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  1. #1
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    Default Two different sex drives?

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    Last edited by bwrlab; 14-01-2017 at 14:13.

  2. #2
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    I don't have any advice but i can relate. Dp wants it all the time but i am happy about once a month. Im exhausted by the end of the day

  3. #3
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    Totally know what you mean!!!! We read the 5 Love Languages and learnt that his style of love is physical touch (not always dtd) and quality time. Mine is acts of service and gifts - couldn't get anymore different. But once we started paying more attention to each other it created a cycle of wanting please the other.

    It's not perfect all the time as I still am barely interested in dtd but I just be strategic. Minimum of once a week and maybe something else to keep him 'happy'.

    My issue is that dtd doesn't even enter my thoughts during the day/night and as soon as I get into bed, I can't wait to sleep!! Having two different sex drives is not easy

  4. #4
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    I have the higher urge where as DP has the lower drive. Well it used to be that way, I have learnt to just take it when it's offered lol. Usually we might have a romp once or twice a week but sometimes I am tired these days, we have an 8 month old.
    Last edited by Marchbundle; 28-10-2016 at 23:15.

  5. #5
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    I'm in two minds even whether to write this is as it's a bit personal and likely way TMI - but here goes Don't quote as I might delete later.

    My marriage is fairly similar, my DH would be happy with twice a day whereas if I have one satisfying session every few weeks I'm happy.

    What I've done in my mind is to separate the two things. I have "quickies for him" and "long lovemaking for me". So most nights (or some mornings) we have a quickie - I have a tube of lube in the bedside drawer (!), I slap a heap of that on, and then within one minute he's ready to go.

    I kind of see it as an extension of a loving cuddle, lol, it's not a chore, I like being so close and intimate with him, but those quickies don't do much for me at all. But, my DH feels like he has the best s3x life in the world, and feels so, so loved. He says things like if his friends knew what kind of s3x life we had they'd all be SO jealous :-) And honestly those quickies are nothing special, but obviously the frequency for him makes him feel like a King. And that does come back to me in many ways through the love and affection I receive from him, and his attitude and happiness.

    Then every few weeks we'll have a longer love-making session that's all about me, and that is all I want or need.

    This works for us - it's still loving, I'm not laying there every day cursing him, but it is mainly for him and I'm OK with that. Even if I'm absolutely exhausted, it's fairly easy to spend a few minutes having a quickie - at least I'm laying down, lol!

    I guess if he wasn't such an awesome husband then maybe I'd feel differently about it and wouldn't want to bother? But without wanting to sound calculated, those few minutes of time that I spend loving him in the way that he wants to be loved, have huge, huge benefits for our relationship.

    And to be clear, I'm not doing something I don't want to do or am compromising myself in any way - if I don't want to even have a quickie I won't - but for me it's just become part of our loving relationship and in my mind we have two different ways of making love and that's perfectly fine with me. I hope that makes sense!
    Last edited by Summer; 29-10-2016 at 05:39.

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  7. #6
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    @Summer - sounds you're both happy and have a good balance

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  9. #7
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    We've been like this for nearly 3 years now. I'm in the "I could probably do without it forever" camp and he wants it every day. Even once we start, I just cannot get into it. I went through a stage where I absolutely hated it and would cry in the shower afterwards. That didn't work and I ended up having a huge blow up over it. I have tried to get him to do quickies but he just isn't really able. I guess he just likes longer sessions and shorter ones don't really work for him. It's really the only point of contention in our relationship. And I hate that it is the way it is. I know I'm supposed to enjoy the intimacy but I just end up laying there looking around the room or thinking about random stuff and "forgetting" that I am there.
    It has affected a lot of other parts of our relationship. I rarely hug or kiss him at all (not that I did much to start with, I'm not very physical) as I don't want him to get ideas. Same as not undressing in our room anymore. Stuff like that.

    I would sincerely work on it before it gets to the point mine is at. Not sure how to come back from it when it's gone so far

  10. #8
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    @Ahalfdozen I'm sorry to hear that you are in that situation in your relationship, it sounds really difficult. I guess my situation only works because DH is happy to be fairly quick about it.... If he took ages or I had to put a lot of effort in (I put some!) then that wouldn't work for me either - so I feel for you. Hope you can work it out and find some answers, it's hard.

  11. #9
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    That happened to us for the first 2-10 mths after each kid was born. So we started to schedule in cuddle sessions. This was we both knew it was happening so he didn't feel rejected or unhappy and I didn't feel like I was being accosted. One these nights I made a specific effort to find a nice nightie vs flannel pjs. He made an effort to help more around the house so I wasn't so tired that night. We skipped the usually tv watching and went to bed with some wine.

    It worked for us. We are back to our usual 3-4x a week. But our problem was based more in my tiredness than actual disinclination for intimacy.

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  13. #10
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    We are 1x a month on a Sunday night ! It lasts 5 minutes literally

    H has said he finds intimacy hard and doesn't really like it and would be happy to go without but knows I need it so he does it to keep me happy.

    Knowing that , I struggle and find it hard to relax and enjoy.

    And yes he has always been like that with affection but the lack of intimacy started about 3 yrs into our now 14 yr marriage.


 

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