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  1. #21
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    Just returning to this thread. I feel guilty that I don't regularly come on BH anymore to contribute to others threads but then here I am seeking some advice. All take no give. But I'm at breaking point so I'm going to go ahead anyway, I'm sorry.

    So in the last two months nothing has changed. And I am about to take action and see if he follows, or not. Today at a kids birthday party I broke down when my friend asked if I was ok, because I'm not. We're not. This evening I said calmly to him that we need professional help of some type, I am going to seek that, and if he comes it's his choice. I basically got abused and talked over. He told me to kill myself. I am numb. I am holding myself together calmly for the children, so I could get them to bed. Now I need to seek a support service for myself. I am happy for him to come and try to push forwards to fix this mess but if he doesn't I'm leaving, or he is. I cannot put my children through it anymore. He pushed a highchair into me in the process of taking my son to time out, and just shrugged when I said it hurt. I don't want my children suffering this.
    I am so thankful for my beautiful friend who I cried to earlier for messaging me asking if I was free tomorrow and is coming to take me out.
    Not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Just felt I needed to. Thanks again.

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    walki21  (18-12-2016)

  3. #22
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    @Bond Girl I'm so sad to read you're going through this. I don't have much advice aside from you've made a strong decision to seek help. You and your children deserve a peaceful and happy life without fear and anger overshadowing it.
    I think if I were in your position I'd be proceeding in preparation to leave. It just doesn't seem as though he is willing to acknowledge the problems or work to change his part.
    Do you feel unsafe? If there is any part of you that thinks he might flip out then please please don't communicate any plans to leave/separate. Talk to people close to you about what you're doing. Get some counseling for sure and work out a safe plan if you do decide to leave/move him out. Maybe seek advice from the family violence unit of your local police for how you might approach that situation? I don't mean to sound over dramatic but you can't be too careful if someone feels they are in a powerless corner and very upset it could be dangerous for you and your kids.
    Gather around your supports. Your friend reaching out is wonderful. A counselor to help you through your decisions and next steps is essential.
    What he said to you is completely horrible Bond Girl. You deserve so much more hon. Keep reaching out to BH, so many people care and will give you emotional support and practical advice xx

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    Bond Girl  (11-12-2016),Lillac  (12-12-2016)

  5. #23
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    Start keeping a diary.

    Document everything. Do you work? Even if u confide in someone at playgroup/childcare please do let them know you don't feel safe etc I also suggest opening another bank acc and start putting some money in there.

    You need to leave I would not even be trying but that's your decision and we respect that. Your children need there mum. And they have the right to know there Dad too but when they grow up they will know who people really are. Please stay safe enjoy your coffee stay safe and remember this isn't your fault

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    Bond Girl  (11-12-2016)

  7. #24
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    Thank you. I don't feel unsafe, I am just so very tired of the moods, shouting and its affects. And the complete lack of responsibility he takes for it. Everything is my fault. I don't want to still be doing this in 5 yrs time. Its draining for us all.

    I do work part time for a supportive employer, and I have some friends I can trust.

    I have begun to write a letter to him with my intentions eg. He changes significantly with the correct help (and with me making some changes too of course ) or I go ahead with appointments on my own and we separate. I am not going to compromise my children's emotional safety anymore.

    But I'm worried that in the morning I'll probably feel calmer and get cold feet about it all....

  8. #25
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    Bond Girl it sounds like you have a great plan for going forward - makes a lot of sense. I know it doesn't seem like this now however you will get through this and you will be OK xx

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    Bond Girl  (13-12-2016)

  10. #26
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    Hugs bondgirl. "Feeling calmer and getting cold feet " , is all part of the journey. Your emotions and reactions will change as you go through all of this, but you are making the best decision for yourself and your children. This is not a happy and secure environment for anyone to be in, and there needs to be change. Stay strong in your decision, get counselling for yourself, and if he gets professional help, maybe the relationship will survive, but it has to be on your terms. hugs marie.

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    Bond Girl  (13-12-2016),KitiK  (12-12-2016),Wise Enough  (12-12-2016)

  12. #27
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Thanks for checking in @Bond Girl. I've been thinking about you lots.

    Well done for being strong. What you are about to go through will feel hard, but I guarantee you will come out the other side wondering how you ever found the strength to endure what you're enduring now.

    Take the time that you need. Your heart and mind will probably flip flop for a while and that's so natural. It's a big thing you are undertaking and to doubt the outcome is natural and part of a long process to acceptance and self-love.

    You're a beautiful, beautiful person and you deserve so much better. We're all here if you need x

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