When I was about 6 months pregnant I found out a friend was pregnant too with her second baby. At first I was really pleased as someone else in our group was going to have a baby and it wasn't just me.
I had a relatively smooth pregnancy and labour which I am so grateful for (and I actually feel really guilty for typing it for some reason). I had initial troubles with breastfeeding etc, but thankfully I've stopped stressing about that and things are seeming so much better in that respect. Combined with the wisdom of being an older mother and also having had 3 children before, I feel I am a lot more relaxed with this baby, though it could also be because this one seems to be a lot more easy going.
My friend (I'll call her L) on the other hand had a really stressful pregnancy. She had pelvic girdle issues as well as some other little things. She so desperately wanted a natural birth however it wasn't to be and she had a caesarean. She ended up with endometritis and severe bleeding as well as a good amount of pain. The endometritis took a while to clear, but she is great now, 7 weeks post partum. Her baby is a little bit more "needy" from what she tells me. She doesn't sleep much because of her baby etc.
I wear my bubs everywhere. Not only because I love keeping him close, but also because it's the only way he will sleep while I try to run errands or have coffee with friends. My super close friends accept that they won't always get to hold my son while we are out lol.
So L sees me and will always make comments like "you're managing so well, I admire how you are because when I struggle I think of how you are managing" etc and yeah that's a lovely comment but I get it every time I see her. She always says "you'll have to teach me how to wrap my baby like you do with yours" etc. I know she will never wear her baby like I wear bubs. I just have a feeling it will never happen and I get so annoyed at those comments.
She asks me questions like what shoukd I do my baby won't sleep when she isn't being held and when I go there, she's picking up the baby after she's fallen asleep in her bassinette and passing her around! It's almost like she's creating issues so she can say how hard she is having it. Anyway, because her baby apparently wouldn't sleep without being held I gave her my baby swing (wasn't using it anyway) and she goes "oh I just told my mum I wanted to get one this morning!" when I don't believe that at all.
She asks me what baby products she should use because she doesn't want to use j&j and I told her what I use, and then she goes out and buys j&j.
She asks me what to do about her baby being irritable after immunisations, so I tell her it's safe to give panadol if she really wants so she says she'll do that, but she doesnt.
There are so many other little things. Like telling me if I see a good pram on sale to let her know, etc. Even if I was looking for a pram (which I'm not), I'm sure any suggestion I make won't even get a look in.
I've had it easier than her, sure. But i find myself making stupid excuses like "oh no, you know sleep has been so bad" etc when it hasn't. I actually don't know why I do it. I feel like I don't want her to become jealous etc.
Maybe I'm being harsh. But I am so so sick of the comments and asking for advice when she doesn't really want it.
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18-08-2016 19:19 #1
Vent - mum who keeps asking advice but will never take it or try it.
Last edited by SookiLala; 18-08-2016 at 19:56.
18-08-2016 19:46 #2
I think you should cut her some slack. Is this her first baby? I think it is so easy to forget how a first baby can be like a big bomb going off in your life. you know what you are in for more with subsequent babies. I also think there is nothing wrong with asking for advice and deciding the advice being given is not for you.
i had my third baby nine months ago and he was only 1 day old when I had to nip to the shops quickly (I only stayed in the birth centre for a couple hrs after birth). A lady approached me while I was hurrying along the aisles to have a peek at my newbie and when she saw how little he was she said, genuinely shocked, 'you are amazing leaving the house this soon!'. She had a 3 month old at home and was struggling with just the one. It didn't feel amazing to me, but it probably would have when I had my oldest.
18-08-2016 19:49 #3
I think you are being really harsh, sorry.
This is her first baby right? Her entire world has just blown up in her face and she is trying to figure everything out. Cut the poor woman some slack!
18-08-2016 19:54 #4
It's her second baby. Sorry I shoukd have said.
If it was her first I would feel a lot better giving advice etc. I'm not one to throw around advice unless asked either because some people might consider my advice extreme etc so I try to tailor it to how I think she would do it.
I guess I'm just annoyed that I am constantly asked advice when it really isn't wanted. And because I don't throw around advice unless asked I feel like pretty blah about saying anything.
Last edited by SookiLala; 18-08-2016 at 20:00.
18-08-2016 20:14 #5
I know it's annoying but maybe it's just her way of making conversation/complimenting you? Sometimes people have good motivations, just perhaps don't have the social skills to go about it in a non-irritating manner! Like PP have said I would leave it be. If she's a nice lady and you like her continue to be her friend, if it were me I would just be non - committal when she asks you questions, maybe just say something like 'babies are all so different'
18-08-2016 20:15 #6
Maybe she is just asking advice to make conversation even though she already has her own way of parenting etc set in her mind?
18-08-2016 20:17 #7
Vent - mum who keeps asking advice but will never take it or try it.
Maybe she's just jealous and trying to hide it.
Man I hate it when new mothers seem to have their sh1t together, especially when I was struggling so hard with no 2.
(And I keep thinking to myself well wait till you have another you might not find it so damn breezy lol)
Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 18-08-2016 at 20:20.
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18-08-2016 20:34 #8Senior Member
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I reckon she's just one of those people who asks and then never takes the advice and likes the attention from whinging about her circumstances. Keep doing your thing OP and maybe try to distance yourself if you can, you don't need that kind of energy around you xx
19-08-2016 08:32 #9
I've actually considered this is a way for her to make conversation. I just get an off feeling when talking to her. I feel awful that I try to think of things that aren't so great about this baby.
You know, I've had my fair share of difficulty with my others. I realise it's partly to do with my own stress etc, but I feel like I deserve a easy going baby especially because I went through a lot with the others. I don't want to feel like I have to justify myself. But you're rigbt, I should just stick to the all babies are different and just not say anything.
I thought about this a lot last night. And I realised I do have my own struggles. My baby is in a hip brace etc and I struggled a lot in that I became even more introverted for a while and didn't want to leave the house etc. Thankfully I have great friends who recognised this and intervened.
I think I'll go with my gut. I get an odd feeling when talking to her. I feel like whatever I say is going to be misconstrued and she'll talk about me behind my back and say that I'm rubbing in her face how hard she's having it by deliberately making it seem easy etc. I said once "it's my forth, it's just easier not to stress. They have to fit in, I don't have the time to worry"
Last edited by SookiLala; 19-08-2016 at 08:47.
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19-08-2016 09:16 #10
I know this sounds horrible but my thoughts were what your last paragraph is. Since you said your different to the norm I feel like she's trying to get you to say things that she doesn't agree with or she thinks others don't agree with so she feels better about herself.
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