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  1. #21
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    Default I'm Married to the Love of My Life and I'm Unhappy

    Quote Originally Posted by MommaChili View Post
    He did however mention our anniversary next week (without me reminding him or saying anything) and he said he wants to take the day off and spend it taking me out. While I do like the idea of spending time with him, he has this bad habit of throwing money at me or buying me things when that's not what I want. I just want to spend time with him and feel loved, you know? I guess we will see what happens next week.
    Why would you just wait and see what happens? Why not tell your hubby what you want, and equally as important, ask him what he wants (it is both of your anniversary). Get on the same page and get organised now - don't leave it to fate and miscommunication.

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  3. #22
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    AdornedWithCats is offline Winner 2013 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Just putting it out there, could he be depressed?

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  5. #23
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    Hi @SuperGranny. Thank you for your message. When we first got married he was a lot more lovey-dovey and he paid much more attention to me. My faith is our faith, in fact it was his and I converted for him and his family to prove myself to them as it was expected. I changed my whole life and became more of what is expected in his culture just to be accepted (which has been a whole other battle story). When I converted he stopped drinking and said that would be it for him. That lasted nearly nine or ten months. He has been on and off drinking since but this last year has been the longest he's been sober and it's been so good for him health wise. But he has thrown that all down the drain, along with my trust. It bothers me a lot, but that doesn't seem to matter and mentioning it to him is pointless. I hate when he gets angry because he can have a very vicious tongue.

    I will definitely be seeking counselling and guidance in the new year, I just can't cope on my own anymore and the last thing I want is to be forced to walk away from him because I do love and care for him so much.

    My family live in the US and I only really have him and his family here. I don't normally share my problems with others, this was a massive step for me, as most people just tell me to leave and that's not exactly what I want to hear, as you can tell

    I would love a couples retreat. Something where the focus is on us and our marriage and ways to better it would be fantastic. Getting him in on it would be a whole other mission lol ughhhh why does this have to be so difficult?!

    I agree with you @MysticFalls 100% and I have tried. Sometimes I feel as though I have to wait for the "right time" to bring things up with him because he takes everything I say as a personal attack. As I mentioned above, he can get really angry and be nasty. I grew up in a very broken home, seeing abuse daily, experiencing abuse daily and being raised by an abusive alcoholic father did not help. I was beaten and sexually abused, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused most days to the point that I ran away from home at the age of sixteen just to get away from it all. He knows all of this and I feel sometimes he uses that to his advantage... sometimes I feel like I see my father in him and it scares the absolute crap out of me! The day before we got married my husband promised me he would stop drinking and his temper would not be an issue anymore, everything would "change" because he knew how important it was to me. That promise got me down that aisle faster than you can say "I do" lol so you can imagine my heartbreak that he broke those promises. I put my trust in him and that was not an easy thing for me to do. Now I feel like a complete fool.
    @VicPark he can become really nasty, if his mood switches suddenly from thinking about negative things he will just turn into this really aggressive person and I can't deal with him. He lashes out at me. He is twice my size so manhandling him is not in my best interest if you get my drift? I have, in the past, had to call his cousin to deal with him and calm him down. I just can't live like that again. Not for the rest of my life. I don't expect anyone who hasn't been through this to understand where I am coming from, but believe me I am trying to open up and help you understand my situation.
    I'm not sure if you read my previous posts, but growing up his mother was really cruel to him and his way of drowning her out was to throw all his money at her to shut her up and then he would abuse alcohol to drown her out, along with the pain she inflicted.
    I have asked him what he wants but he says he wants nothing. He will throw money at me even though I have told him time and again all I want is to spend time with him, I don't want presents or money.
    @AdornedWithCats I do believe he could be depressed as he hasn't really dealt with his childhood issues apart from telling me everything. He seems happier now that he and his mother's relationship is stronger though, but I do think he fears it is either all an act or it will go back to how it was before. He won't talk to anyone professionally though. I've tried.

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  7. #24
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this, and that you feel you lack support. It must feel awful, I wish I could help. Getting counselling for yourself is an excellent idea, it really is! Having an impartial party to listen and offer objective advice, a safe place to let all your thoughts out - I think this would offer you a lot of clarity. It sounds like there are many complicated issues at play here that you need to work through. Sending love, and support xxx

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  9. #25
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    Your not a fool! It happens to the best of us. Problem is if there's no trust there is no love.

  10. #26
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    Ah crap my big post did not post

  11. #27
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    Take 2 a bit quicker this time so it doesn't time out.


    Quote Originally Posted by MommaChili View Post
    It's not so much about how much he drinks but how he can become when he drinks. He said I could limit his drinks to only a couple but once he starts drinking that theory goes out the window.

    Sounds like he becomes a different person when he drinks. Is he enjoying the feeling of escapism when he drinks. I would be hesitant to put a limit on it, but you could try. Ask him if he wouldn''t drink just one night a week, so that you could enjoy couple time.

    I spoke to him this morning while he was on his break (I've noticed he seems to listen more when he is away from me, perhaps out of fear I will leave and he isn't here to stop me). He acknowledged he needs to work on things and HE confessed he is just lazy when it comes to paying attention to me..... I wasn't sure how to take that. I asked why and he says after work he is just so spent that he wants to relax on the iPad or watching tv.

    ok so he knows he is lazy when it comes to you good jump on that comment!! Contract him to using the ipad when he gets home from work for 1-2 max and that after that is couple time. Leave him totally alone for those 1-2 hours. Then after that the ipad and all other devices that have internet go off. Play board games, chat, it is not a ***** session or a problem solving session. Use it to reconnect to each other. Do what you used to do before having kids, when you were first dating or newly wed. You could try massage oil and give him a back massage.


    He did however mention our anniversary next week (without me reminding him or saying anything) and he said he wants to take the day off and spend it taking me out. While I do like the idea of spending time with him, he has this bad habit of throwing money at me or buying me things when that's not what I want. I just want to spend time with him and feel loved, you know? I guess we will see what happens next week.

    ok a he recognised the anniversary thats good. now lets see about working on getting gifts or money. Tell him this year you would like to keep things simple. Write on a piece of paper or in a card happy anniversary, your spending money is $50 keep things creative! Put a wink on the card. (tip for you) Get a picnic basket together with food that you like for the $50. Use sparkling grape juice if you want.

    I do like the idea of date night. I'll suggest that to him. I'll let you know what he says.

    I am going back to uni to finish my teaching degree. He is completely supportive of that.
    It's little things like that that made me fall for him. He supports me no matter how far fetched or crazy my dreams are. If it wasn't for him I would never have turned my writing into a career or become published. He helped break down the titanium walls I put up as a teenager. He's the only one I've let in close enough to be able to break through the barriers. He loves my children like I've always imagined a father and husband should. He is my best friend. We literally know what the other is thinking or about to say, I kid you not lol.

    He seemed supportive at the start. But a best friend would not discard the feelings of the other person. Which your husband is doing to you. I would suggest a counsellor or pastor. Even if he does not attend you can, to help you get some perspective on this.

    Also get a hobby something you can do without husband. Time away makes the heart grow fonder. It shows him you won't sit around waiting for him all the time.


    Having another baby was never about fixing our problems. It is genuinely something we both wanted and have tried for for such a long time. I guess being disappointed each month could be affecting him more than he lets on? We miscarried last year and that shattered us both. I know I haven't been the same since. I do agree taking a break from TTC until we sort ourselves out is necessary... I mean, right now it's not like we could get pregnant anyway, you need to have sex to get pregnant.

    hun a mc is a hard thing you definitely need some counselling around that. And perhaps he has not dealt with this either, causing friction. perhaps computer time is time away from sex and therefore conception.


    I do love him and I know I am in love with him. I'm not afraid to be alone, I am trying to search for people who may have advice or experience about a similar issue to help me as I want to help fix this. Believe me, if I didn't love him I would have been gone long ago. Once I'm done, I'm done and I'm scared to get to that point with him because I know I still love him. I also know he needs me. But maybe pushing for counselling is a good start? Maybe I should get tough on him?
    Getting tough on him may see him retaliating and pushing harder back for more him time. Im not there i do not know. get tough on the maximum time to be on a ipad. let him know you want to try what i suggested above.

    i think your getting love mixed up dear. love is supportive, loving, wanting to spend time with you, cherishing you, helping you, lifting you up, working as a team.

    the opposite is being ignored, not cherish, not lifting you up, not working as a team.

    yes dear you may want to fix this problem but have you asked him? one person working on a relationship such as your trying so hard to do, does not lead to success. You need two people to work on it!

    Have you actually asked him if he wants to stay married? Sit him down and ask. You could write a letter stating how you feel and leave it on his ipad where he will see it.

    from now on if he ever raises his voice, try your best to keep yours low and monotoned. People find it very hard to fight when your not.

    Also you have two boys you need to think of. What are they thinking when they see mum and dad fight? I have had friends from broken homes and they have talked about even though mum and dad divorced it was better for them. Even with shared care it was better, because there was no longer screaming matches and things being thrown.

    Not sure of america but in australia you will be entitled to support if you do ever leave.

    Please keep us informed of whats happening. Try to put some of the things suggested into place. ok so its new years eve 2016...........give it a year and if your still stuck in the same place new years eve 2017 its time to call it a day.
    Last edited by MysticFalls; 31-12-2016 at 08:00.

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  13. #28
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    Default I'm Married to the Love of My Life and I'm Unhappy

    Aww wow, thank you @MysticFalls and @frankie46 for your reply. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support.

    I will put everything into action once the new year has come and gone.
    I'm. I'm nervous about tonight as he has already declared he is drinking. I hate feeling so anxious every time he drinks. I have thought about talking to our bishop at church about everything but I'm afraid it will lead to my husband's authority in the church being taken away. I don't want to be the reason for that happening.

    Thank you love. We kept our MC pretty much to ourselves. Last night we actually sat down and I asked if he still wanted to be married. He actually acted shocked... he said yes and that he felt I was the one being distant... I told him I have kept to myself whenever he makes excuses not to touch me or when he ignores me and puts all his attention into the iPad I disappear to leave him be. He sort of avoided talking about that but he was the one who did mention us eventually having another baby. He did say that it's hard to talk about because he wants it to happen and for both the baby and I to be safe and healthy all the way through. I sat there and listened to him talk openly. I enjoyed hearing him open up...
    my brother and his girlfriend turned up unexpectedly so our conversation was cut short.
    He is just so hard to read, he says he wants to be with me and have more children and grow our family but then he isolates himself and shuts me out. I just don't know what to think.

    We never fight in front of our children. If we are upset with each other we say the bare minimum to one another.

    It depends on a lot whether I can last another year through this, I think. But of course I will give it my best.

    Thank you all yet again. I truly appreciate all your advice. I will keep you all updated and I'm sure I will need to come here to vent.
    A very blessed and happy 2017 to you all xoxo
    Last edited by MommaChili; 31-12-2016 at 08:49.

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  15. #29
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    Mommachilli,

    How are you? I hope things have improved slightly fingers crossed

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    Mommachilli, would your husband be receptive to speaking with your Bishop or any other person at your Church?

    It might not seem as formal in the way of counselling, so maybe he'd open up that way where both of you could have a chat with an impartial person.


 

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