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  1. #11
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    Honestly if the friendship has drifted apart, she might be feeling the same way about gifts? If it were me, I think I would just buy a small gift, and only spend about $5 on each child for xmas for this year, & maybe a small box of chocs for her. Then I would do the same for the birthdays next yr. Then maybe next xmas, just one joint family gift like a $10 card game or something. Then the following year, just a card. I'd try to slowly back out & see if she gets the hint or follows your lead & starts to back out of the gifts too IYKWIM. But I hate awkward coversations, & this is more of a long slow process, so it might not suit if you just want to cut ties quickly.

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeeeesecake View Post
    Honestly if the friendship has drifted apart, she might be feeling the same way about gifts? If it were me, I think I would just buy a small gift, and only spend about $5 on each child for xmas for this year, & maybe a small box of chocs for her. Then I would do the same for the birthdays next yr. Then maybe next xmas, just one joint family gift like a $10 card game or something. Then the following year, just a card. I'd try to slowly back out & see if she gets the hint or follows your lead & starts to back out of the gifts too IYKWIM. But I hate awkward coversations, & this is more of a long slow process, so it might not suit if you just want to cut ties quickly.
    I think I want to cut ties quickly. Part of the reason is that it really hurts and upsets my husband and I when we receive Christmas cards from her and she doesn't acknowledge our daughter in the card. I've been wanting to say something ever since our little girl died, but I've held my tongue because I didn't want to cause angst, but after the situation with FB this morning, I just want to walk away. Some relationships are too much hard work and sadly, this has become one of them. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm just too emotionally wrung out to continue to invest time and energy into what is a one way 'friendship'. I know I just need to find the courage to end it, but ultimately, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and I keep thinking about what my little girl would think about all this.

  4. #13
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you absolutely sure you're done with this friendship? If you're sure you're done perhaps just send a Christmas card this year with a friendly but firm note. Something like 'Merry Christmas to you and your family. Wishing you all a happy New Year. P.S. Due to financial constraints we will no longer be able to exchange birthday or Christmas gifts. We hope you understand.

    Sure it might get her nose out of joint but really what can she do? Call you up and demand presents? And If you word it friendly and polite then it's not so awkward if you happen to bump into each other in the future.

    After that just stop contacting her, if she never contacts you the friendship will fall away naturally.

    Also with FB, while its understandable that she doesn't want her kids tagged, did she say anything to acknowledge your DD in the pics or the fond memories? If she ignored that and just bluntly said she didn't want her kids tagged I can totally understand why this has hurt you so much.

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  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by siansmum View Post
    Just wanting some opinions please ladies, on how I should tell a friend who I've grown apart from since my daughter died, that I no longer want to exchange birthday and Christmas gifts for ourselves and our children.

    We were good friends, but since our daughter passed away four years ago, we have drifted apart, seeing each other only two or three times a year. We have always exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts between ourselves and our children, but I'm feeling that there's really not much point when our children only see each other once a year. My husband and I are also hurt and frustrated that despite us continuing to sign our daughter's name on all cards we send, this 'friend' does not include our daughter as part of our family anymore. I pride myself on being a very generous person, but as we only have one living child now and this friend has three children, I'm also finding it financially difficult.

    So, do I send a polite text message and then just let the relationship drift further apart (which doesn't really worry me as I'm now at a stage in my life, that after all I've gone through in the past four and a half years, I'm ok with only having a handful of true friends who really care)? Who knows, maybe she feels the same and just doesn't know how to approach things either.

    We've had an incident this morning which I'm totally at fault for and have apologised - I posted on FB some photos of my daughter and her kids that I'd found and commented on what happy times they were. She sent me a text message and told me that she didn't want her kids photos to be shared or to be tagged. Totally fair enough and I should have sent them to her privately and I've deleted them, but I almost feel that this is a sign that it's really time to let it all go.

    If I bring up the gifts issue now, it'll look like I've cracked it, but I haven't cracked it as such - I just don't have the emotional energy anymore to invest in this relationship which just seems to be drifting further and further apart each year. I feel sad as our children were such good mates, but it's almost like that because our daughter is no longer here, we don't matter.

    Just not sure how to handle this one. Thanks

    Dear Sian's Mum

    Sorry to hear about your loss.

    Re your friend she isn't sounding like much of a friend.

    I think you should say that you would love to catch up once a year for coffee or lunch and feel that way you could catch up. However feel you don't want to exchange gifts any more as you don't see each other often and it's too difficult to try and find gifts that the children may not like.

    You still want to be her friend and she will agree if not and she gets shifty you then you know she isn't a true friend. Email or text just try to word it nicely.

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  8. #15
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    Secret Squirrel

    Just say you don't want to do gifts anymore house is congested with toys and kids don't play with them. Say..why don't we all go to the park or beach and spend the morning or afternoon together.

    Gift giving and tit for tat is exhausting and pointless. All kids today have way too many gifts. Give them a nice experience instead..

    Butterfly x

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  10. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

    I totally understand your position and why you want to change things. I would probably be a bit low key about it, maybe send a text saying you can't find the time to catch up this year, maybe you're going on holiday, booked out with family visits etc. Then just let the time slide by and not contact her again.
    Yep, this.

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    siansmum  (19-10-2016)

  12. #17
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    Ps I remember you posting when your little girl passed away.

    Still sending you lot of hugs

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  14. #18
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    Id leave it a couple of weeks then send her a message saying due to financial constraints you'll only be doing gifts for immediate family and hope that she understands.
    Then just leave it at that

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  16. #19
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    It does make me sad that we've drifted apart because she was extremely supportive when our daughter died - she was the person we rang to come and stay with our son the night our little girl passed away. She was a real friend back then in 2012, but it just seems like it has all become too hard for her in the past three years and she no longer wants to spend time with me.
    I am always keen to hear about her family and what they're up to and that can be really painful for me as her son and my daughter are the same age. I know I'm not the same person any more - I'm totally broken and I fully acknowledge that, but how could I not be a different person? My whole world collapsed the night my daughter died in my arms.
    I just can't invest anymore energy into a relationship that was once so easy. It takes me all my energy to get out of bed and breathe each day, it really does.

  17. #20
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    I'd just let this drift. it sounds as though you've grown apart and have no desire to really continue any kind of relationship so I see little point putting yourself out there and being upfront and honest.


 

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