So another thread got me thinking, how do you figure out your parenting style when kids have such different personalities.
Does your style change in your household with different children, or does this lead to confusion for your kids and a bit of 'that's not fair' from each child?
I grew up in a very strict household - I think these days it has been labelled authoritarian. But I NEVER rebelled. I just always did what my parents said, if they said no, I'd have to quietly be upset and not express my opinions on the situation - also due to their discipline style - silent treatment to me = rejection, so that was enough for me not to do what I wasn't supposed to.
However, these days it seems to be a common sentiment that if you adopt this kind of parenting style your kids will rebel which is counter productive to that style - however as I just mentioned this wasn't the case with me.
Sonja mentioned in another thread to physically hold a child down and 'force them' to brush their would be abuse, which I agree - but my parents' parenting style they would have 'forced' me to brush my teeth by giving a consequence for not doing so (if that were the case I personally did understand the importance so did it anyway) but if for example I thought it was bad for me etc and they told me to brush my teeth I did it. They were my parent and they were the authority - they didn't need to use physical means force me to do anything.
So question is how do you know which style will work best for your children especially given they likely have different personalities.
Im never going to be like my parents but I'm also not going to let my rules be up for discussion all the time, I'd like to find a balance, but what if my version of balance isn't suitable for my kids!? Do I change it or continue with it in the belief in doing the best thing for them?
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29-09-2016 09:02 #1
Parenting Styles vs. ? Children's personality
29-09-2016 09:14 #2
My mother was extremely authoritian, ruled with fear. I rebelled big time and her reactions have severely damaged our relationship.
I would maybe label DH and I 'gentle authoritative'? We don't smack. In a lot of ways we are kind of AP but ultimately we are the parents, and we do give consequences.
As to how to parent kids with different personalities. I find we use the same type of parenting with all of our kids, but we tweak things according to the child. We used reward charts with DS1 which worked well as he liked the visualisation of it all. He got to choose the reward. With DD her general behaviour is much better but mention money to her.... and she's doing what she's asked lol DS1 responds well to time outs, whereas DD prefers to discuss.
But the core of the parenting is the same. Gentle, loving (albeit imperfect) parenting with a level of democracy. But also consequences and boundaries as well to prepare them for adulthood in the real world.
29-09-2016 09:38 #3Senior Member
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I think in our house we naturally have a "style" of parenting and that's what we do regardless of the child. I'm by nature more of an AP type parent, but my own spinoff? I'm not super strict with my kids, but they do know I'm in charge and while I'm lenient with a lot of things, if I insist on them doing something, then I want it done.
I don't smack, I try not to yell but I do occasionally lose my cool, and I always apologise for raising my voice but I really don't want to be that person. I'm big on getting down to their level and asking what's wrong etc.
My parents were big yellers and my mum smacked a lot. I was terrified of ever stepping out of line as a kid, but as a teenager I turned into a massive b!sh. I don't know if it was because of how they parented or I am just a pain in the butt but I told myself I would never let my kids be scared of me the way I was of my mum.
But, I have one child who this works great for, she pushes the boundaries a bit, but she's 7 so I expect it. But for the most part, she's great and will do what she's asked when she's asked.
My youngest though, I can see it not working as well with her? She is only young, but she's sneaky and takes advantage of situations. Giver her an inch she'll run a mile etc. So while she's harder, I still do everything the same but I find I repeat myself a lot and stand my ground a bit more with some things.
Sorry that was all over the place haha. But in short, I let my kids make a lot of their own decisions, but I step in where needed.
I also feel a bit bad because I did question the unschooling thing in the other thread. I was genuinely curious though because until last week I'd never actually heard the term! So I really wanted to know more, wasn't trying to be difficult
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29-09-2016 10:00 #4Senior Member
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29-09-2016 10:44 #5
I'm pretty relaxed but get cross when l have to. My kids are really good in general. When l was growing up, l always remember my mum being sh!tty and cranky at us. My brother and l fought a bit though and he was an @rsehole of a kid. My parents divorced when l was 10 so maybe he was acting out but yeah l try to be more open and approachable to my kids.
Dd1 is quite sensitive and can cry quite easily if l get cross. Dd2 is my boundary pusher, class A negotiator she is. Dd3 is too little at the moment at 7 months.
When l was a single mum to my older two, l used to smack out of frustration but over time l realised it was the wrong approach so l think my parenting style has changed as they have gotten older. I try to discuss things more with them. Sometimes l lose my cool but never smack any more, just yell but end up apologising when l do. I try to think more before reacting these days. I don't want them thinking of me as a cranky old b!tch when they are older.
Last edited by Marchbundle; 29-09-2016 at 11:01.
29-09-2016 10:44 #6
I had four different kids. and I could say the parenting was different, but the basics were the same. I always say, each child is different, each child has a different position in the family, every day can bring a whole new set of challenges, and hurdles. what stays the same is You are MUM, and dad is Dad, and you have the final word. So long as you are consistent in the behaviour you accept, and expect, then, in my opinion, you are doing a good job. I know I must have done a good job with my kids, because they all love to have their children hanging around grandma. marie.
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29-09-2016 10:49 #7Senior Member
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- May 2016
Referring to my teenage years, my parents were 'very' strict. If they said no, it was no. But that didn't mean I didn't push & push & push & try to manipulate. But I was way 'worse off' than my friends who were allowed to do much more than me. I.e., couldn't die my hair, shave legs, have many sleep overs etc.
However, I also respected them. And as I got older, I saw then benefit of their approach as many girlfriends with yes parents went off the rails.
But I also hid a lot of things like drinking at a young age, parties etc.
My brother was a very compliant so much of the parenting seemed unfair as I was always the problem child. Still as an adult I feel the need to please my parents.
I've never had a very good relationship with my mother because of this, which pains me. I am so desperate for a better relationship with my DDs but am not entirely sure how to find the balance.
I think the rules need to be the same but the approach tweaked. As in you can't expect the same results from Mr Compliant as Mrs Rebel with the same parenting style. Or can you?!
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29-09-2016 11:04 #8
29-09-2016 11:57 #9
This is so interesting. I can't talk about my own parenting because I'm not a parent yet, but I do know that I want to do things differently to how my parents did things.
I was an easy child - pretty much seen and not heard until the age of 10. However, my parents were really inconsistent with their rules, and treated each child substantially differently to the next. That meant that I generally got less attention than the other kids because I was the 'good child'.
When I was in my early teens my Mum got really sick with mental illness, so she just kind of stopped caring altogether and let us do whatever we wanted and make our own decisions. As a result, I've basically been an adult doing adult things (eg working to pay bills) since 14. I also made REALLY bad choices in my teen years, and always wished I had the kind of parents who would show up at parent-teacher interviews or notice if their kid hadn't been to school for 3 months. I was weirdly jealous of my friends who weren't allowed to shave their legs, or weren't allowed to go out to parties where there would be alcohol at 15. I also think that now, as adults, those same friends who had boundaries seem to have much healthier relationships with their parents than I do.
I hope with my kids I can make sure that they know I care, and I can guide them away from bad decisions or help them to learn and cope if and when they do make mistakes, without being overly strict or controlling.
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02-10-2016 21:05 #10
We have the same parenting style with both our kids. But we probably had a different style when we only had one child. I would say we are more relaxed but we are strict when it comes to discipline.
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