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  1. #21
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    I can totally understand why you are feeling the way you do. But you know, though, it sounds as though she was once your 'person'. For that reason I personally think the right thing to do would be to give the friendship closure. I really struggle with ghosting - you know, disappearing and hoping no one will notice or comment. Of course they will notice! And it can be very hurtful. This is someone who was, at one point, a very important part of your life.

    If it were me in your shoes, and I was certain I wanted the friendship to end, I would send an email/message that said something like:

    'I've been feeling us drift apart over the past few years, and I'm sure you've noticed it too. I don't know if you realise this, but my daughter will always be a part of my family, and my husband and I have found it very hurtful that you don't acknowledge her in your cards. Also, I am finding it so hard to see your boy growing up as I continue to grieve.

    I have realised that I would like to call time on this friendship instead of watching us continue to drift apart.

    I thank you for some very treasured memories and for being there at such a hard time in my life. I thank you for your understanding and wish you nothing but the best.'

    But then again, I'm an 'elephant in the room' kind of person, and this is just my two cents. Good luck with whatever you decide, I hope my post has come across ok :-)

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by siansmum View Post
    I think I want to cut ties quickly. Part of the reason is that it really hurts and upsets my husband and I when we receive Christmas cards from her and she doesn't acknowledge our daughter in the card. I've been wanting to say something ever since our little girl died, but I've held my tongue because I didn't want to cause angst, but after the situation with FB this morning, I just want to walk away. Some relationships are too much hard work and sadly, this has become one of them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm just too emotionally wrung out to continue to invest time and energy into what is a one way 'friendship'. I know I just need to find the courage to end it, but ultimately, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and I keep thinking about what my little girl would think about all this.
    If you feel you just want to walk away anyway than why not just say that? Not like it's going to be awkward if you're not going to see each other anymore. Or make no effort whatsoever to meet up. Don't do anything. She'll get the hint soon enough.

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  5. #23
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    Don't feel bad that it's not a forever thing. Few things ever are. And it's perfectly reasonable and quite normal that some friendships are needed for certain things and then people move on to what else they need. You both had something to offer each other before, which you don't now and that's OK. You both need something different from somebody else now and that's also OK.

    Because she was clearly someone dear to you at some point, I would afford her the decency of "ending" the friendship in a nice way. It will give closure to both of you. And as hard as it might be, I'm almost certain you will feel better for it once it is done.

    I would wait a little bit after the photo tagging issue though, so she doesn't assume you are throwing a tantrum. I know you're not, and that it's more of a "last straw" kind of deal, but as she doesn't have an objective view, she will get defensive and assume that's the case.

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  7. #24
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    Firstly let me say how sorry I am that you've lost a child in tragic circumstances.

    There seems to be a few different issues to your dilemma.

    I stopped buying for other people's children a few years ago. We are childless and I just couldn't keep buying for heaps of people as their families continue to grow. Financially it's tough on anyone! Do you buy for lots of other families also? I think the easiest thing is to maybe send out a generic text "Hey Everyone, Hope you're all well. As we all have so many people to buy presents for each year, we've decided to stop buying gifts this year for everyone as our financial situation just doesn't allow it. We're hoping to arrange a dinner/lunch/ around Xmas every year instead so no-one feels the pressure of having to buy and enjoy each other's company instead, hope you all understand".

    Now if you don't feel like doing something like that and the friendship doesn't matter anymore as you've stated, then just cut all ties. No facebook messages, no replies to texts, nothing etc.

    The other issue I see is that she's offended you by not writing your daughter's name in cards etc and you do. This is a tough one. I haven't been in your situation or know of anyone in something similar, and I know your little girl will always be a part of your family, but it's a hard thing for other people to understand and what the ettitiqute is in writing in a card. I personally would feel very uncomfortable addressing a card to a family with someone's name in it that has passed away, especially after a bit of time has past. I know this isn't easy to read and I'm not being unsympathetic to your loss, but when does it stop? Will you still be writing her name in a card in 20 years time? Do the rest of your family and friends address cards and include her name?

    Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.

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  9. #25
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    Dear Siansmum, i feel it will be a weight off your shoulders to end the friendship, draw a line in the sand, at least for now. I would not let it drift on. Give her a call, be honest, and say you need to step away. That way, you get some relief, and she gets clarity. One awkward phone call can free you. All the energy and stress this relationship is causing you is not worth it at the moment. She may not be aware she is derply offending you to the core, but i wouldn't open that up. A clean break for now i reckon. Just some ideas. All the best xx

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  11. #26
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    Does she know you are upset that she doesn't address everything to Sian as well as the rest of your family? Have you directly brought it up with her?

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  13. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by siansmum View Post
    It does make me sad that we've drifted apart because she was extremely supportive when our daughter died - she was the person we rang to come and stay with our son the night our little girl passed away. She was a real friend back then in 2012, but it just seems like it has all become too hard for her in the past three years and she no longer wants to spend time with me.
    I am always keen to hear about her family and what they're up to and that can be really painful for me as her son and my daughter are the same age. I know I'm not the same person any more - I'm totally broken and I fully acknowledge that, but how could I not be a different person? My whole world collapsed the night my daughter died in my arms.
    I just can't invest anymore energy into a relationship that was once so easy. It takes me all my energy to get out of bed and breathe each day, it really does.
    Just massive hugs, that's awful so sad. It does sound like she doesn't know how to deal with it maybe? Maybe she feels worse as she has a son who is the same age as your daughter and she doesn't want to rub your face in it or for you to have to see that, not sure though.

    Be honest I would and tell her you don't see each other much anymore and instead ask if she wants to meet up around celebrations, birthdays etc. It's sad she doesn't include your daughter in cards but maybe she might think it's too upsetting for you? Say to her you would prefer to meet once a year on a celebration and maybe not exchange gifts instead do something fun.

    Otherwise just letting it go could be for the best, she was a great friend when you needed her most. Maybe meeting her one last time then if it's hard to talk or shes awkward then you could walk away and know for sure that the friendship is over.
    Last edited by zoz; 19-10-2016 at 19:09.

  14. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Juventina View Post
    Firstly let me say how sorry I am that you've lost a child in tragic circumstances.

    There seems to be a few different issues to your dilemma.

    I stopped buying for other people's children a few years ago. We are childless and I just couldn't keep buying for heaps of people as their families continue to grow. Financially it's tough on anyone! Do you buy for lots of other families also? I think the easiest thing is to maybe send out a generic text "Hey Everyone, Hope you're all well. As we all have so many people to buy presents for each year, we've decided to stop buying gifts this year for everyone as our financial situation just doesn't allow it. We're hoping to arrange a dinner/lunch/ around Xmas every year instead so no-one feels the pressure of having to buy and enjoy each other's company instead, hope you all understand".

    Now if you don't feel like doing something like that and the friendship doesn't matter anymore as you've stated, then just cut all ties. No facebook messages, no replies to texts, nothing etc.

    The other issue I see is that she's offended you by not writing your daughter's name in cards etc and you do. This is a tough one. I haven't been in your situation or know of anyone in something similar, and I know your little girl will always be a part of your family, but it's a hard thing for other people to understand and what the ettitiqute is in writing in a card. I personally would feel very uncomfortable addressing a card to a family with someone's name in it that has passed away, especially after a bit of time has past. I know this isn't easy to read and I'm not being unsympathetic to your loss, but when does it stop? Will you still be writing her name in a card in 20 years time? Do the rest of your family and friends address cards and include her name?

    Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.
    To answer your question - writing our daughter's name in our cards will NEVER stop. We will continue to sign her name 'Angel Sian' until the day we die, and bad luck to anyone who is offended by that. Yes, our families and most other friends also include our little girl's name on everything they send to us. We belong to a support group of bereaved parents, and all eight families continue to sign their angel child's name on everything they send. I could understand her feeling uncomfortable signing our daughter's name if we didn't, but surely after four and a half years, she should get that if we sign our daughter's name on cards, then we want others to do the same. How would she like it if we left one of her children's names of the cards we send them? I'm tipping she'd say something quick smart, and have every right to.

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  16. #29
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    I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I totally understand that it has changed you and your relationships - how could it not? I cannot imagine the pain you live with every day.

    I also wanted to say how beautiful and appropriate I think it is that you sign your daughters name on your cards. If I were your friend, I would totally have taken your lead and addressed all my cards to your whole family, including your daughter.

    I can understand you might not want drama or confrontation, with everything you are going through. And some of the PPs have great suggestions if that is your preferred approach. But personally, I like Harvs suggestion. It provides closure and means that you can both move on.

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  18. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by hollypolly View Post
    I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I totally understand that it has changed you and your relationships - how could it not? I cannot imagine the pain you live with every day.

    I also wanted to say how beautiful and appropriate I think it is that you sign your daughters name on your cards. If I were your friend, I would totally have taken your lead and addressed all my cards to your whole family, including your daughter.

    I can understand you might not want drama or confrontation, with everything you are going through. And some of the PPs have great suggestions if that is your preferred approach. But personally, I like Harvs suggestion. It provides closure and means that you can both move on.
    Thanks so much for your really lovely words, Hollypolly - I appreciate your comments about us signing our daughter's name more than you'll ever know.

    Yes, I'm thinking Harvs' suggestion of a letter is the best approach because at the end of the day, I want to acknowledge and thank her for the friendship and support that she gave me over the years before we lost our daughter and in the year following her death. She WAS amazing and for that I'll be forever grateful, but I think I also need to acknowledge that I've changed because of our daughter's death and that our relationship has drifted apart due to a few things.
    It'll be one of the hardest letters I'll ever write, but I think it's time. Will sit on it for a few weeks and maybe do it whilst we're on holiday in Hawaii in a month. That way it doesn't look like I've cracked it because of the FB incident today.

    Thanks again Hollypolly.

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