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  1. #11
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    I have moved a LOT - twice our rentals have been put on the market a month after we moved in, once the owner passed away and we were in a strange limbo, all sorts of scenarios. No yard, electic fences, directly opening onto waterways, to small, too big, too hot, cold, you name it!

    But you know what, every house always felt like our home - because we were all there (even if DH was working long hours). Sure there were plenty of "I wish I could change..." things and there have always been times when I'm shizzy with DH and dread coming home and having to look at him, but home has always been home no matter how imperfect the building/grounds.

    I've read lots of your threads and more and more little things sound so much like the sorts of things my dad would say/do - he was very abusive and controlling. It was mostly verbal and emotional but it did escalate into physical violence when my mum started working then studying (and standing up for herself, giving herself some self worth) as he decided she needed to know her place.

    I'm appalled that he lets your older kids disrespect you (and that they have clearly seen him role modelling this behaviour), that he doesn't seem to ever compromise, that you seem to be a passenger in the car of your life that he is driving. And yes, jaw hit the floor that he took your 2yo out and let her out of his sight, let alone not knowing at all where she was!

    I don't think it's really any of our place to tell you to leave him (though I am tempted to say this). You have clearly been deeply unhappy for some time and I would recommend you take action to identify the root causes, so you can take action to rectify them. He may be the root, or it could be something within you (or both).

    Your GP will be able to get you onto a Health Plan which entitles you to 5 discounted sessions with a psychologist (some will do free sessions but make them run for a shorter time too). Your DH does not need to know you are doing this, take the toddler so you can go mid week (and the iPad, a mountain of snacks etc etc) as this is about you, you working out the truth that is laying deep in your heart but is covered by layers of mundane, bothersome little issues. Good luck!

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  3. #12
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    Thanks for the replies. I think I made things sound worse than they are as I've been thinking about us getting back "home" after 2 weeks away and not knowing how to improve things. Things had been much better. He's really trying to connect with our 2 year old. The thing on the road sounds worse than it was it's a quiet street he just sees no dangers - she had wandered into our neighbors house. His parents are like that, they think I'm over protective even when I warned them in a cafe when dd1 was 2 to watch her closely I was the one who had to run out the door after her when she ran into the street! His parents have that same gender division of house stuff and his dad is often dismissive of his mum even though she's a strong woman. She told me a while ago re the house that I had to go about it differently- like be sneaky don't discuss things just make changes or find alternatives.
    But overall what I realise is that even though things start to get better we never dealt with any of these issues over the last couple of years so we exist on this weird superficial level.
    I've tried to see a few psychologists. I usually end up talking about now minor issues with kids and they don't help me. I think when I describe my family situation they think it's not surprising I'm stressed / depressed!
    I think I'll get some new locks for the doors to start. We've been there for 5 years and even imaginative friends and a having a landscape architect to look at the outside hasn't helped. It's just not a good house for young kids. He likes being on a safe cul de sac and just doesn't care about how I feel about the house cus me talking about things equals me complaining. I just think he doesn't want to have the hassle of moving. The house will be suitable when the kids are older...
    I am getting the kids involved in basic housework with a plan to build on that so they are more self sufficient. I might use these last 3 weeks of school hols to try and declutter. I find in school term it's all so hectic with school runs and after school activities to even get basics done.

  4. #13
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    Just read that huff post and don't think that's our issue. We have 1 joint account he barely skims statements. It's only this thing with the house that has made me feel that I'm not having a say but if I was earning he couldn't use that "we can't afford it" excuse! Maybe if I start spending a fortune on stuff for the house to help improve it he might take notice??

  5. #14
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    Would you like to be working? Could that improve things for you? Even part time to give you a break from the house and kids? Sorry if its not a good suggestion, just an idea : )

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  7. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    Thanks for the replies. I think I made things sound worse than they are as I've been thinking about us getting back "home" after 2 weeks away and not knowing how to improve things. Things had been much better. He's really trying to connect with our 2 year old. The thing on the road sounds worse than it was it's a quiet street he just sees no dangers - she had wandered into our neighbors house.
    Hun don't downplay your feelings - your post history says they are not a one off. Your hubby helping and making you happy is the one off.

    Please don't make light of your kid running off unsupervised and the role your DH played in that. There could have been a really tragic outcome. Your hubby needs to pull his finger out and address whatever was the cause so it doesn't happen again.

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  9. #16
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    What VicPark said. Many of your posts demonstrate how unhappy you are, but you now seem to have back flipped. Is it because of the holiday? Things are always better when you're away from reality, but sadly it doesn't last. Also, your comment DH is starting to try to bond with your two year old. It's taken TWO YEARS?

    A question to ask yourself, does your DH make you happy? And does he do anything specifically to improve things when you express your unhappiness? If not, that's a huge red flag to me. A marriage is a partnership, one needs to pick the other up when they're down. No one persons happiness should trump the others.

    What exactly are you getting out of your marriage that is positive? Maybe think about that & it might help you balance the negative & get a new perspective?

  10. #17
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    Clutter makes me all twitchy too, when my life is orderly I feel happy and on top of things.
    Organise a declutter, order a skip bin and fill it, donate to charity, have a garage sale.
    Any parts of the house that are not being used, clean and close the door, have an area or the house dedicated to the kids and toys and try to contain the chaos to this area.
    In regards to the pool, can all the children swim? If not organise immediate swimming lessons.
    You also need to do some things for you, organise a baby sitter or regular daycare days and do things that you like to do, it sounds like you would like to get back in the work force, a course or some volunteer work might assist with this or if peace and quiet is what you need put your feet up on those days and get lost in a good book or treat yourself to a pamper session.
    You have been so unhappy for so long, I think you might just be in survival mode, hopefully just some small changes help for now, in time you might feel confident with some bigger changes.
    Hugs Freyamum

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