Haven't read the whole thread. Dh frequently doesn't listen. It feels like he doesn't value how I feel when he does something differently to me when I've told him many times why I want it done a particular way. It's frustrating, because he won't even discuss it with me. If he did then maybe we could compromise. Urgh
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22-11-2016 19:02 #11
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22-11-2016 19:45 #12
Non cooperative partners
Dh tends to just follow my lead. I think because I was a nanny and doula for so long before we had children that he probably feels that my parenting choices are coming more from experience and research and also because I'm the primary carer so his attitude has been along the lines that since I'm the one who mainly deals with them then it should be mostly my style. I assume he so easily supports me because 1) he trusts that my decisions and style are safe and in the best interests of our children and 2) that my style mostly matches his so it's easy for him to follow my lead. That said, of course we still have big deep and meaningfuls about big parenting decisions or if one of us is a bit surprised by a reaction or decision from the other but I more often than not find that we are on the same page after these discussions. We were together for 11 years before ds1 was born though, and being that I was a nanny, we often had discussions about what we would do in certain scenarios that I encountered, so we kind of knew before kids that we had similar thoughts and styles regarding parenting.
ETA: I definitely agree with some of the advice here, that counseling may at least help how you deal with it all and that giving him links and articles may help him compromise a bit more. What types of things are you disagreeing with?
Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 22-11-2016 at 20:01.
22-11-2016 21:12 #13
So I think he's just thrown his arms up in the air and leaves the kids up to me, he just steps in for the fun stuff and I do the rest.
Don't let this be the case for you too OP. Even if you think his parenting is uninformed maybe try and pick the things you're happy for him to do his way and talk about compromising on others.
22-11-2016 21:32 #14
DS1 won't even bother asking him for help any more it's all about me.
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22-11-2016 21:44 #15
So when I get frustrated at being smothered by them I'm frustrated at DH for not stepping in not at them for wanting just me, but then frustrated at me that I let it get to this point.
OP I hope your DH comes around and will do counselling with you or at the very least be open to more conversations and compromising.
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22-11-2016 22:28 #16
Hi there Candiceo.
Yeah, we have this at times too 😕
I came here to write wise things, but really, i think there's been lots of better advice than mine already. @harvs had some pretty good advice especially i think about going to counselling yourself for a bit - maybe it will help you with some good strategies for dealing with conflict and your DP. And maybe she'll come around a bit when she sees how it's working?
Or you can say things like "my counsellor says I'm right", which could encourage her to get her to come along? 😉
As for us... we've agreed to go to counselling together... but just haven't found the time... 😕 My DP and i are both strong willed, and we each think we're right about everything... Sometimes i just let things go to avoid a fight... but then i seethe about it inwardly.
I hope you and your DP are able to work it out.
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23-11-2016 13:11 #17
Last edited by Candiceo; 23-11-2016 at 15:59.
23-11-2016 18:21 #18
23-11-2016 21:52 #19
The big sticking point for DP and I is boisterous play in the house. I let the kids drag furniture around, climb on it, jump on it, ride scooters in the house. We don't have any outdoor space and I feel like, they're kids and they need to let off steam. DP hates it, so when daddy's home/watching them it's not allowed whereas with me it's open season the kids accept that we have different rules and I think for things like this that's fine. It's when fundamental values are different that it becomes a real problem and fortunately our ideas are aligned on all the big stuff.
24-11-2016 07:35 #20
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