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  1. #1
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    Default Very clingy 10 month old?

    Hi again everyone,
    So this time it's about clingy-NESS. My bub is almost 10m, she is crawling and standing unassisted, soon she will be walking. Over the last week or so she has become very clingy to me.
    If I leave her with a friend she'll cry for a few minutes and stop. She will happily play on the floor for huge lenghts of time when she is being babysat. But, if I am in the room she is constantly trying to follow me around and pull herself up on me or climb on me and crying.
    She doesn't do it to anyone else and I know 'separation anxiety' is normal at this age but not sure if how I'm dealing with it is right. I will try to play with her, read her books etc then talk to her and tell her what I'm doing "mummy has to go into the kitchen now" blah blah blah. But as soon as I stand up to leave she cries and tries to follow me. She used to be fine and would just sit there and play with her toys or find something else to entertain herself with but now she constantly wants to be with me if I am around.
    When said issue arises I tell her "oh, your being a naughty girl, do you want to go to bed?..... Stop your crying or you will go to your bed"
    If she doesn't I take her to her cot and leave her there for approx 10 mins.
    I will then check her, sometimes she is still crying, I say to her "do you want to come back out? You have to stop that if you want to come out" if she stops I pick her up and bring her back to the living room sit on the floor and do as previously explained. It ends up being a huge cycle.
    Am I doing the right thing?
    I know there is nothing physically wrong with her that could be the cause, she is not hungry, dirty, tired etc.
    Hubby says none of his other kids have been like it but he thinks what I am doing is right.
    I'm not sure what else. I don't smack he in this case. Just take her to her bed and let her cry for a while.
    Any advice?
    Thanks..

  2. #2
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    Default Very clingy 10 month old?

    Separation anxiety is very normal in babies this age but I think the way you're handling it could be making things worse.

    Explaining to your baby what you are doing is great but I don't believe a 10 month old is being naughty and definitely not to be punished (put in cot) for doing so. At that age I used safety gates to block off areas that weren't safe (kitchen, laundry etc) so that I could still be seen and could still talk to my baby but my baby couldn't get in harms way.

    Another thing you could do is put her in a playpen with toys etc so she can't follow you but still keep talking to her and popping back into the room every couple of minutes just to reassure her that you're still there.


    They are not being naughty and it's not a naughty behavior. It's at times like this they need reassurance and to be made to feel safe. By telling her she is naughty and putting her in the cot until she stops crying isn't going to help her feel the way she needs to move on from having separation anxiety.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 14-01-2017 at 16:40.

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    This sounds really normal. Have you tried taking her with you? For example if you need to work in the kitchen, putting her in the high chair with some cups or something or on the floor. Talk and sing to her. Tell her what you are doing.

    I dont mean to be harsh but she is still really really really little. She's a baby. She loves you. She probably doesnt understand why she is being put in a cot and told she is naughty when she wants to be with you.

    I'd try to distract or involve her in what you are doing. Its going to take a while for her to learn to entertain herself.

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  6. #4
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    First off I know exactly how you feel. My dd is very clingy and wants to be held ALL day. She is 16 months but has been like this since she was young.
    I don't have any tips on how to get your daughter to play independently, but thought you should know that when using time out the length of time should be 1 min per year old. For example a 3 yr old would be in time out for 3 mins. I think a baby being in time out for 10 mins is too long. Maybe some other mums on the forum may suggest different useful techniques to help your child become more confident to play solo
    I will be following for tips too

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    I have safety gates everywhere and open plan so she can always see me. I have a baby back pack but I feel that having her attached to me all the time would be a step backwards in trying to get her to know I am a separate person and that she can do things by herself.
    I don't believe she really 'wants to be with me' as I know there is nothing wrong with her and if I am completely out of the picture she is absolutely fine. I try to keep her involved if I go into the kitchen by talking to her etc but as soon as I stand up she starts crying and that's it.

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    Default Very clingy 10 month old?

    I suggest you do some reading up on separation anxiety in babies or ask your maternal child health nurse/doctor on some ways to help your dd. I can almost guarantee that calling her naughty and putting her in her cot for 10mins are not the best ways to help her and you cope and move past it.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 14-01-2017 at 19:08.

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    While I understand your need for her to be independent - forcing her to be so is going to have the opposite effect. Children (not babies) become independent when they are securely attached to their primary caregiver. By putting her in her cot and telling her she is naughty you are in fact creating insecurity.

    She is a baby she does not have the same motivations as adults. When you say you don't believe she really wants to be with you I can assure you that are you are very wrong. Just because she can spend time with other adults or carers does not mean she doesn't need you.

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    First off, I don't call children naughty, as it's not them personally that you don't like, it's their behaviour. Children aren't able to recognise that you are referring to the behaviour, not them. She's still very young but it's good practice to get into by starting good communication skills now. Try something along the lines of "I understand it's hard not being with me all the time but I need to cook dinner and it's very hot in the kitchen".

    If you want to give choices, try something positively worded like "If you play nicely while I cook dinner, then we can read a book when I'm finished".

    As for time out, 10 months is very very young. She wouldn't have the understanding for it to be of benefit. Often parents that do use time out only sit them out for the number of minutes that match their age. ie if they are 5, they sit out for 5 minutes.

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  15. #9
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    Hi, @CountryMumkin, welcome to BH. I find your OP a little alarming, so please excuse my bluntness - I'm just trying to be super clear.

    No, you are not doing the right thing, for a number of reasons. Separation anxiety peaks at around 10 months. It is normal. It is not a chosen behaviour that can be labelled as naughty. A ten month child does not have the ability to regulate her emotions and stop crying on demand. My four year-old can't. Punishing her is sending the reverse message of what you are intending, and ten minutes is far too long. You need to change your mindset to assume that she will cry when you aren't around, and focus on strategies to manage this and help her to feel secure.

    When you say she's crying even though there is 'nothing wrong', you are mistaken. The something wrong is that you aren't there, and she is still too young to understand that you will be back. She doesn't have the same sense of time as we do. She is an infant attached to her mother, and this means you have fostered a strong relationship where she feels and depends on your love and trust. You do not want her to feel that she can't depend on you, because she will cling to you harder, and will likely go through distress and uncertainty.

    It's great that you are communicating with her and spending time being close to her. If you need to leave her for a short time, she won't die if left to cry for a couple of minutes. Even if she cries for you when someone else comforts her, she is still being comforted and looked after. It's not solely up to you to care for her, even if you feel pressured by her tears.

    Having said the above, I see that you are quite young, and I think it's so wonderful that you are seeking advice and reassurance on this forum. How are you coping with motherhood? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you feeling ok in general? I ask because the separation anxiety stage can be exhausting and frustrating, and I want to make sure that you're alright.

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    I understand what you are all saying but it's not when I am gone that she is crying, it is when I am there and not constantly holding her.
    As for coping, I am doing well. I have great support and hubby is taking time off work to be with me and bub.


 

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