and actually DO more practical things to help. This will vary from couple to couple.

    One thing that has helped me in the past, and I know helps me to keep my weight quite stable, is knowing how many calories are in some foods. I use the .au Calorie King website and the first time I looked up a few things I was in shock!! Perhaps look up some of your favourite junk foods one evening with DH and comment "OMG look at this! there's more calories in a thick shake than big Mac! (or whatever)" as it may pique his interest and then you can look up some of your favourite meals together. You may be surprised that the 2nd bowl of pasta (depending on the sauce) has less calories than the healthy salmon steak, and he can eat it guilt free to feel full and stay away from the after-dinner munchies. Or swapping to mustard on his steak instead of Dianne sauce means he can have a row of chocolate for dessert and so on.

    Once again though, men hide their feelings but they do have them. Please approach this with tact and love, with some practical ideas to support changes.
    On your first point...my response would actually be the same if it was about a woman. DH and I, whilst neither of us have been overweight, we have had conversations with each other about our lifestyle habits (DH going through a stint of not exercising at all...and me going through stages of unhealthy eating). We keep each other in check, and we're pretty frank and honest with each other. So my advice is exactly what I would do with my DH.
    However, we do help each other. I think it's highly unfair of your DH to demand changes and then complain about having to take time out himself to enable you to make those changes, or expect you to eat a salad while he gorges himself. That's not fair, and DH and I don't do that to each other either. When I did a sugar detox (my addiction) I told DH he just couldn't have sugar in front of me...if he wanted to eat biscuits/chocolate he could do so at work (DH moderates his sugar control very well). After a few weeks I was okay with him eating sugar in front of me and told him so...to the point he had dessert one night when we were out and I was perfectly happy not having anything, but in the early weeks when the cravings were strong he never would have done that.
    DH and I have been together for a very long time and our bodies have changed...but *I* would struggle to be in a relationship with someone similar to the OP's husband. I'm sorry if that offends. It's not meant to. I realise it's a sensitive subject but I want a life partner who can come on a 30-50km bike ride with me on a Sunday afternoon, or will get up early and exercise with me before we start the day.
    I have friends (they do not have weight struggles, I am not implying anything here) who, as a couple, enjoy playing video games with each other, or have a movie marathon and pizza day when they're kid free. I would hate to spend my day like that. On the flip side, my friends hate to exercise and think DH and I are nuts!
    For me, it's far more of a lifestyle issue than a weight issue...I enjoy living a healthy and active life, and I want my life partner to enjoy those things, too. However, I think the op has the right to say that s.ex is uncomfortable for her due to the heaviness of her DH...she doesn't need to say she finds him unattractive, but the physical restraints to s.ex are something that I would mention. Each partner deserves to enjoy s.ex.
    I don't know if I just dug a hole deeper for myself, but I hope I explained where I'm coming from a bit better.

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  11. #16
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    How hard...im overweight myself...and i know....if IM not ready to take care of myself, nothing anyone can say or do will make me.
    however I do find if those around mms are making a conscious effort to eat well and exercise i will.

    I lost 25kgs in 6 months back in 2014 (since gained it back and then some...i also DO have a thyroid condition which complicates things a bit) but i just decided i was done... and i just went at it.

    It would also help me a lot if my partner was truly supportive of me (im not saying you aren't btw)...

    but my partner says he will support me, yet he won't help with the kids so i can exercise, won't even help get them ready for a walk or get the pram out for me, he doesnt understand portions nor healthy choices...etc etc. It would be amazing if he just understood the basics of healthy choices. But he doesn't.

    I think a caring and honest conversation is needed if subtle hints don't work....but you also need to be prepared to be strong and help him through it. Sadly it IS like an addiction for some...and is hard.

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  13. #17
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    I'm not sure what I'd do to be honest, but I thought it might help to hear a few things that have been successful for people in my life:

    My DP is overweight, but not hugely so. He's focused on the weight side of it, I'm focused on the health side. We both talked for some time about making good choices with regard to what/how much food he ate, and he set himself a 10 minute rule for seconds. I serve his meals - what I think is a reasonable serve - and if he wants seconds he has to wait 10 minutes until he serves it. By the time the 10 minutes is up, he's no longer hungry enough to eat more. It's literally cut his dinner serves by 1/2 to 2/3.

    My dad was quite overweight. He had surgery last year, and in order to do so had to lose weight. He did a few things... stopped drinking alcohol or fizzy drinks, stopped eating potato chips, cut down massively on meat & cheese, upped his vegetable intake and started going for long walks. He also has some exercise equipment that I think he actually started using. I guess for him though, the motivation was enough to overcome the temptation of the things that he enjoyed eating.

    Another family member lost a significant amount of weight by finding a sport she loved and participating regularly

    I guess the thing I'd be looking at is WHY is he in the position that he is... what are the motivations behind him making the choices that he does, and what motivations can be used to make healthier choices more appealing.

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  15. #18
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    He doesn't even need to exercise straight off the bat if he finds it too hard because of his size. If he just makes some changes ( like no fizzy drinks and chocolate to start. U would be amazed at what that would do) the weight will start to come off and he will get more motivated to exercise.

    Weight loss / weight gain is 80% what you put in your mouth

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  17. #19
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    It is a hard call.
    if my dh told me my weight made me less attractive to him, I'd be devo (and I am overweight). I need him to support me when I lose weight (eat the same, not by junk and eat in front of me. We did lite n easy together and lost about 10kg, since doing it oirselves we have put back on 5 kg (over Christmas), but are still trying.
    His motivation was when our son didn't fit on his lap at one Christmas.
    now I calorie count for both of us, make all lunches, try and keep under the limit.
    he cheats sometimes, and when annoyed I have told him he can cheat once a week if any more I'm not going to bother with all the time it takes. And we weigh in sat mornings and write in calendar every week.
    i also encourage him to ride his bicycle (it's been out of action for nearly two years) while I watch the kids on the weekend.
    Nit sure if any of this is helpful, but it what we are doing

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    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    On your first point...my response would actually be the same if it was about a woman. DH and I, whilst neither of us have been overweight, we have had conversations with each other about our lifestyle habits (DH going through a stint of not exercising at all...and me going through stages of unhealthy eating). We keep each other in check, and we're pretty frank and honest with each other. So my advice is exactly what I would do with my DH.
    However, we do help each other. I think it's highly unfair of your DH to demand changes and then complain about having to take time out himself to enable you to make those changes, or expect you to eat a salad while he gorges himself. That's not fair, and DH and I don't do that to each other either.
    DH and I both agree that we want to be a healthy and active family. On the whole he's still adjusting to the whole idea of the world not revolving around him (together 11+ years and our eldest is 9... He's clearly a slow learner! ) like I said, he just doesn't 'get' it. It's not with ill intent that he fails to support my weight loss efforts in any practical way, just the same as he doesn't "see" the two baskets of folding on the couch.

    But he is slowly getting better all around - he sees/does the folding half the time now, and he's realising that me being active and eating healthy (as well as working, parenting, etc etc) will require some effort/sacrifice from him too. I'm slowly learning to be more clear, explicit and firm in defining what I need from him as well (which can be hard when you're not sure yourself what you need to lose weight!).

    I don't want to seem like I am making excuses, it IS unfair, but we're both working on it. My main point of sharing my side of this type of conversation was to emphasise that the conversation is just the very starting point, they will need to work together to figure out what works. However much tact is needed or she may be faced with a total shut down on the topic.

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