ADVERTISEMENT

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 4 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 33
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,016
    Thanks
    249
    Thanked
    549
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default How to tell a 'friend' that I no longer want to exchange gifts???

    Just wanting some opinions please ladies, on how I should tell a friend who I've grown apart from since my daughter died, that I no longer want to exchange birthday and Christmas gifts for ourselves and our children.

    We were good friends, but since our daughter passed away four years ago, we have drifted apart, seeing each other only two or three times a year. We have always exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts between ourselves and our children, but I'm feeling that there's really not much point when our children only see each other once a year. My husband and I are also hurt and frustrated that despite us continuing to sign our daughter's name on all cards we send, this 'friend' does not include our daughter as part of our family anymore. I pride myself on being a very generous person, but as we only have one living child now and this friend has three children, I'm also finding it financially difficult.

    So, do I send a polite text message and then just let the relationship drift further apart (which doesn't really worry me as I'm now at a stage in my life, that after all I've gone through in the past four and a half years, I'm ok with only having a handful of true friends who really care)? Who knows, maybe she feels the same and just doesn't know how to approach things either.

    We've had an incident this morning which I'm totally at fault for and have apologised - I posted on FB some photos of my daughter and her kids that I'd found and commented on what happy times they were. She sent me a text message and told me that she didn't want her kids photos to be shared or to be tagged. Totally fair enough and I should have sent them to her privately and I've deleted them, but I almost feel that this is a sign that it's really time to let it all go.

    If I bring up the gifts issue now, it'll look like I've cracked it, but I haven't cracked it as such - I just don't have the emotional energy anymore to invest in this relationship which just seems to be drifting further and further apart each year. I feel sad as our children were such good mates, but it's almost like that because our daughter is no longer here, we don't matter.

    Just not sure how to handle this one. Thanks

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    1,736
    Thanks
    764
    Thanked
    680
    Reviews
    7
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Gosh that is a tough one, I think you're totally within your rights to say that you don't want to exchange such regular gifts anymore, but would definitely leave it a little while after this current incident so that she doesn't think it is related. I suggested to my girlfriend that instead of us exchanging gifts for our birthday that instead we have a fancy dinner out just the two of us, our birthdays are only 4 weeks apart so that worked well, maybe you could do a special family outing together (like a zoo or something, make it an annual event) and have that be a treat instead of spending money on presents through the year.

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Green Cheese For This Useful Post:

    Mod-Wise Enough  (19-10-2016),siansmum  (19-10-2016),VicPark  (19-10-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,565
    Thanks
    1,890
    Thanked
    1,989
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

    I totally understand your position and why you want to change things. I would probably be a bit low key about it, maybe send a text saying you can't find the time to catch up this year, maybe you're going on holiday, booked out with family visits etc. Then just let the time slide by and not contact her again.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to BornToBe For This Useful Post:

    siansmum  (19-10-2016)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    3,977
    Thanks
    1,595
    Thanked
    1,323
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Does she post photos of her children on fb? And has she posted photos of yours and tagged you before? I understand it's her choice with her children just wondering what she does? As for gifts, could you perhaps just stop sending the gifts from now on? If you were close friends still, you would see each other and exchange gifts but that probably no longer happens? We did this with family. I always went out of the way to be at their kids birthdays and yet my girls wouldn't get gifts for weeks/months after their birthday. I just stopped giving them after that, no questions asked.

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,016
    Thanks
    249
    Thanked
    549
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Green Cheese View Post
    Gosh that is a tough one, I think you're totally within your rights to say that you don't want to exchange such regular gifts anymore, but would definitely leave it a little while after this current incident so that she doesn't think it is related. I suggested to my girlfriend that instead of us exchanging gifts for our birthday that instead we have a fancy dinner out just the two of us, our birthdays are only 4 weeks apart so that worked well, maybe you could do a special family outing together (like a zoo or something, make it an annual event) and have that be a treat instead of spending money on presents through the year.
    The thing is, I'm always the one trying to get our kids together because my little boy really misses seeing her children and can't understand why we don't see each other like we used to before his sister died. From my perspective, I feel like it's too hard for her to be around a bereaved mum. I feel like it's quite uncomfortable when we do see each other as we really don't have anything to talk about, even though I always want to know what's going on with her kids (painful as it is for me).
    I'm ok with the relationship ending, but I'm just not sure how to go about it. I don't really want to spend money on her and her children and drop the gifts at the front door. I just don't see the point any more, if you know what I mean. If I buy gifts this year, that'll round up all their birthdays and ours and Christmas, and maybe then I need to send a little message so that the cycle doesn't start all over again next year?

  8. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,016
    Thanks
    249
    Thanked
    549
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by BabyG4 View Post
    Does she post photos of her children on fb? And has she posted photos of yours and tagged you before? I understand it's her choice with her children just wondering what she does? As for gifts, could you perhaps just stop sending the gifts from now on? If you were close friends still, you would see each other and exchange gifts but that probably no longer happens? We did this with family. I always went out of the way to be at their kids birthdays and yet my girls wouldn't get gifts for weeks/months after their birthday. I just stopped giving them after that, no questions asked.
    She does post photos of her kids on FB, but she's only been on FB for about six months. No, she's never posted photos of my children. I'd like to block her and then I don't need to deal with the crap anymore, but I think if she saw I'd blocked her, I'd get a nasty message. I admit that I was totally at fault and I have apologised (via text) and deleted the photos. I'm just over trying to maintain a 'Clayton's Friendship' - the friendship you have when you don't have a friendship!

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to siansmum For This Useful Post:

    VicPark  (19-10-2016)

  10. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Posts
    3,014
    Thanks
    2,757
    Thanked
    2,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I'm in a similar situation where I have a friend sending gifts for my kid's birthday's. Of course I feel obliged to reciprocate with her kids. She is very sensitive and I need to tell her delicately I want to stop. I'm thinking of telling her that while we all appreciate the thought, I can't afford it anymore. Which in my case is true and she knows I've had a change in financial circumstances.

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to SSecret Squirrel For This Useful Post:

    siansmum  (19-10-2016)

  12. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,016
    Thanks
    249
    Thanked
    549
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by SSecret Squirrel View Post
    I'm in a similar situation where I have a friend sending gifts for my kid's birthday's. Of course I feel obliged to reciprocate with her kids. She is very sensitive and I need to tell her delicately I want to stop. I'm thinking of telling her that while we all appreciate the thought, I can't afford it anymore. Which in my case is true and she knows I've had a change in financial circumstances.
    The thing is, if we saw each other regularly like we used to when our daughter was alive, then I'd be ok with continuing to exchange gifts, although it's financially harder when there's three of her children and only one of mine (not that that's her fault), but I just don't see the point of exchanging gifts any more, when we only see each other to exchange the gifts!

  13. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Posts
    103
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    67
    Reviews
    0
    I'd wait a little bit then send a msg saying that due to financial constraints you are only doing presents for immediate family and instead of gift exchanging suggest organising a get together in the future. Just because you suggest it doesn't mean you have to follow through. Then just don't make an effort to make contact. Sounds like she is never the one making the effort so it all just goes away in its own.

  14. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Pixie Dust For This Useful Post:

    Mama Mirabelle  (19-10-2016),Mod-Myztik  (19-10-2016),Mod-Wise Enough  (19-10-2016),Redcorset  (19-10-2016),siansmum  (19-10-2016)

  15. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    11,901
    Thanks
    3,934
    Thanked
    7,214
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    This really is a tough one!

    What do you think would happen if you just stopped contacting her? Do you think she'll initiate a catch up over Xmas, or do you think she'd let it slide if it wasn't something you initiated?

    When is the next birthday for one of the children? Just wondering how much time you have until the next expected gift exchange...

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to Mod-Degrassi For This Useful Post:

    siansmum  (19-10-2016)


 

Similar Threads

  1. List keeps getting longer. Help please xx
    By Marleygirl1 in forum Choosing Baby Names
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 19-10-2016, 17:01
  2. Longer than 30 min nap - how?
    By Sunnybambino in forum General Sleeping & Settling Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 16-04-2016, 15:50
  3. Longer period of clomid please help
    By Laylaben in forum Introductions
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-03-2016, 07:37

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

FEATURED SUPPORTER
Baby Car Seats and Infant Car RestraintsBuying a baby car seat? Check out our 'go-to' links here!
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›

ADVERTISEMENT