I am more like your nephews parents in that I don't have my kids watched. Not because I'm against anyone, I just don't have that need to be away from them. I would rather spend the night with them, than have them watched and go out. So if I left them with relatives, it's more for the relatives than me. I'd probably end up just sitting and counting the hours til I could I pick them up (I'm always super early for school pickup). So it's just not something I would do. And I would hate to think my husbands siblings (I don't have any) would think it's something personal.
On the other hand, my SIL and her partner are about 8 weeks away from moving directly across the road from us. I already anticipate babysitting her lot all the time as she loves going out for date nights etc. and already had family that lives near her babysit all the time. And I do love the idea of that. So I do see your side too.
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15-08-2016 17:07 #11
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15-08-2016 17:21 #12
OP, do you know if other family members or friends look after him?
I would only think it *might* be personal *if* you know for a fact that they regularly let other people babysit him.
If this isn't the case, it might just be that they don't feel the need to have others look after him. They might like to spend as much time as possible with him. Or they just feel more comfortable when he's with them.
Does your nephew perhaps have any additional needs which might make them feel a little more protective of his welfare (health condition/severe allergy/disability)? I only ask because I have a 5 year old with ASD and we only ever have my parents babysit on rare occasions, simply because he's not only high maintenance but he would be the type to abscond if a door or gate was left open.
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15-08-2016 17:37 #13
Do they work a lot? I know that since I started working full time at the start of this year, I don't like to be away from my daughter too much on weekends because I feel guilty that I'm already away from her a lot through the week.
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15-08-2016 17:41 #14Senior Member
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- Apr 2013
Do they know it is a serious offer? I get people offering all the time to babysit my kids but I never take them up on it because I never know if they are being genuine or (if they are) if they would actually be happy doing it. Because my kids can be little terrors and I don't like to inflict that on other people (grandparents excepted).
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15-08-2016 18:02 #15
OP I can 100% see that you have good intentions but I really can't understand you point of view here. I can't see how having time with a child away from their parent needs to be part of developing a good and deep relationship. In fact I think it should definitely be the other way around. If you have a very strong relationship THEN you could consider having them come for sleepovers. I know you will say that you are already close to him and you just want to get closer but from my perspective as a parent, if someone said they wanted to have alone time with my young children to build a relationship I would not like it. I would nod and smile and not encourage it. I prefer to have my kids with me unless there is a reason not to and in that case I always ask my mum to have them. It's not because I think she is the only one capable but because that is our comfort zone and I don't see the need to step out of it just for other peoples benefit. In my experience the best way to have a good relationship with a child is to see them often. Regular contact (weekly) in a relaxed and natural environment for the child will result in a very strong bond.
So if I was you I would find some kind of weekly or fortnightly routine of seeing him. Like popping in to see him on the way home from work on Fridays just to ask how school was. If you really want to have a more significant visit with him maybe say to his mum "next Wednesday looks like amazing weather. I'm thinking of going to the zoo. Do you think nephew would like to come with me?" If she says WE would love to come then I think you will know that she would prefer to be with him. The reason for this is most likely not personal. Or she might say yep sure. Pick him up at 10!
Good luck op. X
15-08-2016 18:48 #16
@YeahYeahYeah that is definitely a part of it - we are just different. DH & I love the 'village' too & encourage our kids to develop relationships with all the extended family.
@Ahalfdozen & @bezzy I totally understand about wanting to be with the kids rather than having them looked after. I guess I was hoping every now & then they would do exactly that - allow us to look after him for us & for him, not necessarily because they needed us to!!
@Mod-Degrassi yes, BIL has a sister who lives nearby who minds him regularly - not sure about overnight though. I think you are spot on about the special needs though... Nothing has ever been said but we suspect he may be slow to meet milestones so there *could* be something there but it's never been discussed. That may be reason though - thanks for that idea, it makes sense xxx
@JR03 Dad works full time & Mum is SAHM at the moment. So I can imagine they would want to do things together as a family on the weekend. @hollypolly yes they do know it's serious as at times we've been specific about certain events. They can inflict us with him even if he is a little terror :-)
@RedCreamingSoda I understand where you are coming from, but what I was trying to explain is that in this family it is very normal for the kids to spend time with their Aunties, Uncles & grandparents on their own - definitely the village thing. When my DSS was three years old he went overseas with his grandparents & another cousin for a week - it's just how they have always operated. This sister was the last one of the four siblings to have a child, so I guess we did expect that (within reason!) the same type of open, village type involvement would have continued.
You have a really good point about spending time with our nephew on a regular basis to keep building our relationship. In that way again we are limited in what we can do by the parents but we'll keep doing our best to stay involved without forcing ourselves on them. Thanks heaps for your input xx
15-08-2016 18:53 #17
I never leave my children with anyone other than my parents.
There are some people who would love to look after my children, but I have my reasons why I don't want them being left alone with these people.
I'm guessing they must have a reason they don't want to leave their son with you, or do they simply not leave him with anyone (other than childcare)??
I would be horrified if someone directly said to me they were taking my children for the day and were going to pick them up at x time. I just think that puts the parents in a very uncomfortable situation where they are going to have to say a straight out 'no' to you.
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15-08-2016 18:57 #18
WWYD? We've never babysat our 4yo nephew
Ahalfdozen said is pretty much perfectly describing me and it makes me feel super uncomfortable when somebody makes me feel like I 'have' to give them my child. I have anxiety so it takes me a while to warm up to leaving DS1 (2.5), plus I just really enjoy being with him a vast majority of the time and don't have an urge to have space from him. I'm currently sitting in the park reading bubhub while his granny sits in the sandpit playing with him. She's bonding and I'm comfortable.
Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 15-08-2016 at 21:47.
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15-08-2016 19:04 #19
It seems a little weird to me tbh, maybe it's a cultural thing. But I would find it a bit pushy. I've had my brother (no kids) suggest that ds stay with him when he is older but I find it a bit rude/presumptuous.
It can't hurt to suggest you take dss and your nephew to the park for a playdate but be happy for them to decline or tag along.
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15-08-2016 19:19 #20
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