My ex husband and I separated in March this year when I was 7 weeks pregnant. When it happened I didn't care, I was so angry with him, I thought I wanted out. For months he had been emotionally abusive. Always a pathological liar. Had thrown things at walls, verbally abused me and the animals. So, when he said he wanted me to leave I did so without hesitation. For my son's sake and this babies sake more than anything. I hated having them in that environment and dreaded them turning out like my husband.
I moved interstate to be near my parents for support (high risk pregnancy, toddler to look after etc.) and he was more than happy for me to do so. He agreed to changing my son's surname over to my maiden name and signed the parenting plan I had drawn up with no complaints even with it stating that he is to have supervised 1 hour visits.
After the first couple of months of being separated my anger towards him started to subside, he was communicating with me more maturely, not trying to argue or play the blame game. We were able to discuss things like adults etc.
I started to miss him and wished he was here to share all the moments of the pregnancy with me. He finally decided to visit our son for the first time in 6 months last weekend. We didn't really talk at all but when I saw him I just had this overwhelming feeling that I wished he would hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok and that he wanted to be a family again. Of course that didn't happen though. And he's made it very clear to me that he is over me and he will never want to go back to what we had. He told me this in a text and also said that he said he still cares deeply for me but only as our boys mother. I believe he has already slept with other women too (the day after I left he was already on tinder).
I know the way he treated me when we were married should mean I don't have feelings for him anymore but I feel like I'm still in love with him and want him back. He wasn't an evil person just not very mentally strong if that makes sense. We went through so much together. He is infertile and I went through ivf and used donor sperm to conceive my son and this baby. We lost 3 babies along the way.
I just don't know how to put it all behind me and move on from him and stop thinking about him. I dream about him nearly every night....sex dream, the lot! I wish he still wanted me but he just doesn't.
I know I'm pregnant and hormones could be playing a role in this. I'm scared I'll get pnd. Yes I'm seeing a councillor.
How do I move on? I'm shy and unlikely to ever find anyone else. I'm a single mum with 2 kids. I don't even think I want to find anyone else, my kids have enough to deal with with separated parents, ivf and donor sperm without adding a step parent to the mix.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.
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17-08-2016 17:26 #1Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2016
How do I get over my ex husband?
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17-08-2016 17:54 #2
I've never been a single mum so I won't claim to understand bc I don't. But every time you feel those feelings I would write down all the negatives on a piece of paper and look at them every time. So just from your post:
He's verbally and emotionally abusive.
He commits property damage.
He asked you and his child to move out rather than being a man and him moving out.
He was already looking for someone else the DAY AFTER you left.
He has told you he never wants to be back in a relationship with you.
He can't handle stress and has mental health issues.
He was fine with you moving your son interstate and has only seen him once in 6 months (my DH would be beside himself after 24 hours away from our kids).
That's a pretty bad list. Remind yourself over and over why you left.
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17-08-2016 18:36 #3
He has actually given you the biggest piece of closure and it's kind of a gift.. He said he doesn't want you anymore. Take that and use it every time you feel like you want him back. If anything he's made your life easier as you don't have to look back and wonder if you made the right decision because the decision was made for you. He on the other hand will eventually wonder if he made the right one.. Men usually do (in my experience).
The only thing that will help you get over him is time.. One day you just wAke up and it just doesn't hurt as much anymore then each day from there it gets better until one day those feelings are just a memory.
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17-08-2016 18:58 #4Member
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- Mar 2016
Thank you delirium and joeee xxx
17-08-2016 19:09 #5
I have never been in your position and can't even imagine how hard it must be at times. But, reading your post, the first thing I thought was wow this is one strong woman! You had the strength to decide to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. You had the strength to recognise that you don't your boys to grow up like this man and to take steps to ensure that doesn't happen. You've set boundaries and told him what will be happening with your child. Quite frankly you are doing great! It's that strength that you need to turn to to help you get through the moments when you think you want him back. I'd second what @delirium said. Remind yourself of why you've made this decision and hopefully it will get easier with time.
17-08-2016 19:16 #6
I don't think when it comes to intimate partner relationships, especially ones with a violent and/or manipulative partner, it's easy to be rational or to hurry the grieving process. In fact I think it's really hard. Especially if your self esteem has already been shattered by abuse, then to feel tossed aside while he's off on tinder. It must feel pretty yucky.
I think delirium had some good suggestions. And practical!
This is a guy who was violent and abusive and who took 6 months to see his child? Seriously?
Easy for me to say but at this time id try focusing on you and your kids, staying fit and well for you and them and try not to think too far in the future, such as what if you never meet another partner.
When you're ready, there are ways and means.
But right now take good care of yourself. Don't communicate with him unless it's about your kids.
17-08-2016 19:22 #7
OP I have felt similar emotions to you during the breakdown of my marriage. Is there any chance you are fearful when imagining a lifetime alone, and feeling a sort of 'anything would be better than the unknown' sort of feeling? I think that's what it was for me.
I don't think enough time has passed for you to be worried about not being 'over it'. It will come with time, through necessity if nothing else. It's a hard road, and there are times I still dissolve into sobs almost three years later. But you will get there.
During a year of emotional abuse, I wrote down some of the more hurtful comments so I would never forget them. And even though I still felt as though I loved my ex for quite some time, I used to make myself reread those comments as a reminder of the things that I didn't love and the toxicity our relationship dissolved into. It sounds like your relationship was pretty toxic by the end. It's easy to show empathy and make excuses for people we love, but please remember you deserve better than you received.
You made a strong decision that was best for your family. Be proud of that, and give yourself time to grieve the loss. Counselling helped me immeasurably. Best of luck to you.
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17-08-2016 19:25 #8
@delirium has nailed it - when you start having warm feelings for him, try and remember the times he has hurt and failed you and it will give you a reality check.
You can't help how you feel - feelings are sometimes not rational! Just try and believe in yourself and your future as a strong solo mama, because you deserve so much better than he could ever offer.
17-08-2016 19:37 #9
For me, personally, I focused on the POSITIVES, not the negatives!
(I won't go into the details of my marriage break down, as I've covered it before and I can't see how the details could help you right now), but...
Positives, I have my children 100% of the time! I never have to share them or consult with anyone about parenting decisions.
He left me, so I was always able to hold my head up high, and know that he made his bed, and I knew that I'd never have to take him back or tolerate his nonsense again. He had to deal with the consequences of his decision to leave me and our children.
I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I could go on, but I think they're just a few points to get you started.
I hope you can move forward from this. Hugs!
17-08-2016 19:48 #10
He sounds like he would have been high maintenance to live with. Think back... Were you really happy with him? I'm not talking at the start. Think about how he treated you the past year. Were you happy?
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