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  1. #21
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    Sorry you are going through this OP! Just wanted to offer my support. It's absolutely not unreasonable of you to feel uncomfortable about him not talking about this. You're totally right - this house will belong to BOTH of you, so you both have the right to state how you feel about certain things. Don't feel bad about the fact that this is important to you. I would feel exactly the same - that wouldn't suit me at all. So obviously there is another conversation to be had here. Good luck with it! I moved in with my partner when DD was 3. It's definitely a challenge and requires compromise on both parts to make it work - it definitely can work though! X

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  3. #22
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    Default Moving in together and sleeping arrangement issues...

    I think you really need to work out the sleeping arrangements before buying a house together. Being a blended family can present challenges and if this is something you can sort out before committing to a mortgage together I really think it'll go much smoother for everyone.

    I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to want the bedroom to be just yours and your DP's space. There are days when DP and I have hardly had any time together due to the kids (we are a blended family with 5 kids between us), and it's a huge comfort to know that I get him all to myself at night, even if that's just falling asleep wrapped up like a pretzel together. It's one place where we have total privacy when all the kids are here.

    If it's important to you then you need to stand your ground on this one.

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  5. #23
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    I definitely think she should be in her own bed and make it a fun exercise for you guys to bond over. Go shopping for bedding, bedroom furniture etc.

    He needs to discuss why she doesn't want to sleep in her room. Is she anxious etc.

    I am a co sleeper and I still understand my kids needs/wants. My kids are now almost at kindy and now it's time to stop if they wake up I will drag them in because I am tired and they share a room currently.

    18 months isn't a long time (to go ahead and a buy a house) go and rent explore see if you can handle each other. Good luck

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  7. #24
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    Hello all - I'd like to ask a genuinely respectful question to all the birth mums - some of you said you wouldn't like the idea of the daughter in the new partners bed.

    What is the part you don't like? Last thing I want to do is cause issues, there are already issues between my DP & Ex so I don't want to add to them. I would have thought jumping in for snuggles in the morning would be fine, or if sick - would you still not be comfortable with that? If you repartnered, would you be comfortable with it at your place?

    Basically - is it the fact it is a new woman that's the issue? If so I am stuffed I will not be able to win either way! Or would you be fine with the occasional stuff but not every day co-sleeping (don't think any non BM would really love this anyway)

  8. #25
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    As a parent who cosleeps with my 2 I really hope they're not in my bed full time at 7.

    I agree that the move needs to happen well before you move in together full time.

    We thought about moving my eldest into her own room when her sister came but didn't for the same reason of association.

    Sorry haven't read all replies but are you on good terms with the birth mother? Can you talk to her and tell her how you feel?

  9. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jellyblush View Post
    Hello all - I'd like to ask a genuinely respectful question to all the birth mums - some of you said you wouldn't like the idea of the daughter in the new partners bed.

    What is the part you don't like? Last thing I want to do is cause issues, there are already issues between my DP & Ex so I don't want to add to them. I would have thought jumping in for snuggles in the morning would be fine, or if sick - would you still not be comfortable with that? If you repartnered, would you be comfortable with it at your place?

    Basically - is it the fact it is a new woman that's the issue? If so I am stuffed I will not be able to win either way! Or would you be fine with the occasional stuff but not every day co-sleeping (don't think any non BM would really love this anyway)
    My two DSSs used to jump in our bed in the mornings when they woke up and it was fine. Their mum never mentioned it, actually not sure if she knew. They outgrew this at about 7ish although 8 year old DSS still does it occasionally.

    How many nights per week does your DP have his daughter? If it's only a couple could you sleep in the spare room those nights. I know that's not great for you but getting off on the wrong foot with your DSD could be worse. She will grow out of co-sleeping eventually.

    The fact that your DP is not willing to discuss this i think is the concerning part. Blended families are tricky and require good communication, understanding and compromise.

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  11. #27
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    My ds is nearly 7 and sleeps with me every nite when dad is FIFO.
    It's a really tough habit to break at this age.

    I love the cuddles but yes I'd love to sleep in the same bed with my DH when he's home, and 3 in the bed usually means I end up waking and moving to the kids room.

    It's ridiculous that he won't even discuss it with you. What's even the point of moving in together then? It's not just about DTD but just about intimacy and love, feeling that special someone next to you. After 9 years of marriage, OK, this takes a back seat because you put your kids needs first. But in a relatively new relationship? No way! You need that time to yourselves.

    I don't think I'd move in with him at this stage op. I'd get him to sort out the sleeping arrangements first. If you move In and immediately daddy's cuddles at night stop, it would automatically be perceived as if you're taking her dad away/he loves you more than her.

    And if he cbb sorting that out (also for the fact that she is 7 and needs to sleep alone most nights) then I think that shows you how he'll tackle difficult issues in the future.

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  13. #28
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    I agree with you totally Misho! I'm going to try again. I have sympathy for him breaking the habit but if he wants a new relationship in both their lives he'll need to make a bit of space for it.
    @babyno1onboard it is 50/50, I'm not going to sleep in a spare room half my life haha I'd prefer to keep my own place if that's the case

  14. #29
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    I haven't read all the replies, I just have a suggestion.

    If his DD is going to have her own room in your house, why not get her a big double/queen size bed (or two single beds side by side) and then the compromise could be that if she needs her daddy in the night or to help her get to sleep, he could do that in HER room rather than her coming into yours and his bedroom?

    Just a suggestion that might make the transition from his room to her own a little easier

    That's always been my rule with my kids. If they need me I am always there for them, but in THEIR room. Currently I have my 3 eldes all in one room and my 1 year old sleeps on a queen size mattress on the floor in his own bedroom and I spend most of the night sleeping in there, but husband and I still have our own room and own bed which the kids can come into in the mornings, but not through the night.
    Last edited by CazHazKidz; 07-12-2016 at 13:47.

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  16. #30
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    We were in a similar situation- my husband's son slept every night in his mother's bed and when he came here (then 3 nights a fortnight) it was hard on everyone to get him into his own bed. With perseverance and reward charts, we got there within two months (so about 12 nights). He continued to sleep in his mother's bed at hers though.
    At the time, we thought he was doing it as a comfort thing, and he may well have been, but it was also happening because his mother felt lonely.

    There was no way she would have been ok with him sharing with us at our house though, so continuing to allow him to do so at hers only made him confused and anxious in relation to sleep. He would fight going to bed tooth and nail but once down was out for the night.

    We got full custody a few months ago, and for the first two weeks both kids took turns in our bed with either their dad, or me (often their dad as we had the baby so I was dealing with her). Then my husband's daughter (10) was fine in her own bed, but Dss (8) still wanted to be with one of us. We told him he could have two more nights in our bed and that's it, as it wasn't fair to 'make' Dsd sleep in the room alone. He was fine with that, and after the two nights went into his bed.

    No problems since.

    It's a little different in that we had two, so they were never alone as they room-share. But the transitioning is probably the same.

    I agree with pp's in that I would rent first to cover the transitioning part, and then buy.

    OR could you spend a few nights on the week she is there at his place, and see how they both deal with the 'separation'?

    ETA: the real issue is his refusal to discuss it. We had a lot of that with the kids' mother in relation to this issue (and others) and it made our relationship with her very difficult. If he isn't willing to discuss this with you, what else will he refuse to deal with?
    Last edited by DT75; 07-12-2016 at 18:14.


 

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