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  1. #11
    Busy-Bee's Avatar
    Busy-Bee is offline Offending people since before Del :D
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    You've just described my nightmare.
    Those first few weeks are precious, especially when it's your first baby. You need time and space to learn the basics like nappy changing, bathing and dressing your baby. You may be recovering from birth for a while and may need space to do so. (Eg if you have a bad tear you may need to shower regularly.) You do NOT need someone in your ear about how things *should* be done!! You need the time and space to work out how YOU want things to be done, how YOU want to approach feeding, nappies, sleeping, cuddles etc.

    As for learning to breastfeed, after 2 babies I say giving birth is a walk in the park compared to learning to breastfeed! I don't want to put you off at all, I'm very pro-boob but for many women it can be a real challenge and you need to surround yourself with supportive people if you want to succeed. It can take weeks or even months to master. There are reasons why breastfeeding rates are low and one if them is that learning to breastfeed a newborn can be frikkin hard, as in the biggest challenge of your life. It's quite common for newborns to feed for hours every day (12 x 1 hour or more feeds per 24 hours is very normal). The idea of having my boobs out for that long with visitors in the house is hell. Have a plan in place for when you have questions (eg call the ABA helpline).

    Over the years I have been on bubhub I have read that when someone has a newborn, visitors should be brief, no more than 15 minutes at a time. That is the polite thing to do.

    Perhaps speak to your midwife about some advice. You really need to get your DH on board though. Perhaps ask him to read this thread and the responses?

    Taking your first newborn home is scary. You (both you and your DH) need to spend time getting to know your newborn. You will learn what their little cries mean, how they like to be held, how they like to be rocked etc. You don't need any visitors staying in the house for this period. Put them off for AT LEAST 2 months.

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  3. #12
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    I wouldn't be wanting 3 people staying straight away either. If your DF won't listen to you, get the Midwife or your OB to talk to him about it. Most men have no clue what it is like, so it may just be that he doesn't understand how you will be feeling, how it takes a while for your body to recover, that you won't be getting much sleep etc.

    If he is adamant though, I'd let them come the day Bub is born. They can stay while you are in hospital for a few days (and you can ask the staff to only let them stay 15-30 mins at a time), MIL can clean without you being there and they can stay ONE night when you get home and then bugger off. The bonding for grandparents is important, but not nearly as important as letting new parents find their feet and do their own bonding.

    If MIL can't stay in one of the bedrooms, I'd be getting a mattress/blow up and she can sleep in the study too. That way you have a chair/couch for feeds and can be comfortable. Newborns can take a while to feed and you don't want to be giving yourself a bad back/neck!

  4. #13
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    This might sound silly, but maybe show him this thread. Maybe if he understands that your desire to have time as a family is not unusual and a group of mums who have been through this have shared what it was like for them he might be more realistic about his expectations for you.

    You're in this together!

    I also like @Californication suggestion above. Have them stay before you get home so they can have visits and your MIL can clean to her heart's content but you won't be there to hear it.
    The hospital staff will help you sort them out to avoid them staying too long

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  6. #14
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    I found family the greatest help in those early weeks with my 1st as I was REALLY struggling. But I would not want anyone staying in my house. Is it possible for you to pay for or split the cost of a holiday rental nearby? That would be best case scenario in my view.

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    Ah no!!
    Like pp said this stresses me reading it!
    And it happened to me. Well sort of. It was my third child but my husbands first and first grandchild for his mother.
    She was supposed to be there for the birth but thank God my daughter arrived early and messed up her plans to be at my house before she was born! It made me miserable and would have just been a nightmare if I was a first time mum. I had my own mother close by and just asked her for all I needed anyway. I think I made myself pretty clear! As a first time mum you don't have those confidences.

    This needs to be stopped now. Your husband needs to respect your feelings at this time. I hope he will see reason. If he cares for you he should tell his mother no to staying over and help work something else out.
    Pp suggestion of staying near by is good and on the condition they come by when invited.
    If you are stressed out in your post partum period it could cause all sorts of problems and it's compelety unreasonable imo. The mother should be given the choice of everything that goes on in those new and tender days. It's a huge adjustment especially with your first.

    Best of luck, sincerely!

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    No. No no no. Just don't do it!

    Honestly, your partner needs to have your back. It may be fine, but it may not. It may be one of the most vulnerable and intimate times of your life, and you may forever hold it against your partner if he won't back you up. Don't let them stay. Seriously.

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  11. #17
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    Oh also, if your husband refuses to man up (mine sulks when I ask him to speak to his family, he often doesn't get things that bother me unfortunately), do you have a close friend or family member who will advocate for you?
    If my husband wouldn't settle this for me I would tell him I was going over him and doing it myself. It would be that important to me.
    Hope it doesn't get that far for you though

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    Umm no.

    The most important thing for you, bub and your DF is to spend time alone to bond. As in seriously bond.

    Visits are negotiable. Staying in a place so small together is not ok.

    Babies get so overwhelmed at that age. Honestly especially the first few days I think the most important thing for all of you is to just bond. Cuddle skin to skin (as in take off shirt - this is really helpful with BF).

    Not only that but it kinda hurts after birth. You feel a bit weird here and there and honestly you want quiet and space.

    If you could swing it, get them to visit a week after the birth. They should stay elsewhere and only visit when you and bub are comfortable.

  14. #19
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    Don't do it.

    Did you or DH invite them or have they invited themselves? If it's the later it's so rude. And over stepping boundaries. You need to put your foot down now or else everything regarding your baby will be about them boundary stomping in the future.

    Tell your DH you are not having visitors stay with you on the first 6-8 weeks. It's not negotiable. Is he going to stay home help manage/entertain his family and take care of housework etc? If he doesn't respect your need for time and privacy and insists they visit he either needs to tell them they can stay in the hotel and too bad if they are offended or you go and stay. Make sure your needs are met as a priority.

    How long are they planning to stay?

  15. #20
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    Agree with previous poster.

    First talk to your DH and tell him that you need your space. It's not up for discussion.

    First baby and first BF experience is all about boobs out haha
    And the post partum bleeding and the clothes that don't fit.

    You don't want other people living with you in those first weeks.

    Don't give people any reason. If you do they will feel that it is up for discussion and will try to reason with you.
    It's not up for discussion, you need your space. Be tranquille in your idea and own your opinion.
    Obv DH needs to back you up.

    Can the visitors look for an Airbnb close to your house? So that they can easily pop in when you're ready? Or even better you can visit them (so that you don't have the issue of kicking them out at the end of a visit haha)


 

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