I did say that ahalfdozen. And after he kept drilling it into me and him saying i dont care i just want my family with me i told him to shove it as i had had enough!
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20-09-2016 11:37 #11
20-09-2016 11:47 #12
He sounds very self absorbed. There seems to be a recurrent theme of him not liking a job and expecting his whole family to move on his whim. You guys aren't a suitcase he can just pick up and travel around with.
It seems you've bent over backwards to support his wants and needs over the years, but I would ask him when he has done that for you? He may have been with you when you moved back home but it sounds like *you* moved and he kind of followed. As opposed to him saying "you and the kids have moved around so much for me, I know you want to go home so that's what we'll do".
And given how much you have supported him and moved for his changing interests in work, his family have some audacity saying you should move again bc it's your duty! Where is his duty to his family? Why can't he just get a normal job and come home every night like every other man?
20-09-2016 12:00 #13
With his history of switching jobs id be a bit more than hesitant at his latest suggestion.
How assumptive of him to think that he can call the shots and youll just follow when he hasnt even tried to involve you in the decision making.
I hope you manage to work something out
20-09-2016 12:00 #14
I can understand his point of view. A sense of purpose can come from so many things, including the kind of work that you do. It sounds as though this is the kind of work that he finds fulfilling. That's important...but he's not a single man. He has a partner and children, and EVERYONE'S needs have to be considered.
It sounds like you've put his needs first for a long time, and it's high time for him to figure out how he can still get what he needs without expecting his family - particularly his children - to make sacrifices for him.
Personally, I'd be appalled at his expectations. I don't think I could stay in the relationship if he wasn't willing to find a way to fulfill his needs and be there, in the one stable home, for the kids as well. It's also a perfectly valid option for you and the kids to stay, and for him to move for work, if that works for you.
I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest. You're doing what's best for your kids, and I'm sorry that he doesn't see that. Hoping for your sake that he comes around.
20-09-2016 12:16 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2014
Are there any other issues that might be causing this behaviour? I understand that he doesn't like his job, but he wanted out of the Army, what appeals to him about the RAAF? Is there a reason that he doesn't want to look for other work where you live (limited options? Doesn't like the town you're in?).
I think his approach to this is all off. He isn't just a single unit, he has kids, kids who are settled, kids who need stability in order to thrive. However, the way his family reacts suggests to me that they are the reason he feels so self entitled to make such big decisions without any discussion.
Given he doesn't want to listen...perhaps a letter might be the way to go to outline all the reasons why you won't just up and leave. At the end of the day, you don't have to uproot your family to follow him on his next career path. What does he want to do in the RAAF? Does he have a 5 year or a ten year plan?
My DH is extremely career driven, and it has meant making sacrifices on my part so he can fulfill his career dreams, however, he doesn't just come and tell me that he is going to do it and expects me to jump at his every whim. He tells me what he is thinking, we discuss the implications for our family, we discuss how/if we can make it work, whilst still providing stability for the kids. Sometimes it involves thinking outside of the box. At the end of the day, I would never stop him because I know that for DH it would lead to resentment (he would never be satisfied with a job that simply paid the bills...it's just not who he is), however he also knows that he has a family, and I expect him to be an active role in the family so he needs to work out that balance between work and family.
Your DH's behaviour sounds selfish and immature. I hope you two can work something out together.
20-09-2016 12:22 #16
Having a job that you hate sucks but when you have children they come first. Great if you can have a rewarding career AND great family life. If you can't then family comes first and career gets put on the back burner.
20-09-2016 12:30 #17Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2015
If it's a sense of purpose that your DH is looking to gain from joining the RAAF, would he be willing to compromise by joining the reserves?
I'm not sure on your location, but this might give him some of what he's looking for without having to move his family.
As PP have mentioned is he confident he'll find what he's looking for with the RAAF if he wanted out of the Army?
Unfortunately Defence can take a really big toll on family life (spoken from personal experience).
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20-09-2016 13:01 #18
I was a defence spouse when l was married to my ex husband. It's no problem when you have no kids or your kids are pre school age, moving is no worries. I gave up a good job in Darwin before kids, then we ppsted and my job potential got smaller and smaller, l couldn't get a job because l was an army spouse, so we had a couple of kids and l became a full time mum in the process, lost my identity really, then he decided to join the navy...after a while our marriage failed. I moved with the kids. They have the stability l wanted for them, new partner and baby, but when baby's older l want to really work on me, find employment l'm good at, no doubt l will have to study.
What l'm trying to say is, stay where you are if your kids are settled and your eldest is thriving in her school. Focus on yourself and your kids. Your husband needs to think of his family's needs.
20-09-2016 13:10 #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
Need some advice
We have moved states 3 times in 3 years all for dh's career.
I'm not doing it anymore, it's too disruptive for the kids, especially when they are at school.
Stick to your guns OP. 🏻
20-09-2016 14:41 #20
A decision like that affects your whole family and needs to be a joint one. You're not being a cow. It's one thing for him to 'want' to join the raaf but he needs to sit down and discuss pros and cons with you and reach a decision or compromise together. I honestly believe that once you're married, it's no longer 'his' or 'yours', it's 'our' decision. Especially once there are children to consider.
Both DH and I have made huge career sacrifices for the benefit of our family unit. I just don't think any job is worth sacrificing your family's happiness and wellbeing for - which it sounds like it would be.
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