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  1. #1
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    Default Disagreement with parents

    How would you handle this situation? I feel so ridiculous posting this as it's so childish.

    I have a relative that I don't really get along with. Nothing crazy, if I happen to see them I'll say hello but I won't go out of my way to see them. I have my reasons and I believe that they are good reasons for keeping my distance.

    My parents get along with this relative which is fine with me, it's not my place to tell someone else who they can and can not socialize with.

    Yesterday my parents had this relative and his family over for dinner. They invited my and my family too and I politely declined the invite.

    After dinner I got an irate text from my Mum about how upset and angry they are with me that I couldn't put our differences aside for their sake and how embarrassed they were when their guests asked about us and we weren't there.

    I again politely replied saying they know we don't get along, it's nothing to do with my parents, I love and respect them but it's my right to choose with whom I socialize as much as it is their right. I was very polite and civilized in my reply and ended by saying I love you both but sometimes we will just have to agree to disagree.

    Now my mum is ignoring me. We have a weekly family dinner (at her request) and she texted my siblings this morning saying she's changed the usual day and place for the weekly dinner but she didn't text me. It's so passive aggressive.

    Should I call or text saying I heard the weekly plans have changed? Should I just leave it and wait for her to let me know? I think she's being very rude. If she's changed the plans for this week she should let me know. If she doesn't want me there she should also let me know. I'm quite annoyed and feel they are over reacting.

    Wwyd?

  2. #2
    SuperGranny's Avatar
    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    I wonder what was the point of the particular invite to your mums place. ?? did she intend for you and the other family to patch up the differences and become best of buddies? or was she not aware of how deep the disagreement is and not aware that you would not want to be around the other people. ?? I would just leave it be for now. I wouldn't loose any sleep over not attending mums weekly dinner, but I would not let this one incident affect your Christmas celebrations or whatever other special occasions in the future. I would just make it clear to your mum, that you are not friends with this relative, and that if the situation ever changes you will let her know. That should be the end of the story. Marie.

  3. #3
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    Thanks for a the reply Marie. There was no reason for the invite, mum just likes to host dinner parties periodically. I've not attended others and it's never been a problem.

    I'm just confused as to what I'm supposed to do. Do I turn up on the usual night and no one is there? Does she think I won't find out? It's so ridiculous.

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    If it were me I would just give her space for a few days/a week unless my DS/DD were looking forward to it and are upset there will be no dinner. In that case I would ask if dinner is still on and when.

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    It's the highlight of my DDs week because she sees her grandparents and cousins. My mum knows this.. I'll guess I'll wait, if I haven't heard from her by tomorrow I'll ask if dinner is still on.

    I'm so frustrated by this whole thing. My parents need to get a grip, my not attending one dinner is nothing to lose the plot over.

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    I find it odd they expect you to attend.
    I would text tomorrow and ask if dinner is still on as usual this week.

  7. #7
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    I'd turn up on the new night and act normal.

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  9. #8
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    I would do either of the following depending on how I was feeling, and what outcome I hoped to achieve:
    1. Turn up on the new night, be fabulous and faultless. Demonstrate that you mean what you say about people choosing to socialise with whomever they like without it bothering you. And be shocked when your parents ignore you. Speak to them as normal, involve no one else and carry on as normal like you might when a toddler has a tantrum and isn't seeing reason.

    2. Not go on the new night and give them some form of silent treatment to see who will eventually break the standoff.

    3. Go and see your mum, take a cake and have a coffee and say "mum, this is silly. What's going on here?" And discuss it in an open way.

    I'd think first of the outcome you want, before deciding on the course of action.
    Are your parents prone to this kind of PA behaviour that they eventually get over and no one calls them on it? Or is this unusual?

    Don't pander though? I think this is an opportunity to make your boundaries really clear.

    How did you find out about the night change? Just make sure that others, either deliberately or accidentally don't end up passing messages back and forth.

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  11. #9
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    Thanks for the reply Gooch. It's great advice and I'll think carefully about what I want to do next.

    I found out innocently because I was talking to my brother and Mum messaged him to say dinner plans have changed. I said oh ok I haven't heard anything and he said she just messaged me now so she'll probably message you soon. That was this morning and I've not heard anything since.

    This type of behavior is very normal for them. They're great parents and my DD loves them but when I disagree with them or make decisions they don't agree with they throw these tantrums and then get all passive aggressive. I'm just so sick of it.

    I don't even understand how this got so crazy. I just chose not to accept an invite for dinner. It's hardly the end of the world.

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    I love my mother dearly but she also has a habit of personalising things that I do/don't do and getting worked up over things.

    I personally would skip dinner, by her not giving you the new details she is clearly sending you a message and trying to upset you. I find the best way to respond to passive aggressive bullying is to ignore it. Your mother doesn't sound like someone who will stay away from her granddaughter for long and it will force her to re-assess her behaviour.

    Maybe give it a bit longer and send a text along the lines of 'heard dinner changed this week - assuming I wasn't informed because you would rather we not attend? I understand and hope you all have a great night' That would at least open the dialogue.

    It's not her business who you associate with in the family... She was clearly 'testing' you with inviting you both over and was clearly not happy you didn't react how she wanted...

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