When your spouse isn't pulling their weight

[MummyToMissE]

Hi Mummies,

So i'm having issues with my significant other regarding him not pulling his weight as a parent and as a partner.
We have been together for 11 years and engaged for 3.
Our relationship has been a positive one for the majority of these years with a few hiccups here and there.
We have a wonderful Daughter who is 16 months old.
He literally does nothing to help out around the house, rarely spends time with us as a family as he is either working doing cash work (tradie) or working on his money pit of a car!.
I love being a mum but man its exhausting! Sometimes i feel as though I am a single parent. I look after all bills, Rent, Food shopping and meal planning, cooking, Cleaning, Daycare drop offs and pick ups (i am working part time). I am also the one who looks after the outdoorsy stuff like mowing the lawn and weeding the garden ect... Call me crazy but I am a extremely house proud person who likes to keep a tidy home. he just seems so lazy and un inspired to do anything (apart from his hobbies like working on the car, going 4 wheel driving bLAH BLAH BLAH).
I Feel myself starting to resent him as I don't believe he is meeting me half way or even a quarter of the way.
I have brought this to his attention only weeks ago as i had a crazy lady melt down as i was exhausted working silly christmas hours staring work at 5am.
he agreed with everything i said to him and even went on to say he couldn't argue because i was right and that he would change. He mentioned the holidays he had coming up and that he would make more of an effort and help me out more.
my 1 week off has gone and he still has 2 weeks.
I get home from work and he isn't home, he is having car troubles and is stuck at his parents house. the house was a brothel! babies dirty poo nappy still next to the change table from this morning, breakfast stuff all over the kitchen, bathroom like a bomb had hit it and he has used the toilet and there was crap all over the bowl and it had hardened so needed a soaking!
seriously WTF he is 30 years of age not bloody 10! I come home from a 8.5 hour day to literally clean his Sh*t?
what can i do. I love him and don't want to leave him but cannot continue this way or i will go insane. how can i approach these issues again and let him know i mean business? I am not one for confrontation but I am so frustrated I cannot think straight. I am sorry for the novel ladies and i hope it all makes sense. I have been up since 5am and finally have a minute to sit as bubby is in bed. (fiance is still not home) Thanks ladies for letting me get this of my chest Xx

[VicPark]

Hey hun if you don't want a confrontation maybe start out with a general discussion about expected household standards. No one person is right - perhaps a compromise can be reached. Trying to maintain a perfect house with a young toddler - you will send yourself crazy. I am house proud but had to let go once kids came along.

Once you both agree on standards, maybe right a list and both agree on a division of duties.
(Trying to assign someone else duties before standards have been agreed to will end in conflict).

Good luck

[delirium]

I think as women we are raised to not cause waves, to go about things in the path of least resistance. Bc women that don't shut their mouths and just do everything are naggy ball breakers.

Stop feeling like you have to creep around this, like you are at fault or you are asking the world. My DH works FT, I'm a SAHM with a growing home business. We *both* work FT. He does do stuff around the house and he's excellent with the kids. But when he starts to slip I tell him I'm worn out just as he is, I work just as he does, and to get off his rear end and help!

It sounds like between you job and the house, you are working more hours than him. Tell him that. Write down everything you do in a day from opening your eyes to closing them. Then tell him to pull his finger out and help!

[ICanDream]

Write him lists! My DH can slip terribly and I start to resent him. We have a whiteboard (was supposed to be for the kids stuff) but I write him stuff I need him to do. It sounds childish but it seems to be the push he needs.

[Hopeful37]

I'm frustrated for you reading this. You are doing EVERYTHING!

Has anything gotten better since he said he would change? Tell him you are tired of cleaning up after him and you'd doubt any other woman would clean up his sh*t so he needs to pull the finger out and have a little respect!
The resentment is definitely going to build if he doesn't

[Unschooling4]

Ugh this sounds similar to my ex. He did work 8am to 4pm Monday to Friday but when he was home on weekends and nights he did nothing, just sat and played video games. Hardly spent any time with me and the kids either so when I finally did leave him I already knew how being a single mum felt like...

I don't really have any advice because my current partner isnt lazy and will clean if O really need him too. Writing lists is a great idea or you could just tidy up your mess and the baby's. He really needs to go back and live with his mummy.

[MummyToMissE]

Thank you for your replies ladies!
I think that lists are a great idea and I am totally willing to give them a go.
In all honesty I don't even think it occurs to him how much work goes into keeping a house hold?
I have a wonderful relationship with his parents but I don't think they did him any favours growing up as his mother did everything for him until he moved out with me when he was 22.
I will try and have a conversation with him tonight as he rolled in at about 3am this morning (face palm) seriously??? I just feel like sometimes his laziness in life holds us back from greater things. Hence he proposed after 9 years, 3 years later still not married. Didn't have an engagement party like I wanted to because he wasn't into it. This relationship is not 50/50 it's all about him and I'm just running on empty trying to do it all.
I have to get ready for work at 6:30am so must fly but I thank you all so much for your advise I really appreciate it xx

[Hopeful37]

Let us know how you go after your chat. Good Luck xx

[Mod-Degrassi]

I would start allocating him tasks.

He has already acknowledged that he doesn't do enough to help you, so he shouldn't be shocked when you start expecting more from him.

I would buy a whiteboard or blackboard and write down his jobs for the day. Perhaps just one or two things to begin with. Once he gets into the routine of having jobs to complete, you can add more. Start small and build up.

It is time for him to step up and make the effort to change. Just be consistent and hold your ground.

[MummyToMissE]

Hi ladies, we didn't have our chat last night as he again was not home. More car issues!
He still wasn't in by 11pm and I must have fallen asleep after then. I will try again tonight after I get home from work, that's if he is even around???
Thanks again ladies xx