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  1. #1
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    Default DD needing constant attention

    DD is soon to be 5 and she always is complaining I don't play with her much (which isn't true) and that she needs me to play with her and when I don't she doesn't just get upset and move on, she gets upset and says I don't love her if I don't play with her.

    She associates being alone (as in in a room by herself) with being unloved. How do I teach her this isn't the case? I've tried discussing this with her, but I've been trying that for the last year but she just doesn't get it.

    She says she's bored and no one plays with her, but her brother is always wanting to play with her. I give her a lot of attention and DH does too (not enough in my opinion but she never bothers him to play with her) but for her it's never enough.

    We are always taking her places, pretty much every day she gets out of the house and a lot of that time the places she goes is to the playground, a shopping centre with a playground, her friends' houses, or our family's houses (when she's not at kindy or Childcare)

    She's even been telling my parents I don't love her because I'm always telling her to leave me alone (again not true, but I do often have to tell her I'm busy when I'm doing housework or cooking).

    I've tried giving her time by the clock for me to spend time with her, then going to do housework, setting a timer on that then coming back to play with her, so she knows I'm always going to eventually come back and play with her.

    Will she grow out of it, is it part of her personality so she will just need to get used to it or should I be giving her even more attention, or is there something else I can be doing?

  2. #2
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    I have a 4 year old she is similar to your girl.

    She is getting better...but I keep her busy.

    If your cooking set up craft for her in kitchen ...

    When I am cleaning I put Netflix on and get her to choose ..

    When I am doing paperwork ....she wants to play with her toys.

    I explain to my girl...I need to get jobs done...she sort of understands..but she has no siblings.

    How old is your boy?

    Can you get them games they can play together or a playground ..maybe she needs a few activities dance class or play dates etc.

    She will probably be more independent once she starts school.

    I read to my daughter a lot she loves that ..and that is our down time together.


    Butterfly

  3. #3
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    My ds1 around the same age can sometimes be very clingy.
    Me: "Go to the toilet"
    Ds1: "can yoooouuuuuu help me pleassssse"
    Me: "no, you can do it by yourself."
    DS1: "no I caaaaannnnntttttt!!!!!"
    (Just one of many examples)

    To be honest I've had to take quite a planned approach to teaching him resilience.
    1) leading by example . Eg always keep a positive tone. Kids pick up on the slightest bit of negativity."
    2) distract and calm things down. Eg go and sit on the toilet lid (closed) and say I'm going to do a wee. Soon enough ds1 is correcting my 'mistake' and ordering me off the toilet so he can show me how it's done).
    3) starting small and preparation
    - pick a really small goal. Eg your dd spending 5 minutes by herself after every bath to read books. Make it part of the routine.
    - Talk about it in advance - play up the "big girl alone time." Find a book on personal space and alone time and make that part if the prep to read it each night.
    - heap the praise on your dd1 when she spends the 5 minutes alone.
    - stick with it


    Better go now as I am starting to crap on

  4. #4
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    Thanks ladies!
    @Butterfly Baby I like the tip about doing arts and crafts while I cook. Then I just have DS to keep busy but he can usually be bribed with wiggles on Netflix. He's only 2, so their ability to play together doesn't last long, before he tries to snatch her toys and she yells and him and he squeals at her and it all ends in tears.....
    @VicPark, I like the idea of the book helping her with independence.

    You're not crapping on at all, I welcome all and any suggestions.

    Any anecdotes from people whose kids were like this but grew out of it or you found the magic bullet?

  5. #5
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    Bumping for more suggestions or stories of other kids who outgrew this stage.

  6. #6
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    DS is 5 and a half now and has come a long way this year. He was completely disinterested in independence of any description and every request was met with whining. "I can't do it by myseeeeeeeellllllf" and "I need you to heeeeeeeellllp me". We implemented a "Yes, you can" strategy which was basically responding to whining with phrases like "Yes, you can. You did it yesterday", "I asked you to do X because I know you can", "Go and start and I will come in 1 minute when I'm finished here" and my favourite "I can only help you when you try".

    He is also a pretty logical kid so challenge questioning worked too. It might work for your DD if she is a similar personality? Eg: when she says you don't love her, you say "Of course I do. Do you love Grandma (or other)?" "Yes" "Is she here right now?" "No" "But you still love her, right?" "Yes" "And I still love you when I'm in the kitchen and when I'm in the shower and when I'm on the toilet and when I'm upside down and when I'm eating chicken" etc and keep going until she is giggling. Mine would have lost it at "toilet".

    Ultimately, it sounds like she gets plenty of attention and that she just needs to get used to her own company. Give her lots of encouragement and praise, even for playing independently in the same space as you (colouring while you cook etc) and get her involved when you can. Mine quite enjoys dusting and vacuuming, who would've known! Also, let her be bored. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Lynken For This Useful Post:

    bel2466  (04-01-2017)

  8. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lynken View Post
    DS is 5 and a half now and has come a long way this year. He was completely disinterested in independence of any description and every request was met with whining. "I can't do it by myseeeeeeeellllllf" and "I need you to heeeeeeeellllp me". We implemented a "Yes, you can" strategy which was basically responding to whining with phrases like "Yes, you can. You did it yesterday", "I asked you to do X because I know you can", "Go and start and I will come in 1 minute when I'm finished here" and my favourite "I can only help you when you try".

    He is also a pretty logical kid so challenge questioning worked too. It might work for your DD if she is a similar personality? Eg: when she says you don't love her, you say "Of course I do. Do you love Grandma (or other)?" "Yes" "Is she here right now?" "No" "But you still love her, right?" "Yes" "And I still love you when I'm in the kitchen and when I'm in the shower and when I'm on the toilet and when I'm upside down and when I'm eating chicken" etc and keep going until she is giggling. Mine would have lost it at "toilet".

    Ultimately, it sounds like she gets plenty of attention and that she just needs to get used to her own company. Give her lots of encouragement and praise, even for playing independently in the same space as you (colouring while you cook etc) and get her involved when you can. Mine quite enjoys dusting and vacuuming, who would've known! Also, let her be bored. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.
    Great advice! Thank you. I do tell her about still living her when I'm not there, but sounds like I could do with doing that a lot more until she really feels that way.

    I think I started it off when I used to say when DS was little and he followed her everywhere that - he wants to be with you and do what you're doing because he loves you so much and wants to spend time with you. I feel like that really backfired! I try and achieve one goal of getting her used to her having a little brother, then she now makes the connection of time spent with amount of love


 

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