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  1. #1
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    Default Family dynamics changed...kinda vent

    So at the start last year i went back to school and started a new career. I figured it was my time as i had been a SAHM for 7 years.

    Fast forward one year and im working part time now at a job im extremely passionate about and am gaining experience and loving it all. Kids are in full time school and becoming more and more independent every day.

    So basically ive gone from a full time SAHM to a working part time and STILL EXPECTED to be a full time SAHM too. IN other words...DH hasnt stepped up and taken his share of the household so im doing it ALL.

    Im begining to resent DH cos hes so bloody lazy and he still expects me to do all the household chores as well as work 20 hours a week (which is mostly evenings).

    Im sick of it. I get home to dishes in the sink and have to do them in the morning, he doesnt cook (if i dont cook dinner before i go to work he gets take away for dinner), he doesnt pick up his clothes (or remind the kids to put their clothes in the laundry), he doesnt do laundry or even tidy the lounge room. Basically if i dont do it it doesnt get done.

    Ive said to him that he either steps up or im NOT working part time and he can work longer hours to keep us going financially.

    Its a change in family dynamics and DH is not stepping up and i CANT DO IT ALL MYSELF!!!

  2. #2
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    Ca you do a roster? Men aren't good at guessing so making it as simple as possible may help?

    How old are your kids? If they are in full time school surely they can chip in and put their own clothes in the laundry?

    Good luck

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  4. #3
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    Default Family dynamics changed...kinda vent

    Men just don't realise! I'm sure (or at least I'd hope!) he isn't doing this to spite you, and he doesn't concsciously believe it's all up to you. Have you tried having an honest and open conversation with him about how you feel?

    I went through this to a certain extent. I went from working casually (6-9 hrs a week) to working 20 hours, and DP was the same. If you've always done everything, they don't realise exactly what gets done, and the work that goes into it! Nothing has changed in their life. You need to let him know exactly what it is you do to make your lives run smoothly, and how you feel about having to do all that plus work so many extra hours. Ask him which jobs he feels ok with taking over (in my experience, simply telling him to 'step up' won't be very effective).

    And remember, you being out of the house more is a compromise on your part too. You simply can't run the home in the same way you used to, life is different now. Don't put so much pressure on yourself! That was a tough realisation for me too - I just can't get as much done as I used to but that's ok. I'm working, contributing more financially and doing more for myself. I can't be everything to everyone! Your DH's standards will probably never be what yours are. If they have takeaway once in a while, is that really so bad? (Not all the time of course). You do need to come to some sort of agreement about how things will work, but like I said you need to be willing to compromise too. This is a change for all of you but that's not to say it can't work!

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  6. #4
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    He does really need to step up more. I work similar hours to you and on my workdays DH is responsible for cooking dinner, that said, I organise what is for dinner, pre buy all the ingredients and make sure it is something quick and easy for him. And then often have to do the clean up after too.

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    I think the "men don't realise"/"men don't understand" is such a cop out. Yes, it can be hard to fully appreciate what goes on in someone else's life, but that's got nothing to do with being a man. If a frank discussion - laying out what you used to do and what you're still expected to do - doesn't have him onside wanting to help, then he's being a ****.

    I work evenings too, and my partner does the cooking, bedtime, washing up, cleans the kitchen, washing on when I'm at work. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the kids. Whilst I don't expect him to do everything, I'd be ****ed if he thought of it as my job. We're both adults in this family, and we're both responsible for making sure it runs smoothly.

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  9. #6
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    I'm with Renn on the 'men don't realise' being a cop out. OP, don't quit your job, you are passionate about it and enjoying it, don't quit for housework.
    When I went from being a SAHM to studying and then working we had adjustment periods for sure. I expected DH to just know exactly where to pick up where I left, but the reality was I had done most of it for a long time and he needed help getting in to the routine. I'll outline how I tackled it and you can decide what may or may not work for you:
    Sat him down and had a talk about the housework division. Listened to his reasons (he thought he was doing plenty), and me outlining in a nice way why it wasn't enough.
    Lay down my expectations (he doesn't come home from work at 10.30pm to stuff everywhere and I don't appreciate it - outlined we need to be united with the kids and they were at ages when I went back to work where we could tell them to clean up and they would do it independently (with reminders)). I also let him know that I would not be coming home to do dishes from a dinner I didn't eat etc.
    I wrote out what needs to be done of an evening in prep for the next day.
    I also gave him a bit of space and instead of getting annoyed if he didn't do something, I would gently remind him (eg if he didn't make lunches the night before then I would ask him to help out in the morning more because I now had extra jobs to do). It was a gentle way to make him see that in my 7 years as a SAHM I had 'perfected' the routine. If he was going to alter that then he needed to get up half an hour earlier and help out. Because I work mornings as well I also let him experience what it's like to not have everything ready to go in the morning and be dumped with an unexpected extra workload.
    Also, we tend to bulk cook, meal plan and roster the meals together. I get time off mid week so I do a big cook up when the kids are at school, and he will cook on the weekend if there is time between the weekend activities. I like coming home from a day's work to a meal that is mostly prepared, so figured DH probably did too...but we work on that together.
    Good luck.

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    I do kind of agree with @Renn, and it's not a male / female thing though, it's usually the person who works full time vs the person who doesn't work or works part time that isn't at home as much so they don't fully appreciate the amount of work the person at home more often is doing.

    DH has had the attitude lately that he does do housework and I shouldn't complain. And he does do housework, problem is he doesn't see everything I do while he's not there or even when he is there, so he thinks he is pulling his weight when in fact I do the vast majority of it.

    He does need to do more but I'm going to have to tell him to do more or he will continue thinking what is does is 34-40% of our total housework.

    I'm not doing that at the moment due to his work stress and super long hours, but once he finds a less demanding job and can be home more and stressed less, I don't think he will just naturally do more, I'll have to specifically ask him to do more.

    OP can you just drop your standards for a week or two, really ease off the housework and when he's run out of clean underwear or is sick of tripping on the kids toys, point out you're on somewhat of a strike. Then he will get the idea of how chaotic the house would be if you don't do as much as you do. Then explain to him, if he wants to live in less chaos he will have to step up because you're backing off from the housework as you're too stressed.

  12. #8
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    My dh suggests to just leave it until he runs out of clothes etc. I doubt that would work though. Can your dh cook? If not, get him some classes or teach him some simple recipes.

    What I did with my dh was tell him specific things that needed to be done before I got back or while I was doing something else. I either wrote a list, sent him a text or told him directly. Early on if I came home and something that I asked wasn't done I'd ask why. Sometimes we split up tasks - for example I'll put the washing on and dh will take it out. I found dh to be a bit like a kid...you have to constantly remind him what needs to be done. It's taken about 2 years for him to sometimes do things automatically when they need to get done rather than wait to be told.
    Last edited by AdornedWithCats; 02-01-2017 at 10:25.

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    I stopped doing all his stuff- his laundry, his meals, his dishes.
    I would put his dishes on his side of the bed.

    Eventually he realised I was serious. That was 4 months ago and it's gone back again.

    I don't work, but when I did (and he wasn't) it was the same.
    He is currently not working so no excuse.


 

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