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  1. #1
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    Default Help, relationship issues

    This isn't my usual profile as I'd like to keep this as discreet as possible. Not that many people would know me anyway, but just keeping things separate.

    I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with #2, my son turned 2 a couple of months ago. Anyway, DH and I have been together for 11 years at the end of this year and married for 5.

    In the beginning things were great, however, around 3 or so years in thereabouts, DH springs on to me that he is very interested in the back door *per say* and wanted to try all that that entails (with me). To which I agreed because I wanted to make him happy. I hate doing it, I always will and I don't know what to do. I have always been very straight up and down with my views on s*x/strippers etc etc, and am quite happy to just have heterosexual v s*x or feel like I could just happily have nothing at all (not even myself) at the moment. Which according to DH makes me a boring prude.

    DH's love language is through s*x and being intimate, and we are struggling and have been struggling for a few years with s*x drives that are completely opposite ends of the chart. I don't know what to do, he bottles it up and then we go through the same cycle every 3 months or so. It seems to be getting worse and more frequent at the moment and I just don't know what to do . I love him and he's a great man, but I just can't bring myself to change my views on those things, and it seems that neither can he. He can't live without s*x and I probably could.

    Help! I feel like there is nowhere IRL I can discuss this because it seems so...wrong? I don't know, maybe I am a prude.
    Last edited by Analogousturtle; 21-01-2017 at 22:44.

  2. #2
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    Default Help, relationship issues

    So is it v s.ex or a.nal or both that you can't be bothered?

    What does he say when you say you don't like a.nal?

  3. #3
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    I don't think you're a prude at all. Being 34 weeks pregnant probs isn't a great time for DH to be pushing for the back door action either.

    I guess I can probably more relate to your DH here. My language of love is also intimacy where as my DP is happy to go a week+ without. When we have no intimacy, I feel emotional, somewhat lonely and start to question why. We try to compromise so I'm not making him uncomfortable with my constant displays of physical affection but also not feeling lonely and emotional.

    I'm definitely not saying you should agree to back door if you don't want to do it...but maybe there's a compromise where each week you have a "date night" or he helps with the kids then you have some "cuddle time"?

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    Thanks for the replies @BigRedV and @dreamingofnumber3
    @BigRedV , I happily engage in v.s*x, however, I guess my libido is kind of non existant, so if I was by myself it probably wouldn't even cross my mind? He reckons he'll "just have to live with it" but I know that he'll get depressed or angry or a bit of both if that were to happen.
    @dreamingofnumber3 the backdoor has been happening for ages, not terribly regularly...particularly as I try to avoid it. TBH, all action atm is fairly low on my priority list, I feel like a huge whale, I'm tired, my body hurts *whinge whinge, moan moan*

    I'm a physical touch person with my love language too, except mine is hugging/touching in general as such, whereas his is intimacy. I do feel awful that I don't meet his needs very well, maybe it's a body image thing? I don't know :/

    He leaves for work 7am and comes back 5:30/6pm most nights, so the one night a week I get to "myself" is Sundays where I start my work earlier while he does dinner and bath. Every other night, I do dinner/bath for my son and then after we eat, I do my work, he does his, boom it's 10:30/11pm and pregnant whale is tired. I guess that'll stop soon when I start mat leave thankfully.

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    I feel like I could have written something very similar to this. My libido has been non existent for the last 3 years. It's hard to find the balance between too little that he ends up frustrated and feeling alone vs too much and I cry in the shower afterwards. It's bad to a point where I even try to change when he isn't in the room, or I'll stall and then quickly change my pants while he looks at his phone as I just don't want to be naked near him to reduce the chances of him asking. It's horrible.
    I am not big on kissing, hugging etc at all, but now that is non existent too for the same reason, I don't want to "give him any ideas". We have an otherwise fantastic marriage but just struggle with this.

    I saw a mental health nurse for a while and read some books but got sick of the "you'll be fine once you start" attitude because it's not like that at all. I hate it as much during as I do at the start. Now I kind of just lay there and wait for it to finish. I imagine it must suck for my husband but I don't know what else to do.

    I tried a phase where I would just say yes. To try get out of the habit of saying no. That was probably the worst. There ended up being a lot of a..l which hubby knew beforehand that I always refuse to do, but somehow seemed to forget. Until one day halfway through I just lost it at him, stormed off and refused to come out of the toilet for an hour, crying. He has only asked once since and quickly retracted it. But I think the "yes phase", despite being recommended in books because of the previously mentioned "you'll like it once you start" theory did a whole lot more damage than good so I really don't recommend it. I ended up just feeling like a thing. A worthless set of holes. I would just cry in the shower afterwards every time and I found I would just go straight to bed after the shower and I couldn't even talk to him. He would try to snuggle or spark up conversations and I couldn't even look at him.

    I don't really have any advice. And I'm sorry for the long winded novel. I guess I was just trying to point out that you're definitely not alone and that there definitely isn't an easy answer.

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    I know exactly what you mean @Ahalfdozen I feel like you could've written about me too. Sometimes I try and wait out my husband going to sleep so I don't have to feel like he's waiting for me for something...but no matter how late I am, sometimes he's still awake.

    We are the same, aside from the s*x issues, everything else is great, although I am far too much of an optimist, so he probably disagrees with this. Yep, he reckons I should research or try new things with it but I just don't want to. I'm exactly the same, I sit and count and wait for it to be over. I agree, I just feel like a piece of meat too. He says that me not being "involved" upsets him, yet we continue to do it, I can't even look at him while it happens...I don't get it at all.

    I want him to be happy, but it just makes me feel so empty inside.

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    Default Help, relationship issues

    In regards to trying something new.. Why don't you buy a big dildo and see if hubby is happy for you to stick it up his ar**se.. See if he is happy to take it., I suspect not.

    Since having my bub.. Who is 2.5 and being now pregnant.. Sex is the last thing on my mind.. Being in the late stages of pregnancy., I wouldn't expect things .. Ie your libido.. to change any time soon for you too.. Based on how I was feeling in the last trimester!

    Good luck


 

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