Hi lovely world of bh.
Im undercover to ask a question.
My partner does not stop lying. What would you do?
Sometimes its small stuff like 'no i didnt walk on the clean floor with shoes on' but hes standing on said floor, in said shoes.
Me: slow down, you're speeding. (Digital display speedo)
Him: no im not.
****68 in a 60 zone****
Car slows down.
But other times, its big stuff.
Needs to be up early to be shown a new method of something where he volunteers. No word for hours, i call about our dog who had been in an accident. No answer on mobile. The workplace answer and hes not been there. At all. I find him at a friends house.
He gave up smoking. Then started again, id smelt it a few times and asked and he denied it. He then was scumming them off everyone....but wouldnt tell me. Someone let it slip and he just shook his head like a non issue.
but the biggest....
He was talking provocatively to his best friends fiance. Long story short it had been going on for a while and they were trying to organise a time to take it further. I discovered the messages and confronted him. He denied it until i said id seen it.
We did split up but are giving it another chance.
So now, tonight....
He calls me from work to let me know he is dropping another worker (a female) off at home on the way home. He finishes at 10. We live about 7 mins away in heavy (country town) traffic.
He walks in at 10.45. I ask where the other girl lives. Around the corner. I ask why it took so long. His reasoning is she finished at 10.30.
Why not say that initially? When i said 'oh...that would've been nice to know' i was met with a very defensive 'its only half an hour...you're over reacting. I dont need to tell you everything' attitude.
I was ok with the lift. And even would've been ok if he'd said in the call "im going to give x a lift home but she doesn't finish till 10.30 so ill be a bit late"...but he didn't.
So now im wondering. ..is this worth it? I HATE lying and we go over it all the timbre how i just want him to be honest.
Im always wondering when hes telling the truth. Are his 'i love you's a lie?
What would you do???
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12-08-2016 02:00 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2016
Partner won't stop lying. Wwyd?
12-08-2016 06:49 #2-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Hun - not saying your hubby has been an angel, he hasn't. That being said you have to decide if you are really giving it another go or not. If you are you need to *try* and trust your hubby and not nitpick every little thing. If you go into this with an overly negative attitude it won't work and you will waste your precious time being miserable when you could have spent it on the road to happiness.
12-08-2016 07:15 #3
I'm going to disagree.
I could probably let the smoking go. It's gross, but not worth a fight.
Giving another girl a ride home with no context - on the fence.
The texting with the fiancé with the intent to meet-up? That's bull****.
There are obviously some issues in your marriage / relationship. Cheating, intent or actual is not the cause, it's a symptom of a broken relationship.
I would recommend the two of you get into counselling. Or you at the very least to work through this. I wouldn't stand for this behaviour. I have too much respect for myself to let someone treat me like this. You should too!
PS I hope you told the friend about the messages. He deserves to know the woman he's about to marry is a cheat.
12-08-2016 07:20 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2015
I would add - get counselling for BOTH of you. The lying is a huge issue to me but you need to figure out if it is for you.
If you do make a go of it and decide the lying is not worth breaking up over I agree that you need to try and trust and not nitpick.
Again - all of this is an issue to me but you need to decide if it is for you and also you both need counselling.
Good luck. And hugs.
12-08-2016 07:24 #5
Partner won't stop lying. Wwyd?
Exactly what ilex said. I lie about smoking. It's a defence mechanism. If I'm lying about it I'm not actually smoking and that makes it ok (in my head). I've been caught out a few times and we've had epic fights about me lying. It's really hard to explain why I keep lying. I feel like I'm not lying to him, but lying to me iykwim? I don't want to smoke but it's an addiction I'm struggling to break.
However, lying about other things is a whole different kettle of fish. Especially with his history of infidelity. That is crossing a line. You have very right to be upset. There are white lies and bigger lies.
There are various reasons why people lie.
Edited to add- is he lying to spare your feelings? Is he lying because he's worried you'll think he's cheating or has feelings for someone else? Or is he lying because he is doing something wrong?
You need to find out the reasons why he lies.
I hope your resolve these trust issues and can move on.
Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 12-08-2016 at 07:40.
12-08-2016 07:47 #6
Partner won't stop lying. Wwyd?
Hi, I personally would not put up with any of that. If it was the giving a girl a lift home as an isolated incident, I would say you're over reacting - especially if you're in an already trusting relationship.
However, the other things he has lied about, the fact the trust is gone - yeah I'd be thinking e was lying about her leaving at 10:30. He was sending racy messages to another woman (his mates fiancée no less) and wanted to take it further!!!? I would have lost all trust at this point and would have (personally) assumed he was late as they had a quickie on his way home.
These are all how I would have felt, yes it sounds paranoid and no I wouldn't feel like this if my husband got in at 10:45, but given his history and once trust is gone, he doesn't deserve for you to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.
The fact I would feel that paranoid, means I couldn't stay in that relationship any longer.
Last edited by A-Squared; 12-08-2016 at 07:49.
12-08-2016 07:58 #7
In this situation, I would get couples counselling or leave the relationship
12-08-2016 08:01 #8
No point being with someone who continually lies. That's a huge disrespect to you. I'm not sure l could take my DP back if he had been lining up another bird, then he takes his time driving a female coworker home...I wouldn't trust him at all. There is no room for that in a relationship...if he wanted someone else, I'd say see you later.
12-08-2016 08:11 #9
Everyone white lies - in isolation lying about the shoes for example wouldn't be a huge thing for me. But for bigger lies and having a sustained pattern shows huge selfishness imo. It's "I know you won't like/be upset about x,y,z so I'm going to lie to get away with it rather than a) be upfront or b) not do it to begin with". In our household we have a saying - the truth is always better than a lie. I would rather know the truth, however bad, and deal with it than be lied to. I also don't buy it when people say they lie to not get in trouble from their spouse; like it's somehow the other person's fault. Here's an idea.... don't do whatever it is that upsets them and you don't get in trouble? That excuse is a cop out.
In isolation, a few of the lies he told would annoy me a bit but I'd deal with it. But as a pattern of behaviour? Nope, it wouldn't be ok and he sounds like a bit of a jerk to me OP, sorry. He would of been out the door when I found out he had set up to cheat. I had an ex where he and the girl had it all planned to sleep together but it was foiled. In my mind it was cheating. Had someone not intervened they would have slept together.
12-08-2016 09:33 #10
He's the one who should be earning your trust back not making you feel like crap because he turned up 30mins later then what was lead to believe.
I suggest counselling if you really want to give it a go.
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