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  1. #1
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    Default Moving in together and sleeping arrangement issues...

    Hiya everyone, not 100% sure I have this question in the right place but I will try it

    My partner and I have been together 18 months. He has a gorgeous 7yo DD who I'm very fond of, we get along really well.

    We are house hunting for a place to buy together. This puts a different dynamic on things - his parenting has up to now been completely between he and his daughter, however now we'll all be sharing a home there are things I think i need to be able to comment on. Not from a judging his parenting perspective, just from a sharing the space perspective.

    The main things is he sleeps with his DD every night. She has her own room, but heads straight to his bed each night. He admits he in lonely without her to snuggle and really enjoys it.

    For me, this will not be ok. I will fine with her coming in on weekend mornings for a snuggle, or of course if she's scared, but as an everyday things I want the bed to be our space.

    When I have tried to raise he he gets very defensive and won't discuss it (best) or accuses me of being jealous (worst). I am not jealous, until now it's been a non issue as it's his home his business but I just know how I want to live in my own home. I also think he should start a process of her sleeping in her own bed ahead of us moving in together so she doesn't associate the move to living with me with less special time with her Dad.

    I feel like I am not willing to move in with him if we can't talk about what's ok in our shared living space. I already feel a little sometimes like our relationship is a little unbalanced his way.

    Just wondering quite honestly if I am being unreasonable, or if not, whether there are some tips for handling this conversation.

    Thank you everyone

  2. #2
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    Definitely not being unreasonable at all. I have a 9 yr old DS and a nearly 5month DS and there is no way I'd share the bed with the older DS at that age. He would find it creepy for his mum to want to snuggle every night for the fact he is also starting puberty aswell so he likes his privacy

    For your dp to still share with his DD to me is a little odd please don't feel offended by me saying though as every ones parenting style is completely different.

    Weekend snuggles, sickness snuggles, snuggles to tuck them in at night I totally get but every night all night and with a little girl that will also be going through a change in her life with puberty in a couple years aswell

    I think he needs to start standing aside and letting his DD be on her own.

    You guys won't get your own space at all if he continues to let it all be about his DD in your room when it should only be about you guys

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    Is there anyway you guys could maybe rent together for a little while before buying? I don't mean to be to insensitive but the fact that he won't even discuss it with you is a pretty major red flag...I might be worth seeing how it works out sharing a living space before committing to a mortgage together.

    I don't think your being unreasonable. I personally do not like bed sharing and think a parents bedroom should be their personal space (I'm not judging others it's just how I feel about my family) and a single man sleeping with such an older girl kinda worries me. Sorry not in a disgusting way but a co- dependant kind of way...

    I think in the end you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you and I guess he does as well... You don't want any resentment from either side and the daughter needs to know it's her dads opinion as well or she will build up resentment towards you...

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    Just out of curiosity where would you sleep? In another room or would the daughter be in bed with you as well??? I only ask because as a biological mother i would have a bit of an issue with another woman sleeping with any of my kids... Does the bio mum have an opinion?

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    When my XDH and I separated it was really hard on the kids...my now 11yo son moved into my bed...He was about 9yo. It was a comfort thing, he was anxious and upset...and then it became normal. It's nice to sleep with someone...it's not creepy. Having said all that, if I was to introduce a partner then I would transition my DS into his own bed long before I moved a partner it. Obviously you should be sleeping with your partner and his DD in her bed...but it will take time and be hard on the little girl. I wouldn't move in until that transition had taken place. .

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    As a bedsharing mum to an almost 3 year old I am sympathetic to your dp. It's hard to know what to suggest without other details - ie. Where the bio mum is in all this and history of your dp and dd (ie. Have they always bedshared). I know of someone in a similar situation whose 5 and 7 year old often go into their mums and her partners bed in the morning.

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    It's not 'creepy' or 'wrong' to bedshare - even at that age.

    I would say that it is for security and comfort for your DP and his DD.

    What happens now? Does his DD live with him full time? Could you compromise and share a room and not the bed at first and eventually move her to her own room when everyone is ready?

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    Quote Originally Posted by twinklify View Post
    It's not 'creepy' or 'wrong' to bedshare - even at that age.
    I agree, however his comments about needing cuddles, I find that a bit more than just bed sharing. And like a PP said not in a creepy way, but in a co-dependent way.

    OP I do think you need to be on the same page before you buy a house. For me personally this would be a non-negotiable. And for the sake of his daughter if you do decide to still move in, it's important that it's your DP who has the conversation with his daughter and that she is in her own room well before you buy a house together (I'm thinking a few months).

    Good luck OP it is such a tricky situation. I hope you can get your DP on board.

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    Thanks for your replies everyone I appreciate them.

    Right now DP has 50/50 care of his DD. They live together and bed share for a week, he and I live together in my current home the other week. When I stay down there on weekends they are together, which is often, she needs to be prised from his bed and put in her own.

    To be clear, the issue is not her coming in the mornings for cuddles or the occasional night. Or that this is their current sleeping situation, I understand she's been through a lot and it's comforting for them both - though I guess I do agree with a PP that there's a danger of unhealthy co-dependency if it continues.

    The issue (from my perspective) is that I think he needs to be willing to talk about it and to transition her to her own room before we live together. It's not fair on her if its a sudden thing when we all move in and I'm worried it could cause problems in our currently awesome relationship (DDs and mine)

    I like PPs suggestion of renting first, he didn't seem to crazy about it though...

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    My youngest boy (5) does go to bed in my bed every night...and every night I put him in his bed for the night when I go to bed. It's not an issue...He just likes to go to sleep mummys bed and is quite happy to wake up in his own. Is this situation a reasonable compromise?


 

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