I hope Im posting this in the right spot-
Our 20week scan on wednesday revealed that our much wanted and loved little girl has some very serious chromosomal issues. The dr told us the likely hood of severe retardation is high.Ive had an amnio to hopefully give us a clearer picture - results will be back in 10-12 days , Ive also had the FISH test which came back clear.We will seek another opinion from a genetic counselor later this week but Termination of the pregnancy is now likely late next week or the following
We are so heartbroken.
To help prepare myself for the coming days ahead, Im hoping to get some answers to some hard questions.
I know it must be so incredibly hard to relive this period of time in your lives but your help would be so much appreciated.
How long after we make the gut wrenching decision to terminate will the process start? How is it even undertaken? Will I be knocked out? (I really hope so) Then, Im expecting to be medically induced?
My mind is a blur, my heart is broken, just seeking somewhat of a clearer picture. Thankyou
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30-09-2016 14:44 #1
Last edited by Molly19; 30-09-2016 at 14:48.
30-09-2016 15:30 #2
I haven't experienced this but couldn't read and run.
I am so very sorry that you have had this news. What an incredibly difficult and heartbreaking time.
I have nothing to offer other than to be kind to each other and allow yourselves time to grieve xxx
30-09-2016 16:00 #3
@Molly19 what a horrible predicament you find yourselves in. I can't even begin to imagine having to much such a big decision, or going through with it for that matter. Some practical insight...
- You should be linked in as soon as possible with the bereavement midwife at your delivering hospital. They will be able to help you with emotional support as well as practical support both before and after the birth of your little girl.
- work out with your husband how you want to tell people. ie do you each tell your respective parents and ask them to pass on the news? It might save you having to repeat yourselves endlessly and will give you and your DH the chance to just be together.
- who do you want to meet your little girl after birth? These are the people I would be talking to personally so that they know you want them to meet their granddaughter, niece etc.
- at that gestation you will have a vaginal delivery unless there is some contraindication. It is far kinder on you to not have the pain of a caesarean while grieving for your daughter. Some women want to feel the pain of labour, some women want an epidural so they can be pain free as the thought of going through labour pains without a take home baby is too much for them. Either of these options and everything in between is absolutely ok and entirely up to you.
- ask for the hospital to contact Heartfelt. They are a volunteer service of professional/semi-professional photographers who volunteer their time and skills so you have photographs of your baby when she's born sleeping. They could take photos during the labour if you wanted, or just take some photos of you and your little girl after birth. It's better to have these done as soon as possible after birth as this is the time baby will be in the best possible condition. Their skin is so fragile at that gestation.
- usually the process of induction happens quite quickly after the termination of the pregnancy, provided you and your DH are ready. I guess no one is ever "ready" but you need to know if you're in the right headspace to get started. The procedure itself (to my basic understanding - we don't do them) is that the baby is injected with potassium chloride to stop her heart. I am not sure if they use other drugs as well but the potassium, I believe, is the most commonly used. As for knocking you out, I do not know the answer to that. I doubt they would reject any request for sedation during the procedure though. If they did they're heartless b@stards.
- any baby over 20 weeks gestation is legally required to have their birth/death registered. You will also be required to have a funeral. If this is something you don't feel you can do, is there someone who you can delegate this to? Someone to take care of the "practical" details while you and your DH focus on each other and your beautiful baby girl.
- what sorts of things do you want to do with your baby? Do you want to take her home? Do you want to sit and cuddle her in the sunshine? All of these things are absolutely possible. Please don't feel like you have to stay shut up in your hospital room with your daughter to grieve.
- hopefully the hospital you're delivering at will have a "cold cot". This is a special cot designed to keep beautiful babies like you cool to help preserve their condition. It will also allow baby to stay in your room with you. Many people don't like the thought of their baby being in a morgue with strangers (I know I hate it, I just want to cuddle these babies so they don't feel alone, which might sound silly to some). Some people can't even bring themselves to see their baby. It all depends on you and what you want.
As @TheGooch said, be kind to each other and allow yourselves to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you scream and shout, that's ok. If you sit and cry quietly in your room, that is ok too. Just know that there will be people around you to support you through. Please please make sure you and your DH talk about it, if not together, then to a counsellor. This is a horrible thing to happen to anyone. It is not fair that it is happening to you, sometimes life is just a real @rse.
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30-09-2016 16:09 #4
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30-09-2016 16:19 #5
My daughter died in utero at 20 weeks so I haven't been in your exact situation but can answer your questions as to what will happen with labor as it is the same experience in that regard. They will give you something to induce labor, for me they gave pessaries and it took 4 doses for labor to start for me, the doses were given 6 hours apart so pretty much 24 hours in hospital waiting for it to start. I did start to get contractions after the second dose but they went away after a while. I didn't do anything really to help bring on labor though, I was too upset to walk around and pretty much just lied in the bed with my husband. I tried to walk around a few times but hated being out of my room. The labor was painful but once my water broke she pretty much came out with one push. The midwife decided she didn't want me to see or hold her until she wrapped her, she said she would do this if she thought it was going to be too upsetting to see her whole body. We held her shortly after and cried.
When I first found out she had died I wanted to be knocked out and have a c/s but as lady 'EM explains, there's more risks and it's much harder on you to have to recover physically and emotionally. I am glad in the end that I gave birth to her, kind of like at least I had that experience with her. I don't really know how to explain it.
This is probably going to be the hardest thing you'll ever go through but I promise it does slowly get easier. I still think of our daughter every day and miss her so much but the pain has definitely eased and I can think of her now without feeling like I've been punched in the stomach. We named her and we talk about her often. Definitely contact heartfelt, we didn't know about them when we lost her and I desperately wish we had photos of ourselves holding her too look back on, it didn't even occur to us to take photos at the time.
PM me if you need to chat or have any other questions and sending you so much love and strength.
02-10-2016 09:09 #6
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02-10-2016 10:26 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2015
I'm so sorry to hear about your little girl! Our daughter was stillborn at 22 weeks in December so whilst we didn't medically terminate I can help with our experience and what happened so you have some idea.
As all hospitals operate differently ask your midwife/doctor anything that you think is important to you.
I was induced two hours after we found out our daughter had passed. They induced me with a pessary in my cervix as at that gestation it wasn't ready for labour. I had two inserted 4 hours apart and my daughter was born 6.5 hours after the process started (my third baby so may be longer if she is your first). Labour was the same as my other two full term births and hurt just as much but as she was so tiny the pushing part was easier. My hospital told me I was not allowed an epidural so if you think you might want one ask about that.
My sister contacted heartfelt and Angel gowns Australia and both were there by the time our daughter was born. I know it's the last thing you want to think about now but these memories will be irreplaceable later on. After our daughter was born I organised a lady to come and do hand and feet casts of our daughter that we had framed and are on our wall as a constant reminder of how tiny and precious she was.
No one can prepare you for the pain you are going to feel, it's going to be hard. Just make sure you rely on all your close family for support. I still think of my daughter everyday and it feels as though part of my heart went with her. But 10 months on and I'm crying less and feeling ok most days.
Thinking of you and I wish you weren't going through this xx
02-10-2016 21:44 #8
Can I ask how long it took to arrange the angel dresses and photographer ... I have absolutely no idea when this will all come to a head but I want to be as organised as possible.
I've looked at the angle gown website but I could only see links to hospitals in regards to ordering
Thank you all again
02-10-2016 22:36 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2015
@Molly19 I think both heartfelt and Angel gowns should have a number to contact and they get someone in your area to contact you? My sister organised mine but I think that's what she did. I would call ASAP and let them know and they will do their best to be available. Especially for photographer if you give them a call and earlier and they can't make it they will be able to organise someone else for you.
I'm so sorry, I wish there was more I could do to help you if you need anything please message me x
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02-10-2016 22:42 #10Senior Member
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- Nov 2014
Big hugs I really feel for you and what you are going threw. I don't have any advice regarding what will happen if you decide to terminate but I do know what it's like as I had to consider a termination at 20 weeks. I was told that The baby would be given a needle to put them to sleep than I would have to deliver the baby. I decided not to terminate and had no amino (I am extremely needle phobic) so until my baby was born I did not know if she would be ok, it was a very stressful pregnancy as I did not know how it would turn out.
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