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  1. #11
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    Sounds like you need to spend a little bit of time together.

    Can you schedule a date night 1 day a week for 2 hours start there.

    Go out for coffee or lunch or dinner..

    Having another child is a bad idea right now...you need to tell him how you feel and ask why he is not happy and behaving like this.

    Maybe he feels inadequate if your career is doing better then his?

    I also think you need to start a few hobbies and do something for you.

    Hope this helps.

    Butterfly

  2. #12
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    Why is or was he the love of your life?

  3. #13
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    I agree with the other ladies. Ttc right now is a bad idea. It's not fair to bring a baby into this especially when you are talking about potentially leaving him in the near future. A baby is not going to fix the problems you have with him.

    Instead of continuing trying to talk to him which leads to fights etc about his lack of attention, why doing to do the opposite and do somethings for you. Go out with friends, join a gym or getting involved in some activities that you enjoy . He might start to realise that you aren't going to sit about trying to get his attention anymore.
    Have you heard the old saying "When you chase a dog it runs away but when you run away from it the dog chases you".

    Obviously this isn't something long term you can do to save your marriage but it might open your eyes to realise you don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. There are plenty of nice people out there that will talk to you instead of sitting on an iPad and he needs to realise that

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  5. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by MommaChili View Post
    I honestly feel like I mean nothing to him. He puts his own selfish wants before my needs and I'm really done feeling this way. But how do I walk away from someone I am still in love with?
    With the way you feel and the way he treats you and makes you feel, are you sure that you're in love with him? Many other psychological needs can feel like love like, for example, not wanting to be alone. The need to not be alone can be a higher need than being inlove, so you can mistake that dependency for love. Also, from a practical point, to be truly inlove, you would have to find a lot of him to be highly appealing but it appears that you don't. So just going by your posts, I would say it is something other than love that is keeping you there. You sound desperately unhappy to me. Maybe now is the time to make some drastic changes. You deserve to be with someone who loves and adores you.

  6. #15
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    Sorry you are going through this.

    To be honest, unless he can agree to counselling and start opening up and acknowledging the issues in your marriage, I don't see a bright future for you together.

    I have a friend in a similar situation with her DH, though they don't have children together yet. As is turns out, he doesn't have high expectations when it comes to married life. He thinks it's normal to be distant and not affectionate. In other words, he's content with a joyless life. My friend is hanging in there - she was ready to end it with him a couple of months ago, but has back tracked and still clinging to the hope that things will get better (even though he's doing nothing to change). To an outsider like me, she is delaying the inevitable and wasting time with someone who doesn't make her happy.

    I agree with @VicPark - please stop TTC until you feel like this marriage has a fighting chance. You deserve to be with someone who cares about your happiness and needs, not a bloke who invests his time and energy into an ipad.

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  8. #16
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    Default I'm Married to the Love of My Life and I'm Unhappy

    It's not so much about how much he drinks but how he can become when he drinks. He said I could limit his drinks to only a couple but once he starts drinking that theory goes out the window.

    I spoke to him this morning while he was on his break (I've noticed he seems to listen more when he is away from me, perhaps out of fear I will leave and he isn't here to stop me). He acknowledged he needs to work on things and HE confessed he is just lazy when it comes to paying attention to me..... I wasn't sure how to take that. I asked why and he says after work he is just so spent that he wants to relax on the iPad or watching tv.
    He did however mention our anniversary next week (without me reminding him or saying anything) and he said he wants to take the day off and spend it taking me out. While I do like the idea of spending time with him, he has this bad habit of throwing money at me or buying me things when that's not what I want. I just want to spend time with him and feel loved, you know? I guess we will see what happens next week.

    I do like the idea of date night. I'll suggest that to him. I'll let you know what he says.

    I am going back to uni to finish my teaching degree. He is completely supportive of that.
    It's little things like that that made me fall for him. He supports me no matter how far fetched or crazy my dreams are. If it wasn't for him I would never have turned my writing into a career or become published. He helped break down the titanium walls I put up as a teenager. He's the only one I've let in close enough to be able to break through the barriers. He loves my children like I've always imagined a father and husband should. He is my best friend. We literally know what the other is thinking or about to say, I kid you not lol.

    Having another baby was never about fixing our problems. It is genuinely something we both wanted and have tried for for such a long time. I guess being disappointed each month could be affecting him more than he lets on? We miscarried last year and that shattered us both. I know I haven't been the same since. I do agree taking a break from TTC until we sort ourselves out is necessary... I mean, right now it's not like we could get pregnant anyway, you need to have sex to get pregnant.

    I do love him and I know I am in love with him. I'm not afraid to be alone, I am trying to search for people who may have advice or experience about a similar issue to help me as I want to help fix this. Believe me, if I didn't love him I would have been gone long ago. Once I'm done, I'm done and I'm scared to get to that point with him because I know I still love him. I also know he needs me. But maybe pushing for counselling is a good start? Maybe I should get tough on him?
    Last edited by MommaChili; 30-12-2016 at 09:27.

  9. #17
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    Yep get him into therapy. Fighting all the time is no way to live life with your partner

  10. #18
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    hi mommachili, It sounds like you have a number of problems. I am sorry you are in this situation. He is not meeting your needs, and doing things that you cant accept. What was your relationship like when you first got married. You have had two children together, and things must have been working ok, at least, at the start.
    The drinking is against your faith, is it also against his faith. ? I find that a rather big hurdle. Playing on the Ipad thing instead of communicating with you, would be also a very annoying habit.
    I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself. You might find some better ways to start a conversation with him, so that you don't always end with an argument. It seems your faith is important to you, do you have any sort of marriage guidance through your church. ?? Any close friends you can share this problem with, who might be able to see a way to bring you closer together. I am thinking you need more than a 'date night', you might benefit from a couples retreat, with no distractions for a weekend/ week. Marie.

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  12. #19
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    I am answering in a short response ATM but will answer in more detail after DD is in bed.

    Hun your relationship reminds me of a past one of mine. Unless he is willing to work on things with you this relationship will not work long term or give you the closeness you desire.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MommaChili View Post
    It's not so much about how much he drinks but how he can become when he drinks.
    How does he get when he drinks? At the moment all I see is a husband and father who is buggered after a hard days work (a valid feeling) - which doesn't necessarily gel well with a wife and mother craving company (also a valid feeling). Plus, additional stress on both parties from ttc and a miscarriage. Is there more to the story that hasn't been shared?


 

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