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  1. #1
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    Default Advice please - am I being unreasonable?

    **please don't quote as I will delete post later***

    So a bit of back story... It's just me and my mum... I'm an only child and my parents divorced years ago and I'm estranged from my dad. Dh still has both his parents and has 2 sisters and one sister has 3 kids.

    My sons birthday is next month and I am having a bit of a party in the park for family and friends. I was talking to my mum and mentioned I might have a dinner on his actual birthday (the week prior) but I will sort the details closer to the date and it will be very informal as it is a school night.

    Mum proceeded to say she's like to have it at her house which I said would be nice but she proceeded to say she would only invite DH's parents... I said thanks but no thanks as I would like to invite DH's two sisters and 3 kids.

    So of course this has started a fight, with my claiming it makes it too hard with everyone and sometimes my SIL has a party for her kids and doesn't invite her (which is true but they would never not invite my family to a party to do with the kids) but she always has to accomodate them.

    I've told her I don't feel comfortable having a party for DS and not inviting them but if she would prefer to have a grandparent only dinner maybe hold one closer to Christmas and have it as an end of year get together..but she doesn't like that either and is accusing me of always doing what inlaws want me to do not what she wants...

    So am I unreasonable? I know I can't decide who is invited to her house and am not trying to but I don't want my ds's birthday night to be excluding family who I would have invited and I believe could potentially be offended... I would rather have it myself in that case...

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    I think your mum is the unreasonable one.

    She is miffed that you are not going along with she wants - but it's your child's birthday!

    You are the parent, you call the shots as far as I'm concerned.

    Have the dinner at your place (or a venue of your choice) and do it your way.

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  4. #3
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    Not unreasonable at all though I think your mum is a bit. If it were me I wouldn't have it at her house as I'd want SIL to be able to go. I'd choose a different location and invite everyone. It's about your DS and his relationship with his family, not about her.

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    I'm a very black-and-white person, so I'll give it to you straight - Your child, Your party, You get to decide the guests!

    I agree that whomever your Mum wants to invite into her home is her business, and certainly, you can't insist that she invites certain people into her home that she is not comfortable inviting.

    So....

    If it were me, I'd set up my own party/dinner at a place where I would be free to include anyone I felt was appropriate, invite her as well, and if she wants a more 'private' affair she can hold that event at another time and invite whomever she likes then.

    Hold your ground hon, you're not being unreasonable!

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    Your child's birthday, your call. You decide venue, date and time and invite whoever you like. People can turn up and be fabulous and faultless or they should stay home.

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    I dont think you are being unreasonable. And i think your suggestion of a grandparents only get together later is a good idea.
    As others have said. Your child your rules

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    Not unreasonable but I wouldn't have it at her house. Just do it at your place and invite the people you want.

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    Definitely not unreasonable. I wouldn't want to exclude my child's cousins and aunts either. Just say thanks for the offer but as you want to invite all of ds' family you'll have the dinner at a more suitable location.

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    Not unreasonable at all. Sorry to be blunt but just because you don't have siblings doesn't mean your husband should have to miss out on having his siblings around if he wants them there. It's your child, your decision and I think it's lovely you want to include his aunts and cousins.

    Have it at your place or a venue of your choosing and invite who you like. If your mum would like to have her own grandparents only dinner she can do it another time. Your sons birthday is not about her.

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    Default Advice please - am I being unreasonable?

    I don't either of you are being unreasonable.

    I think it's fair for your mum to have those feelings particularly if she's been excluded on occasion but I also think it's fair for you to want other family present for a birthday occasion. However, if you demand they come and it's your mothers house then I think that is unreasonable. Especially as this is meant to be informal- you are already holding a party at the park so technically nobody is being excluded as such.

    Agree with pp's solution to hold it elsewhere.
    And for your mum to have a little grandparents dinner without extended family another time.

    ETA: my feelings on this may be tainted as I really would like to go to simple intimate gatherings with just inlaws and my nephew but it always turns into this big combined family thing (so the other side doesn't feel left out) which complicates things and tbh Dh and I don't like our BILs family. I find it incredibly frustrating and we see them a lot less because of it.
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 01-11-2016 at 12:37.

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