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  1. #1
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    Default Is this fair?

    I posted this in the Dad's chat aswell but thought I might get more advice here.

    Hi,

    First post but have read a lot of info on this forum previously.

    I am a separated Father of two, boy 9 and girl 7, who I have week on, week off. I wish I could have them more but this is better than nothing.

    I am on here for advice and to see if I am thinking to much of this. My ex has the kids every second week and when she does she sometimes has work commitments or other things and always has the kids looked after by either her partner, her parents or her friends. Now my complaint is I am always home at night and readily available to look after the kids, even if it's just for the night. I am able to pick them up and drop them to school the next day or back to her.

    My son had a soccer clinic last week for three days and I wasn't informed about it but I would've taken him to it had I been informed yet because she couldn't she arranged someone else. The kids came back to my house on Sunday and my ex advised me that my daughter had been in hospital Wednesday night. I didn't get a phone call or text nothing telling me this at the time.

    I feel as though I am just their dad the week I have them.

    I have spoken to her about this about a month ago and nothing has changed.

    Am I looking at this wrong or is what I am asking unfair at all? I am a good father who works full time and makes sure that they have what they need. I have always approached my ex first if I have plans in the future and if it coincides with a night I have the kids.

    Please any advice would be great.

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    Default Is this fair?

    Do you have court orders in place or is this a private arrangement between the two of you?

    I'm not in this situation but think it would be a pretty high priority for your ex to inform you in situations where there as been an emergency (hospital etc), whether it comes straight from her or via her parents/partner. You have every right to be by your children's side too.

    My advice is to speak to a lawyer to see what your rights are and what is the best way to go about achieving them.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 03-10-2016 at 18:04.

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    I think you have every right to be informed of medical issues whilst they are not in your care and vice versa.

    You are also entitled to know about sporting events etc...

    However your ex is entitled to arrange what care she sees fit (and is safe and appropriate) whilst the kids are in her care. Would it be nice if she chose you to do that - absolutely but it is her right. As it is yours whilst they are in your care.

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    My daughters dad has no desire to be in her life and I still always send him a message if she's u well, with info of her Paed appointments, school reports etc. I would be very annoyed if I was you. My dp ex is like that, we never know what's going on with dss.

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    Wow, I wish my ex was as eager to help out and be available as you are!

    Just for comparison:

    my son's father comes to my house generally every fortnight and stays here for two nights (we live 200km apart).

    Sometimes he will take him for a few days (I have to be really desperate before he will agree to this) or come up at other times, but I pick my battles here because it really is difficult to get him to agree.

    Neither of us makes a medical decision without discussing it with the other (within common sense - I'm not talking about doses of panadol or applying a bandaid).

    The ex checks in almost every day to make sure things are going ok.

    Even though it can be a pain in the **** 'negotiating' some of this stuff with him, I know that if his son really needed him he would be there. I would always seek out his help before anyone else, mainly because I think he should, being the father.

    We have no parenting orders, and have been kind of feeling our way through the coparenting thing. The one thing we agreed on for a long time was that our son should not suffer as a result of our marriage failing and that helps us keep on track most of the time.

    I guess my response to you OP is that no, your situation is probably not fair, but I'm not sure what you can do about it, beyond try to enter mediation/speak to a lawyer/get parenting orders in place.

    Just like I don't think it's 'fair' that my ex can come in and out of his son's life as he pleases, and be expected to pay $5 a week in child support, and have no obligation to give me any extended respite at all, it's kind of just the way the cookie crumbles unfortunately.

    I think just repeating the message that you're always available to help out, demonstrating time and again that you're reliable and punctual is a good place to start...

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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    I think you have every right to be informed of medical issues whilst they are not in your care and vice versa.

    You are also entitled to know about sporting events etc...

    However your ex is entitled to arrange what care she sees fit (and is safe and appropriate) whilst the kids are in her care. Would it be nice if she chose you to do that - absolutely but it is her right. As it is yours whilst they are in your care.

    Pretty much what Binnielici has said.

    Nothing is fair in separated families. How long have you been separated? Is it amicable, high conflict or somewhere in the in between?

    Do you have orders? What do they say?

    If its recent then in time things may change. If you have raised your concerns previously or have orders it might pay to try mediation, otherwise try raising the issues again.

    I would expect care arrangements, while it would be nice to be considered, are up to you each as individuals.

    Notification of emergency and medical issues should be made as soon as practical. I.e. If your holding your kids head while blood is pouring out its probably not a great time to text them, but once things calm down absolutely (and yes that has happened ).

    After school activities and care arrangements depend on what you have agreed to. I would expect to be told of any activity that the children are enrolled in so you may attend to watch but wouldn't expect that you are given first right of assistance to get them to and from said activity. At 7 and 9 your kids could tell you themselves what activities they have agreed to participate in should you wish to attend to watch them.

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    Hi all,

    Thanks for your response.

    Being a father is the greatest job I have and it will always be my top priority, unfortunately my ex has always believed money is more important and therefore her work etc was and still is more important.

    I can see your points made about when in her care it is her responsibility to find them suitable care but the work functions etc she would know about weeks out and therefore she could come to me prior to her week having them to arrange me to collect them?

    I definitely agree with the medical side of it. I should have been advised.

    Thanks again everyone. I will contact a lawyer to see what rights I have.

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    As someone who has been going through private court battles over children for three years I'll give you the info that I know.

    You are to be notified of any medical, religious, educational issues including hospital visits. So yes she should have phones you.

    For the children she should consider you to be a "back up option" on her weeks for care however sadly you have no legal rights with this.

    My ex works away when he has the kids over the Christmas break, he takes what time he can have off off but otherwise they get passed around his family while I could have them which doesn't make sense to me, but I legally have no right to the kids in his time unless he agrees.

    Good luck.

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    Do you have a parenting order/plan or anything?

    I have one with my X regarding DD1. It clearly states that all medical issues and decisions should be made together and whomever has the child when a medical event occurs is required to notify the other at the earliest opportunity.

    My X only has our DD for 1-2 nights a month and also lives 2.5hrs away but if she is hurt or sick i still notify him asap.

    Sporting activities i email him schedules & draws etc in case he wants to come watch.

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    Hugs for you.


 

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