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  1. #1
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    Default When your house is not a home...

    I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this? I'm just curious as to what makes other people's houses not feel like home and how they deal with that? We live in a big house in a safe area, but the house is not safe for my 2.5yr old. It's too big for me to look after so we live in a pigsty. The older kids (and dp) leave the front door open, we have no back yard, having a pool scares the crap out of me so I have to watch dd2 like a hawk at all times. I can never relax. I find it completely ludicrous that we own this house that's apparently "worth" 1mil+ but it feels more like a prison than a home to me. But the worst part is that I'm not allowed to talk about any of the house issues with dp. Cus he sees no problems (he's gone 7-7). He's never even looked after all 3 kids for more than an hour or 2 if that. He takes ms2 out with him and wanders home asking me did she come home! They were up on the road together. He's completely irresponsible i can't leave him alone with them, but he'd say I'm just over protective. Sure what could happen with a 2 year wandering on the road?!?!
    I need a simple house with little enclosed yard.
    So apparently I need to find a job and earn money to have a voice in our house. He didn't want me to work because it suits him not to have to ever do any school/daycare pick ups but otherwise he will shut down every attempt of me to discuss this with the we can't afford to move crap. So I'm stuck. Finding time to study is near impossible but after 9 years I have to refresh skills for any chance of a job. Honestly i might have more control of my life living on my own off benefits.

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    Hugs Hun.

    Does your pool have fencing? Ours does and our back doors have extra security too now.

    I would first of all enforce locks at the top of the door. Where you can reach but kids can't.

    Do u have a front fence?

    If your husband doesn't want to move and it's making u depressed that's sad. There is lots of government courses. Can u look into those? What did u used to do.

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    Default When your house is not a home...

    @Freyamum I'm sorry you're feeling trapped - almost hostage in your own home. For those of us with partners - they're so important when they're helpful and actually parent. Having a partner who is uncaring and lazy is dangerous and angst inducing. It can only break us down bit by bit.

    If you have tried talking, and explained how you're feeling - are there little things around the house than can be changed to make u feel safer? More baby gates? In terms of cleaning, it's a tricky one but perhaps kids can help, or keep big plastic tubs in rooms so at least you can chuck the mess into them. A big clean out where u tell kids to put stuff away or it goes to salvos (and follow through) is a good motivator. Same with crockery! Go through cupboards and throw old or chipped things out. Isolate times each day to clean different rooms - declutter - it's such a good feeling to throw things out! Also,
    Perhaps on the job issues - are you able to find something that's casual one night or weekend day week? a bookshop or help at a school, something near by just to get out of the house. I find friends of friends usually know if someone who needs a spare pair of hands doing something. Good luck! Hang in there! Even the tiniest step is a step in the right direction.

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    Is there ways to make the house safer? Like putting up a gate or two in certain areas to stop your youngest from getting to front/back doors or stairs?

    Also teaching your eldest kida to clean up/close doors etc.

    Let their rooms and playroom be their responsibility. The only tots allowed in the playroom would be toys that are safe for all kids. Any unsafe toys left there can be 'binned/confiscated'.

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    Sorry to hear that... i hope your dh can get on board so you can maybe move to a more practical house or at least put in place some solutions.

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    That sucks that he won't listen to your concerns.

    You are the one that is home most of the time, so you have every right to have your voice be heard.

    What does he particularly love about your current house? If it's worth 1M+, surely downsizing will save you money?

    Perhaps you could look online at some alternative houses and show him that there are nice houses out there that better meet your needs.

    I'm not sure what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I'd just feel trapped and awful that my partner didn't value my opinion because I didn't have a paid job.

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    hi freyamum, I know you have many troubles, and your happiness has been hard to find for awhile. some suggestions, can you restrict the rooms you use in the house so that the area to clean is smaller. ? Can you put up safety gates or some safe barriers, so the little one is more protected.? Can you de clutter, or put things into sealed boxes so what is not needed, or not used often, is actually put out of reach. Can you organise your week, so you have one day for laundry, one day for cleaning the bathroom? that sort of thing, just so you can feel more in control, because you have this chore done on this day.
    Your partner is pretty much absent, even when he is home he doesn't do anything to help you. This is not a satisfactory relationship. No matter where you lived, if you were still with this man you would not be any happier. I am so sad for you. Please start to think about making your own way and doing what makes you happy and your children happy. hugs, marie.

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    Good advice Super Granny. freyamum - you have been unhappy with your house for sometime now even though various hubbers offering various suggestions. Perhaps issues with hubby are the underlying cause?

    Look after yourself, **put yourself first** don't compromise on what you feel is appropriate care for your kids (I would be furious if hubby came home without my young one!) and the house thing will sort itself out.

    Good luck.

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    Could we see some photos of the house and maybe we could help?

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    Default When your house is not a home...

    Hugs OP. This has been a long standing issue for you.

    This article may ring true for you, I know based on your past threads number 1 and possibly parts of number 2 would be relevant. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5627463

    I'm sorry to say but you are in an abusive relationship. He is manipulating you and blackmailing you into doing everything he wants to make his life easier. It is all about what works for him and he has no concern for you.

    And to go for a walk with your 2 year old and come back without her, how on earth did that happen? I really hope I'm not overstepping the mark here and please tell me if I am (I will delete this part), but you have said that he didn't want you to have her and wanted you to have an abortion. He's always expected you to look after her 100% and most of the time he acts like she doesn't even exist. Is it possible at all he did this on purpose? He has a total lack of respect for you or concern over your youngest's welfare.

    To be honest, I would be making plans to leave if I were you. Your husband is abusive. You do everything yourself, your older children don't respect you because of the fact he lets them get away with everything as he lets them do no housework or anything to help. He wants you to do it ALL and you do.

    Do you get anything out of your relationship with him? Do you still love him? Care for him? Are you attracted to him? Do you enjoy his company?

    Are you at the point where you think you could leave or are you hoping to fix things?

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation but your husband isn't going to change. You've clearly talked to him about it, yet he doesn't seem to care. So it seems even small changes to the house won't change your life, and if you can't convince him to buy/rent a new house, you're pretty much stuck with 2 options. Stay and be miserable, or leave and give yourself the chance to make the changes in your life you need to be happy.
    Last edited by A-Squared; 05-01-2017 at 15:48.

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